The Catflap Magazine Football Blog

 

 Thursday, July 10, 2008


Jeff showed off his evening meal...


Watching Newcastle at home or drinking heavily in a toilet? It's a tough one...


A story we saw today from our friends in the north at the Evening Chronicle...

A Toon fan who sneaked a bottle of vodka into St James’s Park and was found clutching it in the toilets has been banned for three years. Gary Faill was discovered sobbing in the urinals of the stadium during the Magpies’ match against Reading in April.

Debbie Breen, prosecuting, said: "The defendant was found in the male toilets of the football ground. He was drunk, crying and clutching the remains of a bottle of vodka."


As well as being nothing short of hilarious, does anyone else think this is slightly harsh? Now, of course, we're not condoning breaking the law at football stadiums, or alcohol abuse for that matter (really?), but you can't begrudge a Newcastle fan having a little tipple to help them through the 90 minutes. Especially after Keegan's much celebrated yet largely unssuccessful return last season.

And now poor Gary is banned from going to any game in England and Wales, as well as city centres where his beloved Newcastle are playing. Even his solicitor stated that the Magpies were the “only love in life”. A sad tale indeed...

Yet the authorities are going to have a task on their hands this season if this is deemed a precedent. What about old men who bring along their hip flasks for a half-time swig of Jack? Will they be punished? Newcastle's average gate is around the 50k mark every game. If the officials plan to ban every Newcastle fan who is a little inebriated, we estimate there'll be around 35 left. And there's no missing "k" there either. So what next? Banning every obese Geordie with their top off?

Actually, that might not be a bad thing...

Posted by: Lex

posted on Thursday, July 10, 2008 5:31:12 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]
 Monday, June 16, 2008

Hull City: The entertainers...

It's the big one: Hull v Fulham...


Premier League first day fixtures - Saturday, 16 August
Arsenal v West Brom
Aston Villa v Man City
Bolton v Stoke
Chelsea v Portsmouth
Everton v Blackburn
Hull v Fulham
Man Utd v Newcastle
Middlesbrough v Tottenham
Sunderland v Liverpool
West Ham v Wigan

Posted by: Lex

posted on Monday, June 16, 2008 8:50:59 AM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]
 Friday, February 29, 2008

Which one will it be? Keegan's future depends on it...


One man to save his job, another to lose it...

If Les Dennis was to ask a random football fan in the street to give him one indesputable fact, 99 out of 100 people would respond with "Newcastle are rubbish". That one other person would simply ask why Les is bothering him in the street, since he no longer presents Family Fortunes anyway.

But before we descend into the merits of having Les back on primetime television ahead of that buffoon that goes by the name of Vernon Kay, let us advise you on a good bet for this weekend involving the aforementioned 'Toon Army'. Their home tie against Blackburn is not the type of game a team needs when it is low on confidence and struggling to get a first win under a new manager. And we reckon the outcome of the game will all come down to the first goal. They're great if they have an early lead to shout about, but go a goal behind, and St James' is not a fun place to be a home player.

So we've got two bets to lump on this weekend,

If Newcastle are to have a good day, Michael Owen will score first @ 5-1 and they'll go on to get their first win under the Geordie Messiah.

But if Newcastle fall behind early on, Benni McCarthy is likely to be the man to inflict the initial pain @ 11-2, before St. James' Park empties quicker than an old man's bladder.

Of course there are 20 other players who could score at the weekend, but we love a bit of melodramatic man v man action here at Catflap. Er, not like that...

Which one do you fancy? Take your pick here

Posted by: Lex

posted on Friday, February 29, 2008 2:23:13 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]
 Friday, February 01, 2008

It's the inaugral Flapometer!

(Until we come up with a better name anyway...)


Back in the day when Asics were cool...

Yes, it's one of those 'winners and losers of the week' things you see in the free papers...


Top Cats...

Gary McAllister
Gary Mac is back in the big time after five years out of the game. Well, we say big time, we mean League One. But charged with the task of getting Leeds back to the big time. His brief but impressive managerial record so far suggests Leeds have got a fair chance under him, and the fans are not exactly inconsolable over the departure of the growling little one.

Derby
We’re a bunch of softies here at Catflap. And they need a little cheering up over there. Which is why we’ve put them in, after a sterling effort to get a draw at home to high-flying Man City, infront of their new owner, a former wrestler. Sadly, not even Hulk Hogan would save them now.

Ronaldo
We get the feeling he may well feature in this weekly barometer rather too much. But when he scores a free-kick that is quite literally as Catflap as they come, we can hardly leave him out this week can we?

Harry Redknapp

Finally got his man for £12m. When he realises a night in Portsmouth is best spent in the house, Jermain Defoe could thrive under Redknapp and become the final piece to the Portsmouth puzzle, allowing them to really push on into Europe.

Jeremie Aliadiere
While only around 600 spectators witnessed it, Aliadiere actually scored a goal, with the winning strike against Wigan in midweek. Good timing too, with the arrival of £12m striker Alfonso Alves. That should add another 350 to the average Boro gate then.


In a Flap...

Gary Megson
There’s not much you can do when you’re forced to sell your one world class player for £12m. But buying a quality replacement who’ll guarantee the vital goals to keep you up would be a start. So who does the Ginger Mourinho sign to fill a Nicolas Anelka-shaped hole? Grzegorz Rasiak. On loan from Southampton. That’s ‘eight Premier League appearances, no goals’ Grzegorz Rasiak.

Pascal Chimbonda

"Kevin Keegan has approached me and they've offered me more money. I am definitely leaving Spurs. It's all about the money. I don't care about the final, I don't care about the cup." Chimbonda is still at Spurs. Presumably he won’t be wanting to play in that cup final then.


Hicks knew Rafa had lost it when he named himself upfront...

Liverpool
The world is getting bored, very bored, with the whole Liverpool thing. Yes, Rafa being sacked would be slightly harsh, but if that’s what it takes for this whole charade to end, then for God’s sake get the American axe out. After a week which included re-financing, a last minute loss on the pitch and now some ridiculous pipe dream about fans owning the club, all we ask is that it ends. Please.

Kevin Keegan
“He’ll bring back the entertainers!” they all proclaimed in their incomprehensible Geordie drawl. Result: three games, no wins, no goals. “He’ll attract the big names back to the club!” they insisted. Result: Keegan signs a 17-year-old Italian that nobody’s heard of. “He’ll grab the club by the scruff of the neck and sort it out!” Result: The chairman goes over his head to bring in Dennis Wise. Looking good Kev.

Roy Hodgson

Roy: January 6th: "What you don't want is to bring in players on a short-term basis. We need players good enough not only to help us stay in this league but to assist us in building an even stronger team next season. What we don't want to be doing is signing people who are just going to make our list of players longer." Roy’s transfer window signings were Jari Litmanen (36), Toni Kallio (29), Paul Stalteri (30). Clearly all long-term players there then Roy...

Posted by: Lex

posted on Friday, February 01, 2008 12:17:16 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]
 Thursday, January 31, 2008

Naked Sven, Ronaldo misery, Lee Trundle's innappropriate showboating and Kevin Keegan. Again...


"Is Chamberlain watching?"

Manchester City v Arsenal
Where
City of Manchester Stadium, 12.45
What you hope to see A Daniel Sturridge hat trick completed in the last minute with an audacious strike to win 3-2. Prompting Sven to rip his shirt off, throw it in the crowd and boom out ‘Blue Moon’ over the PA system.
What you’re likely to get A Daniel Sturridge hat trick completed in the last minute with an audacious strike to win 3-2. Prompting Sven to smile. Just.
Watch out for Joe Hart furiously stamping on any balloon within a three-mile radius of Eastlands.
Fact! Daniel Sturridge is the nephew of former Derby County forward Dean Sturridge.

Tottenham v Man Utd
Where
White Hart Lane, 15.00
What you hope to see Ronaldo’s smug grin wiped off his face as he misses two open goals, a penalty and gets sent off. For winking.
What you’re likely to get Two United goals in the first 20 minutes. Both from Ronaldo. One a ridiculous free-kick. And then a smug celebration.
Watch out for Pascal Chimbonda lapping up the Spurs’ fans adulation after his frank assessment of his future at the club.
Fact! The north stand at White Hart Lane holds exactly 10,086 fans.

QPR v Bristol City
Where Loftus Road, 15.00
What you hope to see A rousing clash with top of the table Bristol City hoping to prove the country they’re more than a one season wonder with a manager who always talks about getting his arse out in shop windows.
What you’re likely to get Lee Trundle appeasing his Soccer AM withdrawal symptoms by doing tricks and flicks in the centre circle with Bristol 1-0 up with minutes to go. Then losing the ball before a QPR equaliser...
Watch out for QPR fans waving tenners in the stands singing ‘We’re richer than you’. Then Bristol fans replying with a witty riposte involving the words “Oo” and “Ar”.
Fact! Lee Trundle is engaged to Atomic Kitten’s Liz McClarnon.

Swansea v Oldham
Where
Liberty Stadium, 14.00
What you hope to see A full-to-the-brim Liberty Stadium cheering on their top-of-the-table side, with new loan signing Febian Brandy showing exactly why he’s rated so highly at Man Utd.
What you’re likely to get Latics defender Neal ‘no-nonsense’ Trotman to go through Brandy after three minutes.
Watch out for Swansea mascot Cyril the Swan lashing out at fellow humans dressed in fury animal suits.
Fact! Cyril the Swan married Cybil the Swan at the final league game at the Vetch Field in 2005.

Newcastle v Middlesbrough
Where St. James’ Park, Sunday, 13.30
What you hope to see Dreary game postponed after 15 minutes after high winds cause all the ‘comedy’ curly wigs and paper crowns to fly off the heads of those wacky Geordies and cover the pitch. Just to show that the situation on Tyneside can, contrary to current belief, become even more bizarre.
What you’re likely to get A typical fiery Tyne-Tees derby. Also know in the game as dirge.
Watch out for Constant camera cuts to Dennis Wise in the stands, looking slightly confused and bored.
Fact! Kevin Keegan no longer has a black perm.

Read CATFLAP our FREE Football Magazine http://ezine.catflapmag.com

Posted by: Lex

posted on Thursday, January 31, 2008 5:46:53 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]
 Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Newcastle unveil their new management team...


"What the hell is Executive Director Kev?" "No idea Den, just smile..."

Good luck to both Kevin and Dennis. They're going to need it...

Posted by: Lex

posted on Tuesday, January 29, 2008 1:07:46 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]
 Saturday, January 26, 2008

Replaced as the official ball to the premier League in 2000, with Nike claiming the ball was 'Rounder', as well as faster and more responsive off the player’s foot. Almost immediately, it made headlines for it's alleged unpredictability and erratic swerve, with 'keepers all over the country complaining that it was making them look silly. Any Excuse...

 

Best remebered for:

Because of the randomness the ball’s flight, there were a few crackers swerving in from all over the pitch. But Dennis Bergkamp's world-class turn and finish against Newcastle owed nothing to luck, and rightly won Goal of the Season...

 


Dennis Bergkamp fantastic goal Arsenal vs. Newcastle 2002


Posted by: Rik

posted on Saturday, January 26, 2008 11:17:36 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]
Jonathan Woodgate who has played just 16 times for Middlesbrough this season is in talks with Newcastle after their £7m bid for the defender was accepted by Middlesbrough.

Woodgate left Newcastle in 2004 to join Real Madrid, looks set for a return to the club having reportedly turned down a move to Tottenham.

Woodgate joined his hometown club Middlesbrough for £7m from Real Madrid last summer.

Boro need not worry about his departure too much as they do have players competing for places in defence, such as with David Wheater, Robert Huth, Emanuel Pogatetz and Matthew Bates.

Middlesbrough take on Mansfield today in the FA cup but Woodgate, 28, was not included in Middlesbrough's squad.



Read CATFLAP our FREE Football Magazine http://ezine.catflapmag.com
(or don't, whatever)

Posted by: Crouchy

posted on Saturday, January 26, 2008 4:21:09 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]
 Friday, January 25, 2008



Read our FREE Football Magazine http://ezine.catflapmag.com
(or don't, no dramas)

Posted by: Crouchy

posted on Friday, January 25, 2008 3:03:40 AM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]

 

 

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