#5. Jeff deals with an on field fan...

Q: After scoring a last minute winner, the goalscrorer runs into the corner and pulls down his shorts, revealing "I Love Jeff Winter" y-fronts. He's already been booked. What action do you take?

Jeff: "My worst nightmare. Not sure if your eyesight was correct though, could it have been that the player had accidentally put on a pair of his sexy WAG's flimsies. They may well have had the said inscription on them. I think in these circumstances perhaps I should turn a blind eye as it would not be good if it came out that whilst the player was away for his team and country, I was busy "booking" his sweetheart.

See You Are The Jeff in Catflap Magazine.

Posted by: Lex

We drive to Euro 2008, and back...

So here’s the story: The other day the chaps at Fiat gave us a call, inviting us to take part in their Bravo Challenge. It would involve taking one of their new Fiat Bravo’s, driving it anywhere we want, and bringing it back within 48 hours. And they’d give us £250 to spend on what we liked too. Well, we’re not likely to turn a chance like that down are we? So we leave this Friday, with our return date penciled in for Sunday. And our planned destination? Basle, Switzerland, in time for the Euro 2008 quarter final on Saturday. We say planned, because who knows where we’ll end up. Though if Fiat are reading, you have nothing to worry about…

Posted by: Lex

The greasy one is clearly a reader...

That's right, only hours after we publish a "make your mind up" plea on this week's front cover, Cristiano Ronaldo has done exactly that. According to the Sun, Ronaldo admitted that he wanted to join Madrid, only hours after Portugal were dumped out of the Euros by Germany (cough, cough, our tip to win...).

Here's what the gurning winger said:

“In the next few days there could be news. The possibilities of me going to Madrid are great but it does not depend on me. I know there is a concrete offer on the table, now let's see if we can reach a deal in the next days. Everyone knows what I want. I have many desires and in the next days they will become clear.”



Catflap: "Make your bloody mind up."
Ronaldo: "OK."
Catflap: "Er, well, can you leave it a week so our cover isn't out of date..."
Ronaldo: "No."
Catflap: "Bugger."

Click here to read this week's mag...

Posted by: Lex

Hands up who wants the Village People to reform?

What does Catflap's editor do on his holidays?

It seems Gavin enjoys fulfilling a life-long dream of driving a comedy winnebago around the country. And then sending camp photos of himself back to the office. Whatever floats your boat and all that...

An artist's impression of the GavMobile.
I'm not saying what the 'W' stands for, as I'd like to keep my job...

Posted by: Lex

We enter our own version to compete with Alba...

It's Catflap's Art Editor Mark Culmer. What beautiful eyes...

Posted by: Lex

Umbro reveal Saturday's match ball...

When Pompey and Cardiff duke it out this weekend in the FA Cup Final at Wembley, they'll be playing with a brand new ball, Umbro's FA Cup DYNAMIS. Apparently, it's the "most technically advanced ball ever produced", with "unrivalled accuracy and power." Which is quite the boast from those boys at Umbro.

They say that it's been in development for the last 2 years and, good news for goalkeepers, its 20-panel configuration makes it faster than the more traditional 32-panel ball. So at least David James has an excuse when he bundles it into his net on Saturday.

Teijin micro fibre material also gives players a super soft touch and increased power through greater elasticity and stretch. The DYNAMIS is also the first football to use new Tri-Ply bladder technology, designed around the premise of increasing the power and accuracy of any strike of the ball. So unlike David James, Dave Nugent has no excuse...

Posted by: Lex

But will Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool or Man Utd be using it?

If, like us, you've been watching Champions League football all week with only one question running through your mind, "Just what will the Champions League final football look like this season?", then we are among the first to give you the answer. Set to be launched in Moscow in about 15 minutes time, this is the adidas “Finale Moscow”, the very ball that will be used at the final in, you've guessed it, Moscow, on May 21st.

According to adidas boffins, it's new PSC-Texture™ surface structure allows players to control and direct the ball perfectly in all weather conditions. The PSC-Texture™ consists of a sophisticated and extremely fine structure on the ball's outer skin that guarantees optimum grip between ball and boot. The adidas “Finale Moscow” is constructed out of 14 panels using revolutionary Thermal Bonding Technology.
You can all sleep easy now...

Posted by: Lex

Well we didn’t, but we did get our hands on it…

Catflap’s Sam Feasey and a camera-wielding Matt Sellers need no excuse to rock up and gatecrash most events. And while most of you probably wouldn’t class thousands of Portsmouth fans queuing up outside Fratton Park for FA Cup semi-final tickets as an event per se, we would. And so rock up they did. And as they were entertaining the crowds with their hilarious wisecracks, genius questions and a few Canterbury goodies, guess who should turn up to pay them a visit? That’s right, the jug-eared shiny thing that everyone wants to win.

And here’s a pic of the delighted Lord Feasey with said Cup. While unashamedly wearing gear here’s clear just blagged for free. Though quite why he’s posing with it in the Bronx we’ll never know…

Posted by: Lex

Posted by: Lex

England's David Bentley speaks to us at the Umbro England kit launch last month...

Read the full interview in the latest issue of Catflap Magazine...

Posted by: Lex

Carling Cup Final tickets winner Daren Chamberlain says thanks to Catflap and King of Shaves...

It was a huge surprise when I got the call to say I had won tickets to Sunday’s Carling Cup Final at Wembley – as a rule I never win anything so this was fantastic! The tube journey up to Wembley was loud, with fans of both teams in good humour and fine voice. Exiting the station, the sea of supporters making their way along Olympic Way was really something to see. We had a great view of the match from the fantastic view that our seats on the halfway line gave us. A few seats along in the row in behind were of a number of former Chelsea players including Nigel Spackman, Dave Beasant, Colin Lee, Colin Pates, and John Hollins amongst others. A lot of the match was spent on the edge of the aforementioned seats. All that was missing was the right result for us, but we’re still on for the treble! Thanks Catflap and King of Shaves.

PS:  If you need to fill any FA Cup Final or Champions League Final seats I’d be only too happy to help out…

Daren.

Posted by: Lex

Getting drunk with Jeff Stelling = Football Heaven...

The Rules

- Everytime a goal is scored:- 1 shot of beer

- Every sending off:- 1 shot of Jager (or substitute)

- Half time:- Absolutley no alcoholic beverages may be
imbibed during this period.

- Whenever Chris Kamara is talking:- You must be drinking

- Whenever Merson uses stupid rhyming slang (i.e."he's hit the beans
on toast"!):- 1 shot of Jager

- In the second half, all teams can only be referred to by their
nicknames:- Failure to do so results in a 3 beer shot penalty.

- Whenever Swindon Town appear on the vidiprinter: - Last person to
shout out 'Mackerel' takes shot of Jager.

- Whenever Dundee appear on the vidiprinter:- Last person to shout out
'Football' takes shot of Jager.

- Everytime Phil Thompson says 'Stevie Gerrard':- 3 shots of beer.

- Everytime Jeff makes an 'A Trialist' joke:- 3 shots of beer.

- Everytime your team score:- 2 extra shots of beer

- Everytime Matty Taylor and 'Goal of the Season' are mentioned in the
same sentence:- 1 shot of Jager

- Everytime Jeff calls Kenny Deucher 'The Good Doctor':- 1 shot of
Whisky

- Any hint of racism (social or otherwise) from any of the pundits:-
Quad bombs (4 jager+redbull) all round

- Everytime Hartlepool score a goal:- 3 shots of beer

- Everytime a pundit shouts off camera:- 2 shots of beer

- Everytime LeTiss is mentioned in connection with a takeaway: - 1
shot of Jager

- Whenever Chris Kamara says "its unbelievable Jeff", all drinks must
be downed

- Everytime Jeff mentions "dancing in the streets of TNS: - 1 shot of
jager

- Everytime Jeff says "its Doom and Gloom at..." - 1 shot of jager

- Everytime the team 'Keith' is referred to as just being one guy :- 1
shot of jager

- Everytime Brighton & Hove, or Daggers & Redbridge are jokingly
referred to as two different teams playing the same oppo :- 1 shot of
jager

- Everytime when Arbroath striker Kevin Webster scores and Stelling
says "ohh, Sally will be pleased" :- 1 shot of Jager.

- Everytime anything bad happens to Craig Bellemy (injury, og, booked,
arrested for assault etc.) :- 2 celebratory shots of the spirit of
choice.

- Whenever Northampton Town appear on the vidiprinter, last person to
shout out 'Cobblers' :- shot of Jager

Posted by: Catflap Magazine

ONETrueSaxon 2008 Catalogue...

Our good friends at ONETrueSaxon have got in touch with us to tell us all about their brand spanking new catalogue. As well as including all the usual top clobber, their 255-page ‘International Essentials’ SS08 Catalogue doubles as a travel guide for the world’s most famous cities, including Madrid, Sydney, Moscow and New York. With tips on the best bars, restaurants, clubs, hotels and football teams, the guide also includes a suggested five-track soundtrack for each city. And a list of where to buy ONETrueSaxon gear in each given city of course.

To get your hands on a free copy order it from www.goodnorth.com or send an email with your name and postal address to orders@goodnorth.com with ‘Catflap' in the subject line.

Posted by: Lex

Forget the Premier League, pub football is where it's at...

Posted by: Lex

This week's heroes and losers according to, well, us...

Top Cats…

Fabio Capello
Hardly the most convincing of wins, but what impressed us here was his single-mindedness and refusal to bow to the pressure of selecting England’s big players, or playing the way the fans want. And calling all the players by their surnames. Makes a nice change from Steve ‘Becks, Stevie G and JT’ McClaren.

Joe Cole
Could be the man to really benefit from Capello’s reign. Always at his best when given a free role just off the striker, it was probably always going to take a foreign manager to allow him to do this. Looked sharp and lively against the Swiss. Though he’s probably had to endure stick all week for being the teacher’s pet.

Egypt
While the BBC’s B team covering the African Nations were cooing over an Ivory Coast side brimming with Premier League players, Egypt demonstrated that brute force and power isn’t always the answer at the tournament in Ghana. To the evident disappointment of all at the Beeb, the Ivory Coast were comprehensively beaten in the Semi Final, with their talismanic front man, one Mr. Drogba, spending most of his time on the deck.

Jimmy Bullard
The word refreshing tends to be overused when describing footballers who tend to break the mould slightly, but after Jimmy Bullard made no attempt to hide his glee after scoring the winning goal for Fulham last week, it’s hard not to use the word. Especially after he spent the week hugging people, "I was full of it, I wanted to cuddle everyone I could see!" Bless.

In a Flap…

Andre Bikey
Your team is 1-0 up with one minute to go, and a place in the African Nations Cup final up for grabs. One of your teammates is down injured, with the medics on the pitch about to place him on the stretcher. What do you do? If you’re Reading’s Andre Bikey, you push one of the medics over, earn yourself a red card, and miss the final. Absolutely crackers.

The Premier League
Well that’s it, it’s confirmed now. The game is officially now all about money, with the fans reduced to a second-thought. On a good day. Just how will moving ten Premier League games a season abroad not turn in to a complete shambles? What next, millionaires can rent teams to have a game in their back garden? Probably.

Terry Butcher
If you’re an England legend, famous for battling on in a blood-stained bandage while playing for the national side, it might just rankle with some people if you’re appointed as Scotland assistant manager. When we mean some people, we mean all of Scotland.

Michael Owen
Poor Mickey. It’s not gone so well for him as late has it? Sadly for him, England have appointed one of the few managers on the planet who cares little about his 40 goals in 88 international appearances. Instead, all Fabio sees are poor performances in a poor club side. Can anyone else see that summer transfer request a mile off?

Posted by: Lex

Posted by: Lex

Catflap on tour: England away kit launch, Watford...

Thanks to Video Ed Matt Sellers for setting it to the campest score ever heard...

Posted by: Lex

Naked Sven, Ronaldo misery, Lee Trundle's innappropriate showboating and Kevin Keegan. Again...

Manchester City v Arsenal
Where City of Manchester Stadium, 12.45
What you hope to see A Daniel Sturridge hat trick completed in the last minute with an audacious strike to win 3-2. Prompting Sven to rip his shirt off, throw it in the crowd and boom out ‘Blue Moon’ over the PA system.
What you’re likely to get A Daniel Sturridge hat trick completed in the last minute with an audacious strike to win 3-2. Prompting Sven to smile. Just.
Watch out for Joe Hart furiously stamping on any balloon within a three-mile radius of Eastlands.
Fact! Daniel Sturridge is the nephew of former Derby County forward Dean Sturridge.

Tottenham v Man Utd
Where White Hart Lane, 15.00
What you hope to see Ronaldo’s smug grin wiped off his face as he misses two open goals, a penalty and gets sent off. For winking.
What you’re likely to get Two United goals in the first 20 minutes. Both from Ronaldo. One a ridiculous free-kick. And then a smug celebration.
Watch out for Pascal Chimbonda lapping up the Spurs’ fans adulation after his frank assessment of his future at the club.
Fact! The north stand at White Hart Lane holds exactly 10,086 fans.

QPR v Bristol City
Where Loftus Road, 15.00
What you hope to see A rousing clash with top of the table Bristol City hoping to prove the country they’re more than a one season wonder with a manager who always talks about getting his arse out in shop windows.
What you’re likely to get Lee Trundle appeasing his Soccer AM withdrawal symptoms by doing tricks and flicks in the centre circle with Bristol 1-0 up with minutes to go. Then losing the ball before a QPR equaliser...
Watch out for QPR fans waving tenners in the stands singing ‘We’re richer than you’. Then Bristol fans replying with a witty riposte involving the words “Oo” and “Ar”.
Fact! Lee Trundle is engaged to Atomic Kitten’s Liz McClarnon.

Swansea v Oldham
Where Liberty Stadium, 14.00
What you hope to see A full-to-the-brim Liberty Stadium cheering on their top-of-the-table side, with new loan signing Febian Brandy showing exactly why he’s rated so highly at Man Utd.
What you’re likely to get Latics defender Neal ‘no-nonsense’ Trotman to go through Brandy after three minutes.
Watch out for Swansea mascot Cyril the Swan lashing out at fellow humans dressed in fury animal suits.
Fact! Cyril the Swan married Cybil the Swan at the final league game at the Vetch Field in 2005.

Newcastle v Middlesbrough
Where St. James’ Park, Sunday, 13.30
What you hope to see Dreary game postponed after 15 minutes after high winds cause all the ‘comedy’ curly wigs and paper crowns to fly off the heads of those wacky Geordies and cover the pitch. Just to show that the situation on Tyneside can, contrary to current belief, become even more bizarre.
What you’re likely to get A typical fiery Tyne-Tees derby. Also know in the game as dirge.
Watch out for Constant camera cuts to Dennis Wise in the stands, looking slightly confused and bored.
Fact! Kevin Keegan no longer has a black perm.

Read CATFLAP our FREE Football Magazine http://ezine.catflapmag.com

Posted by: Lex

No David Beckham, Jermain Defoe or Paul Robinson...

Provisional England squad for Switzerland game...

Goalkeepers: S Carson (Aston Villa), D James (Portsmouth), C Kirkland (Wigan).

Defenders: W Bridge (Chelsea), W Brown (Manchester United), A Cole (Chelsea), C Davies (Aston Villa), R Ferdinand (Manchester United) G Johnson (Portsmouth), L King (Tottenham), J Lescott (Everton), M Richards (Manchester City), N Shorey (Reading), M Upson (West Ham), J Woodgate (Tottenham).

Midfielders: G Barry (Aston Villa), D Bentley (Blackburn), M Carrick (Manchester United), J Cole (Chelsea), S Downing (Middlesbrough), S Gerrard (Liverpool), O Hargreaves (Manchester United), J Jenas (Tottenham), S Wright-Phillips (Chelsea), A Young (Aston Villa).

Forwards: G Agbonlahor (Aston Villa), P Crouch (Liverpool), E Heskey (Wigan), M Owen (Newcastle), W Rooney (Manchester United).

Posted by: Lex

Old enough to remember penny football?

This will bring back some memories. And you won't lose any money...

Posted by: Lex

Curly Kev is back!

He's not the messiah, he's just a very emotional boy...

 

Posted by: Catflap Magazine

Featuring Anna Fowler, Fabio Capello as Jesus and the inaugural Flaps awards. Read it here, and find out who won the Jimmy Choo Wag of the Year award. Though there is a big clue in the picture...

Read the Latest Issue of Catflap Mag for Free Here!!!

Posted by: Catflap Magazine