It's the big one: Hull v Fulham...

Premier League first day fixtures - Saturday, 16 August
Arsenal v West Brom
Aston Villa v Man City
Bolton v Stoke
Chelsea v Portsmouth
Everton v Blackburn
Hull v Fulham
Man Utd v Newcastle
Middlesbrough v Tottenham
Sunderland v Liverpool
West Ham v Wigan

Posted by: Lex

James McFadden's beard, Lineker narrating, the Likely Lads, and Mark Hughes as a boring priest...

Where: St. Andrews, Saturday, 15:00
What you hope to see: James McFadden tripping over his own beard when through on goal. The scruffy swine.
What you’re likely to get: That really lame split coverage thing Match of the Day always do on the last game of the season, narrated by Gary Lineker, as if one of those I Love 1980s shows. As if people don’t already know the outcome. We don't live in an episode of The Likely Lads. And Adrian Chiles having the weekend off. The chubby swine.
Fact! Mark Hughes provided the voice for the boring priest in several episodes of Father Ted.

Posted by: Lex

Hairpieces, roly-ploy throw-ins and Grumpy Old Men...

Where: Ewood Park, 15.00
What you hope to see: A Jimmy Bullard comedy masterclass, featuring roly-poly throw-ins, wisecracks with the fans, winks at the camera, and hugs with the ref.
What you’re likely to get: Fulham are thumped, later relegated, Hodsgon is sacked, and is then confirmed as a regular in the new series of BBC's Grumpy Old Men.
Fact! Jimmy Bullard is a member of the national hairpiece alliance along with Terry Wogan and Bruce Forsyth.

Posted by: Lex

England's David Bentley speaks to us at the Umbro England kit launch last month...

Read the full interview in the latest issue of Catflap Magazine...

Posted by: Lex

One man to save his job, another to lose it...

If Les Dennis was to ask a random football fan in the street to give him one indesputable fact, 99 out of 100 people would respond with "Newcastle are rubbish". That one other person would simply ask why Les is bothering him in the street, since he no longer presents Family Fortunes anyway.

But before we descend into the merits of having Les back on primetime television ahead of that buffoon that goes by the name of Vernon Kay, let us advise you on a good bet for this weekend involving the aforementioned 'Toon Army'. Their home tie against Blackburn is not the type of game a team needs when it is low on confidence and struggling to get a first win under a new manager. And we reckon the outcome of the game will all come down to the first goal. They're great if they have an early lead to shout about, but go a goal behind, and St James' is not a fun place to be a home player.

So we've got two bets to lump on this weekend,

If Newcastle are to have a good day, Michael Owen will score first @ 5-1 and they'll go on to get their first win under the Geordie Messiah.

But if Newcastle fall behind early on, Benni McCarthy is likely to be the man to inflict the initial pain @ 11-2, before St. James' Park empties quicker than an old man's bladder.

Of course there are 20 other players who could score at the weekend, but we love a bit of melodramatic man v man action here at Catflap. Er, not like that...

Which one do you fancy? Take your pick here

Posted by: Lex

Retro Keegan, FA Cup non-classics and getting Randy. The five matches to watch out for this weekend…

Arsenal v Newcastle
Where. Emirates Stadium, 15.00
What you hope to see. Keegan to bring back the memory of the Ginola/Ferdinand/Albert good times as Newcastle come from 4-0 down to win 7-5, with Geordies in raptures.
What you’re likely to get. Keegan to recreate the ‘slumped over the advertising boards’ pose ala Anfield 1996 as Arsenal take out their Carling Cup hangover out on the hapless Toon Army, with Geordies in tears.
Watch out for. Adebayor and Bendtner turning into the next ‘Blair and Brown’ as they line-up in attack together despite getting on as well as Paul McCartney and Heather Mills.
Fact! More than 2.5 goals have been scored in 63% of Newcastle’s away matches. We reckon if anyone could score half a goal, it would be Newcastle.

Liverpool v Havant and Waterlooville
Where. Anfield, 15.00
What you hope to see. Let’s not beat about the bush, even Havant sneaking a draw would be the funniest thing to happen in football since Kevin Keegan returned to Newcastle. Remember that? That was hilarious…
What you’re likely to get. Liverpool 3-0 up after 20 minutes, Motson and Lawrenson blathering on about nothing and the rest of the match petering out in a perfect example of why no one cares about the FA Cup anymore…
Watch out for. Dedicated non-league folk complaining that the game has not been televised, thus robbing the ‘plucky non-leaguers’ a big pay day. See above for reason why...
Fact! One of Havant’s directors is called Leroy Whale.

Wigan v Chelsea
Where. The JJB Stadium, 17.45
What you hope to see. A game that proves that the guys at the BBC do know what they’re doing when they come to choose the live games.
What you’re likely to get. A dreary Chelsea win that’s wrapped up in the first half that proves that the BBC schedulers really don’t have their fingers on the pulse anymore.
Watch out for. Alan Hansen dissecting Titus Bramble’s performance at half time. The Beeb probably have a whole floor in their archives building devoted to the man.
Fact! Wigan chairman Dave Whelan broke his leg in the 1960 FA Cup Final playing for Blackburn Rovers.

Aston Villa v Blackburn
Where. Villa Park, 15.00
What you hope to see. Ashley Young playing like Lionel Messi, feeding an Henry-esque Gabriel Agbonlahor, with a dynamic full-back performance from Stephen Warnock forcing Capello to jump-start England’s new era with some young blood.
What you’re likely to get. Long ball to Carew. Won in the air by Samba. Long ball to Santa Cruz. Headed clear by Laursen. A tepid atmosphere from a crowd that struggles to reach 30k. A perfect advert for the solitary Premier League encounter this weekend.
Watch out for. Martin O’Neill bouncing around like an extra in One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and the commentator making a lazy comparison between ‘good Yank’ Randy Lerner and ‘bad Yanks’ Tom Hicks and George Gillett.
Fact! What is Randy short for? Randolph.

Luton v Leeds
Where. Kenilworth Road, 15.00
What you hope to see. Luton to sneak their first win since Nick Owen took over, showing Ken Bates that nice guys can succeed in life.
What you’re likely to get. Leeds to get back on track by drubbing the remaining reserve and youth players who have not yet managed to escape Kenilworth Road.
Watch out for. Dennis Wise looking puzzled and telling Dave Bassett that he actually found Gus Poyet easier to understand.
Fact! New Luton chairman Nick Owen was once refused entry into the lounge bar named after him because it was too full. Ken Bates would have forced his way in. Nice guys never win.

Posted by: Catflap Magazine