#5. Jeff deals with an on field fan...

Q: After scoring a last minute winner, the goalscrorer runs into the corner and pulls down his shorts, revealing "I Love Jeff Winter" y-fronts. He's already been booked. What action do you take?

Jeff: "My worst nightmare. Not sure if your eyesight was correct though, could it have been that the player had accidentally put on a pair of his sexy WAG's flimsies. They may well have had the said inscription on them. I think in these circumstances perhaps I should turn a blind eye as it would not be good if it came out that whilst the player was away for his team and country, I was busy "booking" his sweetheart.

See You Are The Jeff in Catflap Magazine.

Posted by: Lex

#4. Jeff and Lee go out for a meal...

Q: In the Upton Park bar after the game Lee Bowyer - who you sent off - approaches you and offers to buy you a candlelit dinner for two to make up for his misdemeanours. You accept and he's charming all evening, but in the taxi on the way home he invites you in for a coffee. What should you do?

Jeff: "Let's look at it another way. He says "What are you doing tonight?". Being alone in London I would be up for a night out and I am sure that it would be lively, so I would go along for the ride. I am sure that with his fame and my good looks and charm we would probably either pull and then take the lucky ladies back to his place or my hotel for some extra time or alternatively end up in a fight somewhere and have coffee at the local "nick" or Accident and Emergency..."

See You Are The Jeff every week in Catflap Magazine.

Posted by: Lex

#3. Jeff finds Sir Alex's raffle ticket...

Q: At the PFA Player of the Year awards, you see Alex Ferguson drop his raffle ticket and then pick it up without telling him. Later that evening the ticket wins the top prize of an all expenses paid fortnight in Mustique. Do you own up or pack your suitcase?

Jeff: "I am sorry but I will not be around for the next two weeks to do this column. You are never going to believe it, I gatecrashed the PFA dinner this year and guess what, I only went and won the first of a fortnight's expenses-paid holiday in Mustique. I bumped into sir Alex whilst I was there, he called me a jammy bastard, or I think he said that, I couldn't really understand him. Anyway, b******s to him, I'm off to Mustique. Best thing is I didn't even buy the ticket!"

See You Are The Jeff every week in Catflap Magazine.

Posted by: Lex

#2. Jeff catches FIFA honcho up to no good in a cupboard...

Q: At the FIFA Christmas Party you catch Sepp Blatter in flagrante with a secretary in the stationary cupboard. Knowing he has the power to appoint the officials for the World Cup Final, do you use the knowledge to your advantage.

Jeff: "Obviously the sight of Sepp performing would rule out joining in, so I think I would pull out my notebook and take their names, quickly introduce video technology and then suggest to Sepp that I would make an ideal World Cup Final referee. Should that appointment not be forthcoming then perhaps YouTube and Mrs Blatter would get the benefit of an action replay."

See You Are The Jeff every week in Catflap Magazine.

Posted by: Lex

#1 Breaking wind while meeting the Queen.

Former Premier League ref Jeff Winter answers our questions in our brand new feature...

Posted by: Lex