It's the big one: Hull v Fulham...

Premier League first day fixtures - Saturday, 16 August
Arsenal v West Brom
Aston Villa v Man City
Bolton v Stoke
Chelsea v Portsmouth
Everton v Blackburn
Hull v Fulham
Man Utd v Newcastle
Middlesbrough v Tottenham
Sunderland v Liverpool
West Ham v Wigan

Posted by: Lex

It's tough in London on £60k a week...

It really is tough getting by in London. Congestion charges, Oyster cards, stuffy tubes, angry taxi drivers. And don't even start on the house prices. Because professional footballer Jonathan Woodgate already has. The poor boy still hasn't found a house since moving to Spurs from Middlesbrough.

'I'm still living in a hotel. We need to find a place to live. We've seen apartments, we've seen houses and all the prices and it's a lot more expensive down here than it is up north. I think you could buy 10 penthouses up north for the price of something down here,' Woddgate told the Daily Mail. But he wasn't finished there,

'House prices are a joke, they are. It's unbelievable. When you are looking about and you see some of the houses, you think “What?”. But that's London and that's the way it is. Hopefully, I can find a house and get settled. You just want the right place for you and you want to get it at the right price. You don't want to end up getting ripped off in any way, do you? 'It's expensive for everyone, isn't it? You don't want to be blowing stupid money on a house.'

Indeed Jonathan. Our sympathies go out to you if it turns out you have to sell your ten penthouse flats on Teeside to buy one in London. Oh the woe...

Posted by: Lex

More on field scraps at Old Trafford, an absent Al Bangura, Alan Pardew's height and Kevin Blackwell in a chopper...

Liverpool v Barnsley
Where Anfield, 15.00
What you hope to see A rollicking good cup tie, with 14th in the Championship Barnsley displaying the ‘spirit of Havant’ and pegging back the mighty Reds.
What you’re likely to get The dullest tie of the round, with a deflected Gerrard strike and an ugly Crouch header settling the game after 20 minutes.
Fact! Steven Gerrard is a freeman of the Borough of Knowsley.

Man Utd v Arsenal
Where Old Trafford, 17.15
What you hope to see Let’s not beat around the bush here, we’d all love to see another good scrap circa 2004. Only with Phillipe Senderos as Martin Keown and Ronaldo as Ruud van Nistelrooy.
What you’re likely to get Garth Crooks bamboozling Arsene Wenger with incomprehensible non-questions before and after the match. How is this man still in a job?
Fact! Pizza will not be served at the after-match buffet.

Charlton v Watford
Where The Valley, 15.00
What you hope to see John-Joe O’Toole to score on his return for Watford and then revealing that he was invented by Enid Blyton to be a character in the Famous Five.
What you’re likely to get Al Bangura not playing any part for Watford. Again.
Fact! Alan Pardew is 5ft 11in.

Sheff Utd v Middlesbrough
Where Bramall Lane, Sunday, 14.00
What you hope to see Kevin Blackwell to arrive at Bramall Lane in a helicopter.
What you’re likely to get A subdued Bramall Lane wondering how replacing one clueless dullard with another is ever going to work.
Fact! In the event of a bear attack, a recording of Bryan Robson’s voice will send it to sleep and render it harmless.

Posted by: Lex

It's the inaugral Flapometer!

(Until we come up with a better name anyway...)

Yes, it's one of those 'winners and losers of the week' things you see in the free papers...

Top Cats...

Gary McAllister
Gary Mac is back in the big time after five years out of the game. Well, we say big time, we mean League One. But charged with the task of getting Leeds back to the big time. His brief but impressive managerial record so far suggests Leeds have got a fair chance under him, and the fans are not exactly inconsolable over the departure of the growling little one.

Derby
We’re a bunch of softies here at Catflap. And they need a little cheering up over there. Which is why we’ve put them in, after a sterling effort to get a draw at home to high-flying Man City, infront of their new owner, a former wrestler. Sadly, not even Hulk Hogan would save them now.

Ronaldo
We get the feeling he may well feature in this weekly barometer rather too much. But when he scores a free-kick that is quite literally as Catflap as they come, we can hardly leave him out this week can we?

Harry Redknapp
Finally got his man for £12m. When he realises a night in Portsmouth is best spent in the house, Jermain Defoe could thrive under Redknapp and become the final piece to the Portsmouth puzzle, allowing them to really push on into Europe.

Jeremie Aliadiere
While only around 600 spectators witnessed it, Aliadiere actually scored a goal, with the winning strike against Wigan in midweek. Good timing too, with the arrival of £12m striker Alfonso Alves. That should add another 350 to the average Boro gate then.

In a Flap...

Gary Megson
There’s not much you can do when you’re forced to sell your one world class player for £12m. But buying a quality replacement who’ll guarantee the vital goals to keep you up would be a start. So who does the Ginger Mourinho sign to fill a Nicolas Anelka-shaped hole? Grzegorz Rasiak. On loan from Southampton. That’s ‘eight Premier League appearances, no goals’ Grzegorz Rasiak.

Pascal Chimbonda
"Kevin Keegan has approached me and they've offered me more money. I am definitely leaving Spurs. It's all about the money. I don't care about the final, I don't care about the cup." Chimbonda is still at Spurs. Presumably he won’t be wanting to play in that cup final then.

Liverpool
The world is getting bored, very bored, with the whole Liverpool thing. Yes, Rafa being sacked would be slightly harsh, but if that’s what it takes for this whole charade to end, then for God’s sake get the American axe out. After a week which included re-financing, a last minute loss on the pitch and now some ridiculous pipe dream about fans owning the club, all we ask is that it ends. Please.

Kevin Keegan
“He’ll bring back the entertainers!” they all proclaimed in their incomprehensible Geordie drawl. Result: three games, no wins, no goals. “He’ll attract the big names back to the club!” they insisted. Result: Keegan signs a 17-year-old Italian that nobody’s heard of. “He’ll grab the club by the scruff of the neck and sort it out!” Result: The chairman goes over his head to bring in Dennis Wise. Looking good Kev.

Roy Hodgson
Roy: January 6th: "What you don't want is to bring in players on a short-term basis. We need players good enough not only to help us stay in this league but to assist us in building an even stronger team next season. What we don't want to be doing is signing people who are just going to make our list of players longer." Roy’s transfer window signings were Jari Litmanen (36), Toni Kallio (29), Paul Stalteri (30). Clearly all long-term players there then Roy...

Posted by: Lex

Naked Sven, Ronaldo misery, Lee Trundle's innappropriate showboating and Kevin Keegan. Again...

Manchester City v Arsenal
Where City of Manchester Stadium, 12.45
What you hope to see A Daniel Sturridge hat trick completed in the last minute with an audacious strike to win 3-2. Prompting Sven to rip his shirt off, throw it in the crowd and boom out ‘Blue Moon’ over the PA system.
What you’re likely to get A Daniel Sturridge hat trick completed in the last minute with an audacious strike to win 3-2. Prompting Sven to smile. Just.
Watch out for Joe Hart furiously stamping on any balloon within a three-mile radius of Eastlands.
Fact! Daniel Sturridge is the nephew of former Derby County forward Dean Sturridge.

Tottenham v Man Utd
Where White Hart Lane, 15.00
What you hope to see Ronaldo’s smug grin wiped off his face as he misses two open goals, a penalty and gets sent off. For winking.
What you’re likely to get Two United goals in the first 20 minutes. Both from Ronaldo. One a ridiculous free-kick. And then a smug celebration.
Watch out for Pascal Chimbonda lapping up the Spurs’ fans adulation after his frank assessment of his future at the club.
Fact! The north stand at White Hart Lane holds exactly 10,086 fans.

QPR v Bristol City
Where Loftus Road, 15.00
What you hope to see A rousing clash with top of the table Bristol City hoping to prove the country they’re more than a one season wonder with a manager who always talks about getting his arse out in shop windows.
What you’re likely to get Lee Trundle appeasing his Soccer AM withdrawal symptoms by doing tricks and flicks in the centre circle with Bristol 1-0 up with minutes to go. Then losing the ball before a QPR equaliser...
Watch out for QPR fans waving tenners in the stands singing ‘We’re richer than you’. Then Bristol fans replying with a witty riposte involving the words “Oo” and “Ar”.
Fact! Lee Trundle is engaged to Atomic Kitten’s Liz McClarnon.

Swansea v Oldham
Where Liberty Stadium, 14.00
What you hope to see A full-to-the-brim Liberty Stadium cheering on their top-of-the-table side, with new loan signing Febian Brandy showing exactly why he’s rated so highly at Man Utd.
What you’re likely to get Latics defender Neal ‘no-nonsense’ Trotman to go through Brandy after three minutes.
Watch out for Swansea mascot Cyril the Swan lashing out at fellow humans dressed in fury animal suits.
Fact! Cyril the Swan married Cybil the Swan at the final league game at the Vetch Field in 2005.

Newcastle v Middlesbrough
Where St. James’ Park, Sunday, 13.30
What you hope to see Dreary game postponed after 15 minutes after high winds cause all the ‘comedy’ curly wigs and paper crowns to fly off the heads of those wacky Geordies and cover the pitch. Just to show that the situation on Tyneside can, contrary to current belief, become even more bizarre.
What you’re likely to get A typical fiery Tyne-Tees derby. Also know in the game as dirge.
Watch out for Constant camera cuts to Dennis Wise in the stands, looking slightly confused and bored.
Fact! Kevin Keegan no longer has a black perm.

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Posted by: Lex

Jonathan Woodgate who has played just 16 times for Middlesbrough this season is in talks with Newcastle after their £7m bid for the defender was accepted by Middlesbrough.

Woodgate left Newcastle in 2004 to join Real Madrid, looks set for a return to the club having reportedly turned down a move to Tottenham.

Woodgate joined his hometown club Middlesbrough for £7m from Real Madrid last summer.

Boro need not worry about his departure too much as they do have players competing for places in defence, such as with David Wheater, Robert Huth, Emanuel Pogatetz and Matthew Bates.

Middlesbrough take on Mansfield today in the FA cup but Woodgate, 28, was not included in Middlesbrough's squad.

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(or don't, whatever)

Posted by: Crouchy

The best and worst January signings since the Premier League had double glazing installed...

Since it was introduced a few years ago, the January transfer window has resulted in several brilliant pieces of business for some managers. Christophe Dugarry kept Steve Bruce's Birmingham in the Premier League in 2003, while David Unsworth did the same for Wigan last season at the expense of the side he left on a free. At the same time, it's also provided some of the most shocking transfer decisions ever made by top flight bosses. Have a gander.

The Good

Christophe Dugarry, Bordeaux to Birmingham 2003, Loan
Mikel Arteta, Real Sociedad to Everton 2005, £2m
Nemanja Vidic, Spartak Moscow to Man Utd 2006, £7m
David Unsworth, Sheffield United to Wigan 2007, Free

The Bad

Georgios Samaras, Heerenveen to Manchester City 2006, £6m
Michael Ricketts, Bolton to Middlesbrough 2003, £3.5m
James Beattie, Southampton to Everton 2005, £6m
Fernando Morientes, Real Madrid to Liverpool 2005, £6m

And the hideously ugly

Jean-Alain Boumsong, Rangers to Newcastle 2005, £8m

Posted by: Catflap Magazine