For when a rumour mill isn't enough

 

 

Roman Abramovich has emerged as a key figure in the transfer saga of Cristiano Ronaldo.

 

Real Madrid hope to complete the move by the middle of July for €80 million and then will immediately sell Robinho to Chelsea for a generous €50 million thus giving them a net outlay of just €30 million. That is right, Abramovich will make it possible for Real to sign Ronaldo for just £20 million, that is a steal.

 

The operation was agreed earlier this week in a meeting between the Real president Calderon and executives at Banco Santander. The reason Abramovich will assist the transfer is obvious as it will weaken a rival, Fergie will be furious.

Posted by: Rik

The greasy one is clearly a reader...

That's right, only hours after we publish a "make your mind up" plea on this week's front cover, Cristiano Ronaldo has done exactly that. According to the Sun, Ronaldo admitted that he wanted to join Madrid, only hours after Portugal were dumped out of the Euros by Germany (cough, cough, our tip to win...).

Here's what the gurning winger said:

“In the next few days there could be news. The possibilities of me going to Madrid are great but it does not depend on me. I know there is a concrete offer on the table, now let's see if we can reach a deal in the next days. Everyone knows what I want. I have many desires and in the next days they will become clear.”



Catflap: "Make your bloody mind up."
Ronaldo: "OK."
Catflap: "Er, well, can you leave it a week so our cover isn't out of date..."
Ronaldo: "No."
Catflap: "Bugger."

Click here to read this week's mag...

Posted by: Lex

It's the big one: Hull v Fulham...

Premier League first day fixtures - Saturday, 16 August
Arsenal v West Brom
Aston Villa v Man City
Bolton v Stoke
Chelsea v Portsmouth
Everton v Blackburn
Hull v Fulham
Man Utd v Newcastle
Middlesbrough v Tottenham
Sunderland v Liverpool
West Ham v Wigan

Posted by: Lex

Man United's Fred the Red...

What in hell is that?
Not hell, Old Trafford, for the teams who come to play Manchester United here its hard to tell the difference though. And his name is Fred the Red by the way. 

Sorry to be rude...
You're not really are you?

No. So what is he?
He's a devil. And an excitable one at that.

Not exactly the scariest portrayal of Bealzebub is it?
Well scaring the kids is probably not on the highest list of priorities at Old Trafford.

So what does he do?
He does have a tendency to chase Sir Alex around the dugout every now and again.

More than most fourth officials have the bottle to do. Anything Else?
Not really, apart from the obvious. He is extremely red, but being the mascot of the mighty Reds, pride of the north west, nothing else would do.  

Right. Do the fans get on with the lad?
Anyone who jumps on Fergie goes down pretty well in Manchester.

Like drunk Scots at train stations?
No

Posted by: Lex

Two English sides in the final, anyone surprised it went to penalties...

Champions League Final, Luzhniki Stadium.

Chelsea 1
Lampard, 45mins

Man Utd 1              
Ronaldo, 26mins

Man Utd win 6-5 on penalties. The Jammy swines...

Posted by: Lex

Well, it was no first half...

Full Time, Luzhniki Stadium, Champions League Final. Extra Time to be played...

Chelsea 1
Lampard, 45mins

Man Utd 1              
Ronaldo, 26mins

Posted by: Lex

It's certainly not last year's FA Cup Final...

Half Time, Luzhniki Stadium, Champions League Final...

Chelsea 1
Lampard, 45mins

Man Utd 1              
Ronaldo, 26mins

Posted by: Lex

Makelele's hilarious challenge can't stop Moan King Cole...

Man United: Van der Sar, Brown, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Carrick, Hargreaves, Scholes, Ronaldo, Rooney, Tevez.
Subs: Kuszczak, Anderson, Giggs, Nani, O'Shea, Fletcher, Silvestre.

Chelsea: Cech, Essien, Terry, Carvalho, A Cole, Makelele, Ballack, Lampard, Malouda, J Cole, Drogba.
Subs: Cudicini, Shevchenko, Mikel, Kalou, Alex, Belletti, Anelka.

Posted by: Lex

Champions League Final special…

It seems that Paddy just loves trying to thrust money back in your wallet. He just never stops with his money-back specials. And it’s no different this week, as good old Mr. Power is offering to refund all losing Win-Draw-Win, Correct Score, 1st/last/anytime goalscorer and Half-time/Full-time market bets if Ronaldo scores in normal time. Which, let’s be frank for a second here, is barmy given Ronnie’s record this season. Paddy obviously doesn’t fancy raking in the millions tonight.

Either that, or he knows something we don’t about the greasy Portuguese with foot Tourettes.

With that in mind, we’re not going to plump for him to score, as it would be entirely pointless. Though it has just dawned on us that that may be the exactly what Paddy wants us to do…

Nonetheless we’ll let ourselves be swayed by the bloke who’s clearly an Irish version of the demon headmaster and Paul McKenna. Because we going for Man Utd to win in extra time @ 9/1, so ten of the Queen’s finest will bring back a cool ton. Added to that we’re having Carlos Tevez to score first @ 13/2. A fiver on that wins £37.50.

So that’s another £15 less off we’ll be tomorrow. If you also fancy lightening the weight of your wallet, then join us and Lump On! here…

Posted by: Lex

We're sticking our neck out...

OK, so it's not exactly thinking outside the box, but it's the last Lump On! of the Premier League season and we just fancy winning a bit of Uncle Rico's moolah. And as you'll have read in our Weekender for this game, we don't expect much resistance from Steve Bruce's men when Wigan 'attempt' to stop Manchester United from winning the title. So we're going for a Ronaldo first goal and 4-0 win scorecast with Paddypower. The best thing is, if it ends 1-0 to Man Utd, Mr. Power will give you your money back. Hell, even Brucey should get on it...

So if you fancy rolling in the benjamins, click here...

Posted by: Lex

Emile Heskey, timemachines, stopwatches and bludgeoning Steve Bennett...

Where: The JJB Stadium, Saturday, 15:00
What you hope to see: Emile Heskey scoring a late, late, late equaliser. So late in fact that it gives Sir Alex time to go back to 1996 and get his stopwatch. If only to time how long it takes him to murder Steve Bennett using only a corkscrew.
What you’re likely to get: Steve Bruce insisting that his side will pose a challenge for Man Utd. Then Ronaldo scoring two in the first 15 minutes to seal the title. And Steve Bruce celebrating each goal. And then spending the evening getting sozzled on Sir Alex’s wine.
Fact! Sir Alex Ferguson likes his wine.

Posted by: Lex

Like this is your life, only without an oversized red book...

Posted by: Lex

Awaydays: Old Trafford, Manchester United

It's the big one in the North West...

Getting there:
By road, leave the M60 at either junction 7 or 9. From junction 7 - route from clockwise M60. Leave the M60 at junction 7 and join the A56 Manchester bound. Follow signs for Manchester United then  turn left into Sir Matt Busby Way. The car park is situated right in front of the stadium. From junction 9 - route from anti-clockwise M60. Leave the M60 at junction 9 and join Parkway A5081 towards Trafford Park. At the first roundabout take the 3rd exit onto Village Way. At the next roundabout take the second exit onto Wharfside Way. Turn right at the junction with Sir Matt Busby Way. Car parking is situated on the left in front of the stadium.

Alternatively you can travel via the Metrolink, which stops at Old Trafford Station, just five minutes away from the ground. It'll be chocker and a bit crammed, but it'll give you a good opportunity to bond with fellow fans. By bond, we mean your hands may end up places you didn't want them to be...

Around the Ground:
Pub: The Dog and Partridge is described as the place to go for a pre-match drink and sing-song. Your typical old-fashioned pub, it’s crowded and smelly, but somehow still worth a visit. If you fancy something a bit quieter, then The Quadrant on Kings Road is about 10 minutes walk from the ground.

Grub: Like at any other ground in the country, Old Trafford is surrounded by burger vans offering the finest in post or pre-match burgers, hotdogs and chips. Other than that, every eatery in Manchester is packed on match-days, so basically eat wherever you can get served.

Inside the Ground:
Fans/Atmosphere: Although some claim that the atmosphere at Old Trafford isn’t what it used to be, when the 75,000 strong crowd at the Theatre of Dreams is in full voice, it can still generate enough noise to wake a baby.

Bogs and Pies: As the Premier League's most impressive stadium, it's no surprise that Old Trafford boasts better than adequate facilities. But don’t forget 70k plus are using them, so don’t expect the ultimate in luxury. As for Pukka Pies, you cant beat ‘em.

Stewards/Police Friendliness: Stewards are as they are at most grounds; they can be a pain but if you do as you're told there won’t be a problem. As you would expect, there's always a big police presence at Old Trafford, but the same rule applies. Beware though, there are often lots of mounted police around, so watch out for what they leave behind. The horses of course, not the police.

Fact!
An anagram of Old Trafford is Lard Trod Off...

Read CATFLAP our FREE Football Magazine http://ezine.catflapmag.com

Posted by: Lex

Posted by: Lex

Clipped eyebrows, Herman, and "magnifique, Hooky Street"

Where: Old Trafford, 12.45
What you hope to see: Ronaldo refusing to turn up or be seen in public because his six-year old nephew shaved his eyebrows off in his sleep.
What you’re likely to get: Herman Hreidarsson. That’s it really, we just hadn’t laughed at his name in a while.
Fact! Harry Redknapp has never seen Only Fools and Horses.

Posted by: Lex

Hargreaves: So good he can do it with his eyes shut...

Posted by: Lex

More on field scraps at Old Trafford, an absent Al Bangura, Alan Pardew's height and Kevin Blackwell in a chopper...

Liverpool v Barnsley
Where Anfield, 15.00
What you hope to see A rollicking good cup tie, with 14th in the Championship Barnsley displaying the ‘spirit of Havant’ and pegging back the mighty Reds.
What you’re likely to get The dullest tie of the round, with a deflected Gerrard strike and an ugly Crouch header settling the game after 20 minutes.
Fact! Steven Gerrard is a freeman of the Borough of Knowsley.

Man Utd v Arsenal
Where Old Trafford, 17.15
What you hope to see Let’s not beat around the bush here, we’d all love to see another good scrap circa 2004. Only with Phillipe Senderos as Martin Keown and Ronaldo as Ruud van Nistelrooy.
What you’re likely to get Garth Crooks bamboozling Arsene Wenger with incomprehensible non-questions before and after the match. How is this man still in a job?
Fact! Pizza will not be served at the after-match buffet.

Charlton v Watford
Where The Valley, 15.00
What you hope to see John-Joe O’Toole to score on his return for Watford and then revealing that he was invented by Enid Blyton to be a character in the Famous Five.
What you’re likely to get Al Bangura not playing any part for Watford. Again.
Fact! Alan Pardew is 5ft 11in.

Sheff Utd v Middlesbrough
Where Bramall Lane, Sunday, 14.00
What you hope to see Kevin Blackwell to arrive at Bramall Lane in a helicopter.
What you’re likely to get A subdued Bramall Lane wondering how replacing one clueless dullard with another is ever going to work.
Fact! In the event of a bear attack, a recording of Bryan Robson’s voice will send it to sleep and render it harmless.

Posted by: Lex

Still not sure what Catflap is? Observe...

Reminds me of the way I used to hit them...

Posted by: Lex

It's the inaugral Flapometer!

(Until we come up with a better name anyway...)

Yes, it's one of those 'winners and losers of the week' things you see in the free papers...

Top Cats...

Gary McAllister
Gary Mac is back in the big time after five years out of the game. Well, we say big time, we mean League One. But charged with the task of getting Leeds back to the big time. His brief but impressive managerial record so far suggests Leeds have got a fair chance under him, and the fans are not exactly inconsolable over the departure of the growling little one.

Derby
We’re a bunch of softies here at Catflap. And they need a little cheering up over there. Which is why we’ve put them in, after a sterling effort to get a draw at home to high-flying Man City, infront of their new owner, a former wrestler. Sadly, not even Hulk Hogan would save them now.

Ronaldo
We get the feeling he may well feature in this weekly barometer rather too much. But when he scores a free-kick that is quite literally as Catflap as they come, we can hardly leave him out this week can we?

Harry Redknapp
Finally got his man for £12m. When he realises a night in Portsmouth is best spent in the house, Jermain Defoe could thrive under Redknapp and become the final piece to the Portsmouth puzzle, allowing them to really push on into Europe.

Jeremie Aliadiere
While only around 600 spectators witnessed it, Aliadiere actually scored a goal, with the winning strike against Wigan in midweek. Good timing too, with the arrival of £12m striker Alfonso Alves. That should add another 350 to the average Boro gate then.

In a Flap...

Gary Megson
There’s not much you can do when you’re forced to sell your one world class player for £12m. But buying a quality replacement who’ll guarantee the vital goals to keep you up would be a start. So who does the Ginger Mourinho sign to fill a Nicolas Anelka-shaped hole? Grzegorz Rasiak. On loan from Southampton. That’s ‘eight Premier League appearances, no goals’ Grzegorz Rasiak.

Pascal Chimbonda
"Kevin Keegan has approached me and they've offered me more money. I am definitely leaving Spurs. It's all about the money. I don't care about the final, I don't care about the cup." Chimbonda is still at Spurs. Presumably he won’t be wanting to play in that cup final then.

Liverpool
The world is getting bored, very bored, with the whole Liverpool thing. Yes, Rafa being sacked would be slightly harsh, but if that’s what it takes for this whole charade to end, then for God’s sake get the American axe out. After a week which included re-financing, a last minute loss on the pitch and now some ridiculous pipe dream about fans owning the club, all we ask is that it ends. Please.

Kevin Keegan
“He’ll bring back the entertainers!” they all proclaimed in their incomprehensible Geordie drawl. Result: three games, no wins, no goals. “He’ll attract the big names back to the club!” they insisted. Result: Keegan signs a 17-year-old Italian that nobody’s heard of. “He’ll grab the club by the scruff of the neck and sort it out!” Result: The chairman goes over his head to bring in Dennis Wise. Looking good Kev.

Roy Hodgson
Roy: January 6th: "What you don't want is to bring in players on a short-term basis. We need players good enough not only to help us stay in this league but to assist us in building an even stronger team next season. What we don't want to be doing is signing people who are just going to make our list of players longer." Roy’s transfer window signings were Jari Litmanen (36), Toni Kallio (29), Paul Stalteri (30). Clearly all long-term players there then Roy...

Posted by: Lex

Naked Sven, Ronaldo misery, Lee Trundle's innappropriate showboating and Kevin Keegan. Again...

Manchester City v Arsenal
Where City of Manchester Stadium, 12.45
What you hope to see A Daniel Sturridge hat trick completed in the last minute with an audacious strike to win 3-2. Prompting Sven to rip his shirt off, throw it in the crowd and boom out ‘Blue Moon’ over the PA system.
What you’re likely to get A Daniel Sturridge hat trick completed in the last minute with an audacious strike to win 3-2. Prompting Sven to smile. Just.
Watch out for Joe Hart furiously stamping on any balloon within a three-mile radius of Eastlands.
Fact! Daniel Sturridge is the nephew of former Derby County forward Dean Sturridge.

Tottenham v Man Utd
Where White Hart Lane, 15.00
What you hope to see Ronaldo’s smug grin wiped off his face as he misses two open goals, a penalty and gets sent off. For winking.
What you’re likely to get Two United goals in the first 20 minutes. Both from Ronaldo. One a ridiculous free-kick. And then a smug celebration.
Watch out for Pascal Chimbonda lapping up the Spurs’ fans adulation after his frank assessment of his future at the club.
Fact! The north stand at White Hart Lane holds exactly 10,086 fans.

QPR v Bristol City
Where Loftus Road, 15.00
What you hope to see A rousing clash with top of the table Bristol City hoping to prove the country they’re more than a one season wonder with a manager who always talks about getting his arse out in shop windows.
What you’re likely to get Lee Trundle appeasing his Soccer AM withdrawal symptoms by doing tricks and flicks in the centre circle with Bristol 1-0 up with minutes to go. Then losing the ball before a QPR equaliser...
Watch out for QPR fans waving tenners in the stands singing ‘We’re richer than you’. Then Bristol fans replying with a witty riposte involving the words “Oo” and “Ar”.
Fact! Lee Trundle is engaged to Atomic Kitten’s Liz McClarnon.

Swansea v Oldham
Where Liberty Stadium, 14.00
What you hope to see A full-to-the-brim Liberty Stadium cheering on their top-of-the-table side, with new loan signing Febian Brandy showing exactly why he’s rated so highly at Man Utd.
What you’re likely to get Latics defender Neal ‘no-nonsense’ Trotman to go through Brandy after three minutes.
Watch out for Swansea mascot Cyril the Swan lashing out at fellow humans dressed in fury animal suits.
Fact! Cyril the Swan married Cybil the Swan at the final league game at the Vetch Field in 2005.

Newcastle v Middlesbrough
Where St. James’ Park, Sunday, 13.30
What you hope to see Dreary game postponed after 15 minutes after high winds cause all the ‘comedy’ curly wigs and paper crowns to fly off the heads of those wacky Geordies and cover the pitch. Just to show that the situation on Tyneside can, contrary to current belief, become even more bizarre.
What you’re likely to get A typical fiery Tyne-Tees derby. Also know in the game as dirge.
Watch out for Constant camera cuts to Dennis Wise in the stands, looking slightly confused and bored.
Fact! Kevin Keegan no longer has a black perm.

Read CATFLAP our FREE Football Magazine http://ezine.catflapmag.com

Posted by: Lex

I've just stumbled across this list of the worse Man Utd players of all time...

Massimo Taibi - "Prone to huge cock-ups and blunders he destroyed the confidence of the United defence before being shipped back to Italy as quick as possible"



Arthur Graham - "Was already well past it when Ron Atkinson bought him and played well past it."

William Prunier - "Looked like Jaap Stam but unfortunatley he played like Jaap Stam's grandmother, he lasted for only one match, a 4-1 defeat at Spurs. Or did he play again?"

Graeme Hogg - "All I remember about Hogg was his glorious own goal at the Camp Nou. Now HGV lorry driver who also coaches Falkirk Under-10s – enough said."

Ralph Milne - "Devoid of skill and talent, a real "hoof it and hope" type of player from the 80s."

David Bellion - "Jesus. Bellion may not have been the worst player to wear a United shirt but he can't have been far off. Simply a terrible first touch, no awareness of player's around him, awful finishing and an attitude that stank."

Eric Djemba-Djemba - "Couldn’t pass, shoot, tackle or dribble. It still remains a total mystery as to how he ever ended up at Old Trafford."

Kleberson - "Rumour has it Fergie confused this £6 million lad with another Brazillian and bought the wrong player. To think this man actually won the World Cup."

Luke Chadwick - "Given so many chances to prove his worth I lost count – now playing for Stoke!"

Gary Birtles - "The king of all United failures. Once a great striker at Forest then United bought him ... then he ended up at Grimsby."

Diego Forlan - "Forlan couldn't hit a cow's rump with a banjo let alone shoot United to the title. He left with his tail between his legs, United losing millions in the process."


For the full article check out... http://www.dailymail.co.uk

Read our FREE Football Magazine http://ezine.catflapmag.com
(or don't, either way)

Posted by: Crouchy