Man United's Fred the Red...

What in hell is that?
Not hell, Old Trafford, for the teams who come to play Manchester United here its hard to tell the difference though. And his name is Fred the Red by the way. 

Sorry to be rude...
You're not really are you?

No. So what is he?
He's a devil. And an excitable one at that.

Not exactly the scariest portrayal of Bealzebub is it?
Well scaring the kids is probably not on the highest list of priorities at Old Trafford.

So what does he do?
He does have a tendency to chase Sir Alex around the dugout every now and again.

More than most fourth officials have the bottle to do. Anything Else?
Not really, apart from the obvious. He is extremely red, but being the mascot of the mighty Reds, pride of the north west, nothing else would do.  

Right. Do the fans get on with the lad?
Anyone who jumps on Fergie goes down pretty well in Manchester.

Like drunk Scots at train stations?
No

Posted by: Lex

Barnsley's Toby the Tyke

Another exciting installment I see...

Indeed it is, this week we say hello to Toby.

Do I have to? I try not to make a habit of talking to lonely blokes in furry suits.

Just this time then.

OK. Hi Toby. And what's he then? A mole?

A mole? Don't be silly, he's clearly a tyke.

Right. And what the ruddy hell is one of those?

It's a dog. And a cocky one at that.

How come? Does he go round doing his business on the pitch?

Not quite. But he does go in goal during the half time penalty shoot out. And it's very funny to boot.

Sounds a right hoot yeah...

It is. And he used to run from halfway line towards the away end, put ball in the net and celebrate in front of the away fans.

Why used to?

Because the police stopped him from doing so.

Now your talking, a bit of bother! Any more like this?

Well, yes, actually. He's been known to stop the Wolves mascot Wolfy in his tracks.

Wolfy being the renowned mascot troublemaker?

Yeah, but Toby soon took him down a peg.

Well played that man.

Do you mean that?

Not really no.

Posted by: Lex

Tottenham Hotspurs' Chirpy the Cockerel...

Ready for another one of our furry friends?

You say friends...

Don't start...

Sorry, let's just get to the nitty gritty. Has he been in any fights with rival mascots?

Not sure, but my sources tell me the original Chirpy was sacked for inappropriate behaviour.

Really what happened?

He tried to convince (less than average) keeper Bobby Mimms to throw a game against Aston Villa.

Is that true?

Define true.

Conforming with reality or fact. Genuine, not pretended, insincere, or artificial.

In that case then, no it’s not true.

Right. Any accurate information then?

He once raised £230 for a local school.

How touching.

Yeah I know. Enthusiatic Year four pupil, Kyle, described Chirpy's visit as being, "so good I could barely believe it!"

That’s nice.

It is isn’t it.

Posted by: Lex

Aston Villa's Hercules the Lion...

Well find us a Villa player who rhymes with wardrobe...

Well what a damn fine picture that is isn't it...

You just had to mention it didn't you? I spent ages searching for a decent picture and could only find this one. Naively I thought you wouldn't mention it...

Really? You honestly thought I wouldn't mention that the focus of this whole feature can barely be seen in the main picture?

No I suppose not. Can we just get on with it?

Yep. Name?

Hercules The Lion…

Another animal in a football kit? Original.

Tell me about it. Hardly the most inspiring thing to boost fan and team morale, is it? It could be worse though I guess. You know the old saying, “One lion is better than a ferret and an otter.”

Because I want this to finish today, I'm going to ignore that. What's it's characteristics then?

Er, friendly? Jovial? Upbeat? Anything that helps keep him in a job. Durable and robust, apparently.

Robust?

Yep. He's named after the Hercules Cycle and Motor Company, one of Aston’s most successful companies back in the day. The name Hercules was chosen for its associations with durability and robustness. The original company, which is now part of Raleigh, dissolved in December 2003… a month that saw Villa lose only one out of five Premiership fixtures, as well as a 2-1 win over Chelsea in the League Cup. Make of that what you will.

I'm struggling to make much of it to be honest. Since we can't see a bleeding thing in the pic, what does he look like?

I'm ignoring the subtle dig. He has a pretty impressive tail, a scarily spherical head, both of which may or may not possess magical powers. He's known to throw down the occasional disco move, and, unsurprisingly, has the meanest roar in the Premier League.

Course he has. Any claims to fame?

Erm...Hercules is the lovechild of Cowardly The Lion (of Wizard Of Oz fame) and Chimera (known to put herself about during the times of Ancient Greek Mythology)….

That's bollocks isn't it?

Yes.

Posted by: Lex

Notts County's Mr and Mrs Magpie...

It's the next installment of Catflap's mascot guide...

Dear God, where are these things from? These 'things', belong to Notts County.

So what in the blazers are they? They are Mr and Mrs Magpie, and they'd like a bit more respect if you don't mind.

Apologies. But they look like they should be in a Stephen King film. What is it? Not it, but they. They are two magpies. There has to be two you see, as one is unlucky. You know the ditty, “One for sorrow, two for..."

Yeah I get it. I just think if they'd stuck with one it would be more apt. It's hard to argue with that really...

So what are their characteristics? Well, they are big birds who walk round and speak to the kids. They usually get to away games as well.

They sound great. Do they have any special moves Erm, not really. They just walk round a lot.

 I don't know why I bother. How popular are they at Meadow Lane then? I reckon a decent six out of ten.

You just can't be bothered today can you? Give me an interesting fact about them... Erm, they took part in the National Mascot Grand National. And finished it.

I give up... So do I...

Posted by: Lex

The series you've been waiting your life for...

Yes, it's Catflap's guide to Football Mascots!

So where is the fine looking chap from? He's Peterborough United's charming mascot

Tremendous. What's his name? Mr Posh

Not your average mascot... No. Mr Posh is an old chap dressed in a rather smart suit, walking around swinging his cane. Before the game he walks around the ground throwing sweets to the hungry children.

Right... Don't say it. He's just a nice guy.

I didn't say thing. So what's his 'special move'? If you cause trouble, he'll probably hit you round the face with his Zimmer-frame. Though in general he doesn’t do much special, he just swings his stick round his head.

Each to their own. How popular is he? He’s an old man who gives the kids sweets, like a well-loved granddad. What’s not to like? 9/10

Good score. Any more interesting titbits? Posh briefly flirted with another mascot, Peter Burrow, at the start of the 21st century. The crazy rabbit used to play in goal during half-time penalty shoot-outs and finished third in the fifth Mascot Grand National.

See you next time... Can't wait.

Posted by: Lex