For when a rumour mill isn't enough

 

 

Roman Abramovich has emerged as a key figure in the transfer saga of Cristiano Ronaldo.

 

Real Madrid hope to complete the move by the middle of July for €80 million and then will immediately sell Robinho to Chelsea for a generous €50 million thus giving them a net outlay of just €30 million. That is right, Abramovich will make it possible for Real to sign Ronaldo for just £20 million, that is a steal.

 

The operation was agreed earlier this week in a meeting between the Real president Calderon and executives at Banco Santander. The reason Abramovich will assist the transfer is obvious as it will weaken a rival, Fergie will be furious.

Posted by: Rik

Ah, Zizou, how you will be missed...

Posted by: Lex

They love a good argument those Dutch...

Group C
Holland


Odds to win: 14/1
Previous best: Champions in 1988
Gaffer's pedigree: In a continuing theme about managers' hair, we notice that Marco’s gone for a military crew cut. Which has obviously offended Clarence Seedorf and Mark van Bommel, who have refused to play for him. Which is just so Dutch.
He might do alright: If Robin van Persie stays fit throughout, his left boot could well light up the tournament. Not literally, there are floodlights for that sort of thing.
How did he get in? Wigan’s Mario Melchiot, Blackburn’s Andre Ooijer, Chelsea’s Khalid Boulahrouz. And you wonder why we’ve tipped them to finish bottom.
Stick your money on: More feuds to split the camp. Seedorf and van Bommel may be gone, but there’s still Van Nistelrooy, and he loves a good verbal scrap.
Wag Watch: Rafael van der Vaart is not one for in-fighting. Probably because he comes home to his gorgeous wife Sylvie every night. The swine.
If they were a celeb: Dale Winton. Orange.
Obligatory translation feature: “Laat ons kalme beneden en spreek rationeel het door” (“Let’s calm down and talk it through rationally”)
Prediction: Bottom in their group following a stormy tournament.

Posted by: Lex

Revenge is on the cards...

World Cup winners up for the double...

Group C
Italy


Odds to win: 13/2
Previous best: Champions in 1968
Gaffer's pedigree: Roberto Donadoni is the coolest customer in the Euros, which makes up for his lack of managerial experience.
He might do alright: Fabio Quagliarella. Chappers told us he was half decent, and he should know. Assuming he watches Serie A and doesn’t simply gawp at Laura Esposto anyway.
How did he get in? Constant cry baby Antonio Cassano was this season suspended for five games for threatening to fight the ref. He also cried after being sent off for dissent. Liability is his middle name. Not very Italian is it?
Stick your money on: Luca Toni doing that weird hand thing when he scores. Is he phoning someone? Or just itching his head?
Wag Watch: The delectable TV presenter Alena Seredova keeps ‘keeper Gianluigi Buffon warm at night. See her here.
If they were a celeb: Gordon Ramsey. Use their hands way too much.
Obligatory translation feature: “Veramente gloriosaente decisione riferimento” (“Truly splendid decision referee”)
Prediction: They’ll top their group, but lose to France in the semis.

Posted by: Lex

Mutu's in with a sniff...

Group C
Romania


Odds to win: 40/1
Previous best: Quarter-finals in 2000
Gaffer's pedigree: They call him Victor Piturca, and he’s done well to take Romania to their first tournament in eight years. Though a spanking from the three big sides could see him gone.
He might do alright: Adrian Mutu. The chap we all remember over here for being Abramovich’s first Chelsea signing, only to be sacked for taking cocaine. He’s now a reformed character now apparently.
How did he get in? Baggies fans might remember Cosmin Contra, who they signed on loan from Athletico Madrid in 2004. He also spent three years at AC Milan, but only managed five appearances for West Brom.
Stick your money on: Romanian success being directly proportional to the amount of old Gheorghe Hagi clips we’ll be shown.   
Wag Watch: Mrs Mutu is one Consuelo Matos, who is, shock, horror, a model.    
If they were a celeb: Cilla Black. Might surprise a few people.
Obligatory translation feature: “Eşti tu elder acesta este chiar sherry” (“Are you sure it’s just sherbet?”)
Prediction: Third in the group of death.

Posted by: Lex

Group B
Austria


Odds to win: 100/1
Previous best: Never before qualified.
Gaffer's pedigree: His name is Josef Hickersberger. No we’ve not heard of him either. But to be fair at least he’s done what no other Austrian has done before, and got his side to qualify for the Euros. Admittedly they didn’t have to play a single game but take the positives, they are few others.
He might do alright: Werder Bremen’s Sebastian Prodl is one for the future, but the side are about as popular in Austria as Gordon Brown is over here at the minute.
How did he not get in? OK, so Paul Scharner isn’t Pele but he hasn’t half done well for Wigan this season. So falling out with his national manager probably wasn’t a good idea.
Stick your money on: Indifference from the home crowd. Unless they’re successful. Which they won’t be.
Wag Watch: It is Austria, so there aren’t many, understandably. But Boro’s Emmanuel Pogatetz’s wife Mirjam is tidy.
If they were a celeb: Heather Mills. They’ll have a tough time of it at home.
Obligatory translation feature: “Mindestens es war nur fünf” (“At least it was only five”)
Prediction: They’ll avoid complete humiliation by finishing third. In Group B.

Posted by: Lex

Up step England's conquerors...

Group B
Croatia


Odds to win: 12/1
Previous best: Quarter Final in 1996
Gaffer's pedigree: Slaven Bilic is the main reason why England aren’t here and yet we still think he’s great. Probably because he says managing Croatia is an honour and only accepts minimum wage as payment. And he doesn’t use umbrellas.
He might do alright: Luka Modric is the man Spurs have just bought for £16m so see how good he is. Or laugh uncontrollably when he does his hamstring.
How did he get in? Despite having two kidney transplants this season, Ivan Klasnic could lead the line for his country. To think Darren Anderton used to miss games for having a sore toenail.
Stick your money on: Some kind of emotional dedication to Eduardo after each goal scored. And a needless booking each time.
Wag Watch: Anica Kovac, defender Robert’s better half, is a Miss World runner-up.
If they were a celeb: Bill Oddie. Quirky and colourful but just a little weird.
Obligatory translation feature: “Gdje je Paul Crvendać selac te dani?” (“Where’s Paul Robinson these days?”)
Prediction: Second in the group, but out to Germany in the semi-final.

Posted by: Lex

It's everybody's second team...isn't it?

Group B
Germany

Odds to win: 4/1
Previous best: Three times champions.
Gaffer's pedigree: Joachim Low is no Jurgen Klinsmann, he doesn’t live in California for a start. But he has great hair, which counts for a lot.
He might do alright: Mario Gomez. That's right, he's German. His dad's Spanish or something and clearly didn't fancy calling him Ulrich. Nonetheless the boy can play, and he's already scored six goals in nine games for his country.
How did he get in? Jens Lehman. Poor ‘keeper, crap hair, great moaner. How he’ll miss his old pal Oliver.
Stick your money on: Germany surprising everyone by playing the best football in the tournament. Depressing thought.
Wag Watch: Sarah Brander. That's Miss Bastian Schweinsteiger, the not-so-aesthetically-pleasing midfielder. A quick Google search will show that, like Hatton in Las Vegas, he's punching way above his weight.
If they were a celeb: Naomi Campbell: Unpopular, unpredictable, but attractive to look at.
Obligatory translation feature: “Vorsprung durch technik” (“Jens Lehman can’t catch a beach ball”)
Prediction: Winners. Depressingly…

Posted by: Lex

Motson gears up for this lot...

Group B
Poland

Odds to win: 40/1
Previous best: Never before qualified
Gaffer's pedigree: There really are some cracking names this year. Leo Beenhakker is the man who leads Poland, sounding like he’s come straight off the set of Harry Potter.
He might do alright: John Motson. Because if he can pronounce this lot correctly, he might yet keep his job at the Beeb.
How did he get in? Marek Saganowski, of Southampton. You know, the side that escaped relegation to League One on the last day of the season. He’ll be in inspiring form then…
Stick your money on: Celtic ‘keeper Artur Boruc swearing, gesturing or mooning at the crowd. It’s what he does.
Wag Watch: Katarzyna Boruc. The aforementioned Artur is regularly featured in the Polish tabloids with his blonde wife.
If they were a celeb: Britney Spears circa 1999. Nobody can quite believe they’ve never done it before.
Obligatory translation feature: “JA wola klasa ten oszczędzić pomywacz strony u mój powrót” (“I will order the spare washer parts on my return”)
Prediction: Last in their group.

Posted by: Lex

Watch out Europe, Colin's on the scene...

Group A
Turkey

Odds to win: 50/1
Previous best: Quarter-final in 2000
Gaffer's pedigree: As well as competing with Kobi Kuhn for the best name in football, Fatih Terim is the most successful coach in Turkish football.
He might do alright: Villareal’s Nihat Kahveci has been banging them in most weeks in Spain, but given that he’s likely to get worse service than the tube on a bank holiday, he could be in for a frustrating tournament.
How did he get in? They call him Kazim-Kazim, we know him as Colin Kazim-Richards, the chap who looked out of place at Sheffield United is now a Turkish international playing for Fenerbahce. How does that work?
Stick your money on: Emre becoming a UN ambassador. Only joking.
Wag Watch: You'll be lucky, boss Fatih Terim keeps a close eye on his players and refuses to have WAGs anywhere near the team hotel.
If they were a celeb: Lawrence-Llewelyn Bowen. Unfashionable, lacking in creativity, and often annoying.
Obligatory translation feature: “Neler sen niyet etmek isviçre don't edyorlar Vermek” (“What do you mean the Swiss don’t do donner?”)
Prediction: Bottom of the group.

Posted by: Lex

Like their cheese, the Swiss defence is full of holes...

Group A
Switzerland

Odds to win: 22/1
Previous best: Round One in 2004
Gaffer's pedigree: Despite having a name that makes him sound like an 80’s rapper, Kobi Kuhn is being replaced by Ottmar Hitzfeld after the tournament.
He might do alright: Eren Derdiyok. He’s the youngster who scored on his senior debut in February. Though it was against England so it doesn’t really tell us much.
How did he get in? Johan Djourou is the rock at the heart of the Swiss defence. Fancy relying on an Arsenal reserve. Still, at least he has Philippe Senderos alongside him. Oh…
Stick your money on: Journalists and commentators making rubbish puns about cheese and/or mountains.
Wag Watch: Lazio winger Valon Behrami has done well for himself for nabbing model Elena Bonzanni.
If they were a celeb: Charlie Higson. Probably a really dull host.
Obligatory translation feature: “Ist es vorbei schon?“ (“Is it over yet?”)
Prediction: Third in the group.

Posted by: Lex

Even Prescott hits harder than that...

It's Big Phil and Mr. Feet himself, Ronaldo...

Group A
Portugal

Odds to win: 15/2
Previous best: Runners-up in 2004.
Gaffer's pedigree: There’s not much you don’t know about Phil Scolari, whether it be winning a World Cup, slagging off the English press or punching opposition players. What a guy.
He might do alright: Strong in the air, great with both feet and plays in the Premier League. But enough of Ricardo Carvalho, we’re keeping an eye on a chap named Ronaldo.
How did he get in? Helder Postiga. Yes Spurs fans, you read it right. This clown is still an international footballer.
Stick your money on: Juvenile chuckles nationwide when sub ‘keeper Quim is mentioned in commentary.
Wag Watch: Nereida Gallardo is Cristiano’s current flame, check her out here.
If they were a celeb: Will Smith as Fresh Prince. Because Big Phil’s in charge. Obviously.
Obligatory translation feature: “Pela última vez Sr. Fergusson, Eu faço não exigir um chaperone” (“For the last time Mr. Ferguson, I do not require a chaperone.”)
Prediction: Second in the group, but lose to Germany in the quarters.

Posted by: Lex

As if we weren't going to do a Euro 2008 preview...

Group A
Czech Republic

Odds to win: 18/1
Previous best: Winners in 1976 (As Czechoslovakia)
Gaffer's pedigree: Karel Bruckner seems to have been manager for decades, and looks like he has too, but this will be his last tournament.
He might do alright: As well as Bruckner, this could be big Jan Koller’s last hurrah, and he’ll be wanting to go out on a high before a certain move into WWE.
How did he get in? David Rozehnal. Clearly Czech scouts didn’t make it to St. James’ Park this season.
Stick your money on: Most of the squad keeping a low profile: five of them were caught with six prostitutes in the team hotel last year.
Wag Watch: Hedvika Koller. Big Jan’s Mrs is a former Playboy model. Which shouldn’t really surprise us.
If they were a celeb: Hugh Heffner. Aging, ugly and a bit pervy.
Obligatory translation feature: “Jak až k člen určitý červeň bujný oblast?” (“Which way to the red light district?”)
Prediction: Group winners, but out in the quarter-final to Croatia.

Posted by: Lex

Capello goes for the new boys...

It might have been a different story had he been in goal rather than on the Manchester City bench today, but Joe Hart is among several new names in the 31-man England squad to face the USA and Trinidad and Tobago. Everton's Phil Jagielka, Spurs' Tom Huddlestone, Blackburn's Stephen Warnock and Boro's David Wheater are other uncapped players to be given the call up.

Full England squad to play USA and Trinidad and Tobago:

David James (Portsmouth), Joe Hart (Man City), Chris Kirkland (Wigan).

Wayne Bridge (Chelsea), Wes Brown (Man Utd), Ashley Cole (Chelsea), Rio Ferdinand (Man Utd), Phil Jagielka (Everton), Glen Johnson (Chelsea), John Terry (Chelsea), Stephen Warnock (Blackburn), David Wheater (Middlesbrough), Jonathan Woodgate (Tottenham).

Gareth Barry (Aston Villa), David Beckham (LA Galaxy), David Bentley (Blackburn), Joe Cole (Chelsea), Stewart Downing (Middlesbrough), Owen Hargreaves (Man Utd), Tom Huddlestone (Tottenham), Steven Gerrard (Liverpool), Jermaine Jenas (Tottenham), Frank Lampard (Chelsea), Ashley Young (Aston Villa).

Theo Walcott (Arsenal), Gabriel Agbonlahor (Aston Villa), Dean Ashton (West Ham), Peter Crouch (Liverpool), Jermain Defoe (Portsmouth), Michael Owen (Newcastle), Wayne Rooney (Man Utd).

Posted by: Lex

Because we're all British here...

And we're all sticking together in our very own Euro 2008 rejects group...

Wales team to play Luxembourg:
Price, Eardley, Ricketts, Williams, Morgan, Nyatanga, Eastwood, Fletcher, Koumas, Simon Davies, Easter.

Scotland team to play Croatia: Gordon, Hutton, Naysmith, Caldwell, McManus, Darren Fletcher, Hartley, Brown, Maloney, Miller, Steven Fletcher.

Northern Ireland team to play Georgia: Taylor, Baird, Hughes, Craighan, Evans, Gillespie, Johnson, Davis, Elliot, Healy, Lafferty.

Posted by: Lex

England team to play France...

By the way, I'm not drunk, that's set out in Capello's 4-2-3-1 system. Get me...

Posted by: Lex

England players preview the game on Wednesday...

Though Rio's clearly not done his homework. Henry and Saha are injured while Trezeguet wasn't even picked...

Posted by: Lex

The England squad to play France next week...

Goalkeepers: James (Portsmouth), Carson (Aston Villa), Kirkland (Wigan)
Defenders: Bridge (Chelsea), A Cole (Chelsea), Johnson (Portsmouth), Terry (Chelsea), Brown (Man Utd), Lescott (Everton), Ferdinand (Man Utd), Wheater (Middlesbrough), Woodgate (Tottenham), Upson (West Ham)
Midfielders: Barry (Aston Villa), Young (Aston Villa), Bentley (Blackburn), J Cole (Chelsea), Lampard (Chelsea), Wright-Phillips (Chelsea), Beckham (Los Angeles Galaxy), Gerrard (Liverpool), Hargreaves (Man Utd), Downing (Middlesbrough), Jenas (Tottenham)
Forwards: Walcott (Arsenal), Agbonlahor (Aston Villa), Crouch (Liverpool), Rooney (Man Utd), Owen (Newcastle), Defoe (Portsmouth).

Posted by: Lex

Let's hope his English is better than his German should he ever blow his top infront of Irish jounalists...

Posted by: Lex

Top Cats…

FAI
They’ve been criticised for taking too long with the appointment, but anyone who hires Steve Staunton as national manager should definitely take a while to think about their next choice. Now with the experienced and knowledgeable Giovanni Trapattoni in charge, maybe Kevin ’86 caps’ Kilbane won’t get to a ludicrous ton.

Aberdeen
It’s easy to ridicule Scottish football. It’s a Mickey Mouse league. See we just did it there. But kudos to the Dons after a fantastic 2-2 draw with Bayern Munich in the UEFA Cup which brought back memories of their former European glories. Though Bayern also drew with Bolton earlier in the season, so they’re clearly dross.

Andy Cole
Slow, unfit and well past it was the verdict when Keano loaned him out to Burnley after only seven appearances on Wearside. After his first hattrick in seven years midweek though, he now has four goals in three games at Turf Moor. Nice one Andy, sorry Andrew.

El-Hadji Diouf
The former spitee is spat at. Earl Hickey would say it was Karma, but whatever it is the much-lambasted Diouf kept his cool against Atletico Madrid and even scored the winner. Fair play. We still don’t like him though.

In a Flap…

Richard Scudamore
The Sun are clearly chuffed to bits with their Scooby Doo mock-up of the Premier League Chief Executive, as they’ve had it in the paper nearly every day this week. But there’s no arguing with their sentiments after most of the football confederations around the world, and even Sepp Blatter, claimed the idea for ‘game 39’ would not be welcomed.

Bryan Robson
The saddest thing about Bryan Robson being sacked again is that we just know he’ll get another job somewhere else on big money, only to be sacked again. Do people never learn? Sheffield United appointed Kevin Blackwell in his place. So no then.
Steve McClaren
"My next job will be about the person employing me as much as anything - he has to have vision and be ambitious. It might be abroad, in the second division or in the Championship."
Babelfish translator: “Will anyone have me? Please…”

Ronaldo
Despite his vein attempts to get noticed again by sporting a haircut more ridiculous than the one he had at the 2002 World Cup, poor Ronnie now dominates the sports pages for the wrong reasons. He’s knacked his knee tendons and could be out for eight months. Given his recent eating habits, if he does make a return he’ll not look out of place at the Premier League Darts.

Posted by: Lex

No David Beckham, Jermain Defoe or Paul Robinson...

Provisional England squad for Switzerland game...

Goalkeepers: S Carson (Aston Villa), D James (Portsmouth), C Kirkland (Wigan).

Defenders: W Bridge (Chelsea), W Brown (Manchester United), A Cole (Chelsea), C Davies (Aston Villa), R Ferdinand (Manchester United) G Johnson (Portsmouth), L King (Tottenham), J Lescott (Everton), M Richards (Manchester City), N Shorey (Reading), M Upson (West Ham), J Woodgate (Tottenham).

Midfielders: G Barry (Aston Villa), D Bentley (Blackburn), M Carrick (Manchester United), J Cole (Chelsea), S Downing (Middlesbrough), S Gerrard (Liverpool), O Hargreaves (Manchester United), J Jenas (Tottenham), S Wright-Phillips (Chelsea), A Young (Aston Villa).

Forwards: G Agbonlahor (Aston Villa), P Crouch (Liverpool), E Heskey (Wigan), M Owen (Newcastle), W Rooney (Manchester United).

Posted by: Lex