Harry looking dapper, Jimmy singing Land Of My Fathers, David Nugent actually scoring...

Where: Wembley, Saturday, 15.00
What you hope to see: Dave Jones smiling, Harry looking dapper in his Cup Final suit, Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink belting out the Welsh national anthem, and above all, a right rollicking Cup Final.
What you’re likely to get: Peter Ridsdale tryng to hog the limelight, the BBC rolling out C-list celebrity fans of each team, David Nugent and Milan Baros playing like pub players and still nabbing a goal.
Fact! Pompey fan John Westwood famously changed his name to Portsmouth Football Club. But people refer to him by his nickname, Pillock.

Posted by: Lex

James McFadden's beard, Lineker narrating, the Likely Lads, and Mark Hughes as a boring priest...

Where: St. Andrews, Saturday, 15:00
What you hope to see: James McFadden tripping over his own beard when through on goal. The scruffy swine.
What you’re likely to get: That really lame split coverage thing Match of the Day always do on the last game of the season, narrated by Gary Lineker, as if one of those I Love 1980s shows. As if people don’t already know the outcome. We don't live in an episode of The Likely Lads. And Adrian Chiles having the weekend off. The chubby swine.
Fact! Mark Hughes provided the voice for the boring priest in several episodes of Father Ted.

Posted by: Lex

Emile Heskey, timemachines, stopwatches and bludgeoning Steve Bennett...

Where: The JJB Stadium, Saturday, 15:00
What you hope to see: Emile Heskey scoring a late, late, late equaliser. So late in fact that it gives Sir Alex time to go back to 1996 and get his stopwatch. If only to time how long it takes him to murder Steve Bennett using only a corkscrew.
What you’re likely to get: Steve Bruce insisting that his side will pose a challenge for Man Utd. Then Ronaldo scoring two in the first 15 minutes to seal the title. And Steve Bruce celebrating each goal. And then spending the evening getting sozzled on Sir Alex’s wine.
Fact! Sir Alex Ferguson likes his wine.

Posted by: Lex

Gary Johnson's ample backside, Neil Warnock's foul mouth, and acorn winkles...

Where: Selhurst Park, Saturday, 12.15
What you hope to see: Liam Fontaine scoring again for Bristol City and this time insisting that Gary Johnson honour the forfeit and bare his ample backside.
What you're likely to get: Me spending the weekend wondering why I really want to see Gary Johnson's ample backside. And Neil Warnock shouting obscenities at the ref. Obviously.
Fact! A certain anagram of Neil Warnock's name really winds him up. I'm not entirely sure, but I reckon it must be acorn winkle.

Posted by: Lex

Where: Bramall Lane, Saturday, 15:00
What you hope to see: James Beattie celebrating his 22nd goal of the season by devouring a large doner kebab, specially couriered in by helicopter by his old mucker Craig David from his favourite Southampton takeaway.
What you’re likely to get: Dean Windass celebrating his 11th goal of the season by devouring James Beattie.
Fact: Hull only have six non-English men in their squad with two Welshmen, an Irishman, an Aussie, a Norwegian and a Nigerian. Sound likes the start of a long and probably very unfunny joke.

Posted by: Lex

Another Zimbabwe Presidential candidate, another big Phil no show, disliking journalists, and Harry's canyons...

Where: City of Manchester Stadium, Sunday, 16:00
What you hope to see: Benjani entertaining both sets of supporters before the game by doing his trademark three-point celebration on the centre spot. It will also signal Benjani’s plans to run for Zimbabwean president.  
What you’re like to get: Journalists asking Sven about his imminent axing in favour of Phil Scolari. Only for Sven to remind everyone that it couldn't possibly happen, as big Phil doesn't like England. In particular the journalists.
Fact!: It is is 277 miles long, ranges in width from 4 to 18 miles and attains a depth of more than a mile. It's thought to have been formed over a period of 17 million years. No, not the Grand Canyon, but one of the bags under 'Arry Redknapp's eyes...

Posted by: Lex

Benitez floors berk mascot. Crowd rejoices...

Tickling facial hair, Yanks, assaulting mascots, Roy Hodgson, more Yanks...

Where: Craven Cottage, Saturday, 15:00
What you hope to see: Wacky mascot Billy the Badger up to his old antics again, this time giving Rafa Benitez a cheeky tickle on his goatee. Then Rafa smacking him square on the jaw.
What you’re likely to get: Liverpool rotating their entire squad with household name Nabil El Zhar popping up with the winner. Roy Hodgson then insisting his side can stay up, when there's more chance of Liverpool becoming interesting again...
Fact!: Fulham are slowly trying to buy a whole team of American players with Mohammed Al-Fayed planning to move them to the States and change the name to West London White Soccer Star to play in the MLS. True Story.

Posted by: Lex

Mid-90's dance music, Simon Royce on his high-horse, and Brian Moore's beautiful cranium...

Where: Priestfield, 15.00
What you hope to see: Dance music trio Dario G making a comeback before the game to inspire the Crewe players for this high-pressure League One relegation clash. Only they’ve changed their name to Stevie H...
What you’re likely to get: A fuming Simon Royce shouting “I used to play for Charlton you know” after the third goal flies in…
Fact! Gillingham’s online fanzine has the best name in the English League, Brian Moore’s Head Looks Uncannily Like London Planetarium.

Posted by: Lex

Posted by: Lex

Seagulls, tangerines in space, climbing Blackpool Tower and scary women in fancy dress

Where: Bloomfield Road, 12.30
What you hope to see: Every single one of the nine thousand Blackpool fans proudly adorning a tangerine kit. Meaning that Bloomfield Road becomes the first stadium to be seen from space.
What you’re likely to get: Cheeky scamps unwilling to pay for a match ticket climbing to the top of the tower to see the game. Only to find that it’s actually more expensive to do so.
Fact! Seagulls are no longer Blackpool’s biggest pest. They were overtaken in 2006 by rowdy women on Hen Parties.

Posted by: Lex

Clipped eyebrows, Herman, and "magnifique, Hooky Street"

Where: Old Trafford, 12.45
What you hope to see: Ronaldo refusing to turn up or be seen in public because his six-year old nephew shaved his eyebrows off in his sleep.
What you’re likely to get: Herman Hreidarsson. That’s it really, we just hadn’t laughed at his name in a while.
Fact! Harry Redknapp has never seen Only Fools and Horses.

Posted by: Lex

Tiny sheds, major sulks, and Northern pigeons...

Where: Oakwell, 17.30
What you hope to see: Avram Grant forced to do his teamtalk from a tiny Wickes shed.
What you’re likely to get: Nicolas Anelka and Didier Drogba in a 90-minute sulk-off, with the winner the one who can insult the ref, dive and throw a strop the most during the game.
Fact! 99% of Barnsley fans own a pigeon.

Posted by: Lex

Hairpieces, roly-ploy throw-ins and Grumpy Old Men...

Where: Ewood Park, 15.00
What you hope to see: A Jimmy Bullard comedy masterclass, featuring roly-poly throw-ins, wisecracks with the fans, winks at the camera, and hugs with the ref.
What you’re likely to get: Fulham are thumped, later relegated, Hodsgon is sacked, and is then confirmed as a regular in the new series of BBC's Grumpy Old Men.
Fact! Jimmy Bullard is a member of the national hairpiece alliance along with Terry Wogan and Bruce Forsyth.

Posted by: Lex

Newcastle v Manchester United
Where St James’ Park, 15.00
What you hope to see Fergie/Keegan mind games ala 1996
What you’re likely to get Fergie struggling to keep a straight face at what’s become of his old foe…
Fact! When angry, Alex Ferguson is a shade of red one below the surface of the Sun.

Wigan v Derby County
Where JJB Stadium, 15.00
What you hope to see Postponement
What you’re likely to get The Premier League record for lowest ever attendance to be shattered. Not that you could really blame anyone involve. We think we’d prefer to watch live squash.
Fact! Paul Jewell is an official Weeble, and will never fall over no matter how hard you push him.

Barnet v MK Dons
Where Underhill Stadium, 15.00
What you hope to see Paul Ince only putting his matchday suit on once he’s out the tunnel.
What you’re likely to get Kevin Gallen defying the fact that he’s been around for 40 years to grab couple for the Dons.
Fact! Paul Ince blinks 274 times a minute.

Chelsea v Tottenham
Where Wembley, 15.00
What you hope to see The players and managers might not like it, and the fans on the day will find it excruciating, but let’s be honest, for the neutral, penalties are mint.
What you’re likely to get We don’t know about the match, but the tubes will be chocker…
Fact! No one outside London cares…

Posted by: Lex

More on field scraps at Old Trafford, an absent Al Bangura, Alan Pardew's height and Kevin Blackwell in a chopper...

Liverpool v Barnsley
Where Anfield, 15.00
What you hope to see A rollicking good cup tie, with 14th in the Championship Barnsley displaying the ‘spirit of Havant’ and pegging back the mighty Reds.
What you’re likely to get The dullest tie of the round, with a deflected Gerrard strike and an ugly Crouch header settling the game after 20 minutes.
Fact! Steven Gerrard is a freeman of the Borough of Knowsley.

Man Utd v Arsenal
Where Old Trafford, 17.15
What you hope to see Let’s not beat around the bush here, we’d all love to see another good scrap circa 2004. Only with Phillipe Senderos as Martin Keown and Ronaldo as Ruud van Nistelrooy.
What you’re likely to get Garth Crooks bamboozling Arsene Wenger with incomprehensible non-questions before and after the match. How is this man still in a job?
Fact! Pizza will not be served at the after-match buffet.

Charlton v Watford
Where The Valley, 15.00
What you hope to see John-Joe O’Toole to score on his return for Watford and then revealing that he was invented by Enid Blyton to be a character in the Famous Five.
What you’re likely to get Al Bangura not playing any part for Watford. Again.
Fact! Alan Pardew is 5ft 11in.

Sheff Utd v Middlesbrough
Where Bramall Lane, Sunday, 14.00
What you hope to see Kevin Blackwell to arrive at Bramall Lane in a helicopter.
What you’re likely to get A subdued Bramall Lane wondering how replacing one clueless dullard with another is ever going to work.
Fact! In the event of a bear attack, a recording of Bryan Robson’s voice will send it to sleep and render it harmless.

Posted by: Lex

Jermain Defoe's primary school, wacky Holloway, respectful silence and shaving beards...

Bolton v Portsmouth
Where Reebok Stadium, Saturday 15.00
What you hope to see Jermain Defoe terrorising Bolton’s frail defence and Grzegorz Rasiak proving that he can cut it as Anelka’s replacement.
What you’re likely to get Harry Redknapp harping on in the post-match interview about Defoe’s England prospects. And Gary Megson telling Bolton fans to be patient with Rasiak.
Watch out for Matt Taylor spanking in a 35-yard last minute equaliser against his former side, then doing that lame thing of not celebrating ‘out of respect.’
Fact! Jermain Defoe attended St Joachim Junior School

Leicester v Plymouth
Where Walkers Stadium, Saturday 15.00
What you hope to see Ian Holloway taking all the flak from bitter Plymouth fans on the chin, sitting in the dugout and quietly going about his business.
What you’re likely to get Holloway to laugh off the stick in his wacky manner, then give some well-rehearsed soundbite after the game.
Watch out for Ollie denying that he is to blame for several of Plymouth’s players leaving the club.
Fact! Barry Hayles, signed from Plymouth, will line-up for Leicester on Saturday.

Manchester United v Manchester City
Where Old Trafford, Sunday 13.30
What you hope to see hear Silence.
What you’re likely to get Four or five idiots who’ll turn up determined to generate some attention, giving the thousands of City fans who’ll respect the tributes a bad name.
Watch out for All players will wear commemorative kits with no sponsors and plain black boots. Shame it’s taken such a sombre occasion for them to finally see sense.
Fact: News of the World journalist Frank Swift, who also died in the Munich crash, was a former Manchester City goalkeeper.

Chelsea v Liverpool
Where Stamford Bridge, Sunday 16.00
What you hope to see Avram Grant look happy. Just for once. Come on…
What you’re likely to get Avram Grant remaining miserably pragmatic as ever as his side continue their sneaky march towards the Premier League title with a comfortable win.
Watch out for Rafa Benitez stroke his goatee manically. The more he strokes, the more he’s worried. Our theory? He should just shave it. It’s all gone downhill since the face-rodent appeared.
Fact! Benitez is actually Rafa’s middle name. His actual surname is Maudes.

African Cup of Nations Final
Where Ohene Djan Stadium, Ghana, Sunday 17.00
What you hope to see Someone finally deciding what the name of this tournament actually is. African Nations Cup? Africa Cup of Nations? Anyone?
What you’re likely to get Stan Collymore on Eurosport mentioning an African team winning the World Cup ‘before long.’
Watch out for The winner of the tournament not actually qualifying for the next World Cup.
Fact! The average attendance at the African Cup of Nations has been 19,071.

Posted by: Lex