Just in case you'd forgotten...

Questions to ask yourself while watching this video:

1. Why has Steve McClaren forgotten about his grammar?
2. Why is Steve McClaren speaking in a different accent?
3. Why does Steve McClaren sound like a cross between Martin Jol and a character from Allo Allo?
4. Why is Steve McClaren talking this way when the interviewer's English is perfect?
5. How did this man ever become England manager?
6. How did this man ever become England manager?
7. How did this man ever become England manager?
8. How did this man ever become England manager?

Posted by: Lex

Jeff Stelling: Without doubt the best thing about Saturday afternoons...

A Hartlepool fan didn't you know?

Posted by: Lex

Answers on a postcard for this celebration...

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Because you never need an excuse for a beach party...

Posted by: Lex

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San Jose's new striker is an 'England Legend' apparently...

Beckham is clearly educating the masses out there...

Posted by: Lex

Posted by: Lex

He's ditched the gowns, and donned Pool's Euro number...

It seems we're the unofficial Steven Gerrard fashion blog today, as adidas got in touch with us to reveal Liverpool's spanking new European kit for the new season. And who is it resplendent in green? Why Steven Gerrard of course, the man who only hours ago was wearing a lovely gown to recieve his honourary degree. What a guy.

Liverpool's new kit goes on sale Aug 14th. Visit www.adidas.com/liverpoolfc for more information or call 0870 240 4204.

Posted by: Lex

Proof that Emos should stick to My Chemical Romance...

Oh, and apologies for the headline...

Posted by: Lex

And who says they give them to anyone these days?

Look at him. Doesn't he look so smart, his parents must be so proud. For little Stevie has been given an honourary fellowship from Liverpool John Moores University for his contribution to sport. But before he starts feeling too smug about his new qualification, it might be worth telling him that even full time buffoon Sepp Blatter has an Honorary Doctrate of Science from De Montfort University in Leicester, and Italian referee Pierluigi Collina is a Doctor of Sport Science at Hull University. And if those aren't the two most random facts you'll read all day then we'd love to know what is.

Anyway, because we don't often miss a chance to rehash old material, here is our somewhat overly attack-minded Catflap Honorary Degree XI from issue something or other...

Goalkeeper
Bob Wilson
Loughborough University

Defence
Lucas Radebe
Cape Town University

Trevor Brooking
University of Essex

Billy McNeill
Glasgow University

Midfield
Matthew Le Tissier
Southampton Institute

George Best
Queen’s University Belfast

Denis Law
Aberdeen University

Brian Clough
University of Teeside

Forwards
Gary Lineker
University of Leicester

Henrik Larsson
University of Strathclyde

Alan Shearer
Northumbria University


Manager
Bobby Robson
Newcastle University

In the press box
John Motson
Doctor of Letters, University of Hertfordshire

Jeff Stelling
University of Teesside

See more Catflap XI's every week in Catflap Magazine...

Posted by: Lex

The Yank funnyman knows nothing about football.

A typical Chelsea fan then...

If you thought Will Ferrell's comedy was funny, then his taste in football teams is even funnier. Appearing on Jon Stewart's Daily Show, you know the programmee you sometimes catch yourself watching on More4, Ferrell was with fellow chuckle brother John C. Reilly to promote their new movie, Step Brothers. Which, if it's anything like their last film together, Talladega Nights, we know we'll be rushing out to see. And when we say "rushing", what we mean is we'd sooner watch a sex tape featuring David Mellor, Phil Taylor and Anne Widdicombe. With a Max Mosley cameo of course.

Anyway, bizarrely, Ferrell was wearing a Chelsea shirt on the show, though we're not quite shure why. What we do know is though, that with stonewash jeans and a damn fine beer gut, he wouldn't look too out of place on most British terraces.

Thanks to Unprofessional Foul for the screenshot. And to see some Will Ferrell stuff we do love, check out his spoof Old Spice adverts...

Posted by: Lex

John Bostock: when he was six years old...

A simpler time, back when tribunals and controversial transfers to Tottenham Hotspur didn't exist. Simon Jordan still had shit hair though. Obviously...

Posted by: Lex

When we say kiss, we mean sniff...

And when we say JT, we mean pop pillock Justin Timberlake, not John Terry...

Posted by: Lex

Belarus referee suspended for having a little too much

pre-match tea...

Posted by: Lex

They call him Samir Nasri. Because that's his name...

Here's Arsenal's new attacking starlet, no doubt set to take the Premier League by storm next season. So he'll be off to play in Serie A next summer then...

Posted by: Lex

Yet the authorities are going to have a task on their hands this season if this is deemed a precedent. What about old men who bring along their hip flasks for a half-time swig of Jack? Will they be punished? Newcastle's average gate is around the 50k mark every game. If the officials plan to ban every Newcastle fan who is a little inebriated, we estimate there'll be around 35 left. And there's no missing "k" there either. So what next? Banning every obese Geordie with their top off?

Actually, that might not be a bad thing...

Posted by: Lex

Steve Bruce denied that the JJB's pitch needed relaying...

Posted by: Lex

Not forgetting this guy of course...

Answers on a postcard...

Posted by: Lex

Big up to US Soccer on their big day...

We love those Yanks here at Catflap, we really do. Forget all that Bush nonsense, all this starting wars for oil rubbish, and as for the next president, we like them both (That's a lie, go Barack!). So to celebrate July 4th, we've decided to post this video of a man who has revolutionised 'soccer' in the US, a man who can strike a mean free kick, as he did wonderfully at a World Cup not too long ago. That's right, it's Eric Wynalda. No, that's not "Ronaldo" pronounced by Jonathan Ross, but the bloke who was simply brilliant on Championship Manager 1997. Happy Independence Day Eric...

Posted by: Lex

He's taking Sheree to Turkey!

So after five years keeping Liverpool's physio company, Harry's decided to pack his bags and head to the footballing hotbed of Turkey, after Galatasaray claimed this morning that the Aussie was set to sign a three-year deal with the Turkish champions. And why wouldn't he, look what it's done to Colin Kazim-Richards' career...

But that's not the only reason he's gone there obviously. For there's also partisan football crowds, £££££, world class players, £££££, an exciting league, £££££, and top class kebabs. In fact he's probably going over there to play for free. We're sure Sheree can't wait to see the sights of Istanbul, Europe's most populus city and the only metropolis situated on two continents. So before he leaves for pastors new, let us watch some of his highlights, as he joins Gazza and Alan Shearer in wondering just what could've been had he not rejected a raging red Scotsman...

Good luck Harry...

Posted by: Lex

Posted by: Lex

Just when you thought football kits couldn't get worse...

Posted by: Lex

#5. Jeff deals with an on field fan...

Q: After scoring a last minute winner, the goalscrorer runs into the corner and pulls down his shorts, revealing "I Love Jeff Winter" y-fronts. He's already been booked. What action do you take?

Jeff: "My worst nightmare. Not sure if your eyesight was correct though, could it have been that the player had accidentally put on a pair of his sexy WAG's flimsies. They may well have had the said inscription on them. I think in these circumstances perhaps I should turn a blind eye as it would not be good if it came out that whilst the player was away for his team and country, I was busy "booking" his sweetheart.

See You Are The Jeff in Catflap Magazine.

Posted by: Lex

We drive to Euro 2008, and back...

So here’s the story: The other day the chaps at Fiat gave us a call, inviting us to take part in their Bravo Challenge. It would involve taking one of their new Fiat Bravo’s, driving it anywhere we want, and bringing it back within 48 hours. And they’d give us £250 to spend on what we liked too. Well, we’re not likely to turn a chance like that down are we? So we leave this Friday, with our return date penciled in for Sunday. And our planned destination? Basle, Switzerland, in time for the Euro 2008 quarter final on Saturday. We say planned, because who knows where we’ll end up. Though if Fiat are reading, you have nothing to worry about…

Posted by: Lex

The greasy one is clearly a reader...

That's right, only hours after we publish a "make your mind up" plea on this week's front cover, Cristiano Ronaldo has done exactly that. According to the Sun, Ronaldo admitted that he wanted to join Madrid, only hours after Portugal were dumped out of the Euros by Germany (cough, cough, our tip to win...).

Here's what the gurning winger said:

“In the next few days there could be news. The possibilities of me going to Madrid are great but it does not depend on me. I know there is a concrete offer on the table, now let's see if we can reach a deal in the next days. Everyone knows what I want. I have many desires and in the next days they will become clear.”



Catflap: "Make your bloody mind up."
Ronaldo: "OK."
Catflap: "Er, well, can you leave it a week so our cover isn't out of date..."
Ronaldo: "No."
Catflap: "Bugger."

Click here to read this week's mag...

Posted by: Lex

Feeling brave? Then go for our Euro Quarters tip...

If you're up for a risky but potentially lucrative flutter this weekend, then look no further than the European Championship Quarter Finals. After the business of Germany v Portugal tonight, there are three games crying out to have a couple of quid on them. There's Croatia v Turkey, Holland v Russia and the corker we're all waiting for, Spain v Italy. If you stick a tenner on all the favourites (Croatia: evens, Holland: 5/6 and Spain 6/4) you'll come out with £91.67.

However, and here's the good stuff, if you fancy a triple upset, and all second favourites to win (Turkey: 4/1, Russia: 4/1 and Italy: 11/5), all you have to do is stick one of the golden nuggets we call a quid on it and you'll come away with £80. Fancy it? Then Lump On! here

Just don't come complaining when the inevitable happens, and the Dutch and Croatia win but Italy knock out the Spanish...

Posted by: Lex

Rafael van der Vaart makes his mark from the bench...

He's let one go, and he's called van der Vaart.
< Insert obvious puerile joke here >

Posted by: Lex

They don't hit 'em like this anymore...

Because it's not allowed...

Posted by: Lex

It's the big one: Hull v Fulham...

Premier League first day fixtures - Saturday, 16 August
Arsenal v West Brom
Aston Villa v Man City
Bolton v Stoke
Chelsea v Portsmouth
Everton v Blackburn
Hull v Fulham
Man Utd v Newcastle
Middlesbrough v Tottenham
Sunderland v Liverpool
West Ham v Wigan

Posted by: Lex

Friend of Catflap Chappers and his Euro 2008 podcasts...

If you fancy listening to Chappers without the disadvantage of having to listen to Scott Mills too, then his Euro 2008 podcast for the New Football Pools is just the ticket.

Every few days throughout the tournament Chappers and the team, including Graham Poll, Rob Lee and Phil Cornwell, bring you the latest round ups and reviews on the Euro Championships in Switzerland and Austria.

To listen to the podcasts, click here...

Posted by: Lex

Check out the strings on our bow, it's KO! Magazine...

More fun filled ezine frolics from us chaps here at Made Up Media, it's KO! Magazine - the King of Shaves ezine.

Mr. King himself, we get to call him Will, said this of his new ezine:
 
"We've designed KO! to complement the launch of our new King of Blades system razor. We were kicking around ideas how to tell the world about our new razor - one that 'shaves closer, lasts longer and costs less' - and didn't think a print ad or TV commercial would get across why we've developed it, what makes it different, and why it works.
 
So, our friends at Made Up Media said 'Let's produce an online magazine that talks about all things King including the new razor, but a lot more.' And in the process, dispel a few myths, right a few wrongs and tell a few jokes. Maybe some interviews (see my first one with Anna Fowler) and deliver to guys in the know something more than just a razor, but a bit of fun too."

So if you like the cut of Will's jib, or if you've spent the day caressing your face that has more cuts than a take with Will Mellor, then check out KO! to find out how to reduce shaving rash and the like. Or just to see Anna Fowler again...

Read the mag here...

Posted by: Lex

Ah, Zizou, how you will be missed...

Posted by: Lex

They love a good argument those Dutch...

Group C
Holland


Odds to win: 14/1
Previous best: Champions in 1988
Gaffer's pedigree: In a continuing theme about managers' hair, we notice that Marco’s gone for a military crew cut. Which has obviously offended Clarence Seedorf and Mark van Bommel, who have refused to play for him. Which is just so Dutch.
He might do alright: If Robin van Persie stays fit throughout, his left boot could well light up the tournament. Not literally, there are floodlights for that sort of thing.
How did he get in? Wigan’s Mario Melchiot, Blackburn’s Andre Ooijer, Chelsea’s Khalid Boulahrouz. And you wonder why we’ve tipped them to finish bottom.
Stick your money on: More feuds to split the camp. Seedorf and van Bommel may be gone, but there’s still Van Nistelrooy, and he loves a good verbal scrap.
Wag Watch: Rafael van der Vaart is not one for in-fighting. Probably because he comes home to his gorgeous wife Sylvie every night. The swine.
If they were a celeb: Dale Winton. Orange.
Obligatory translation feature: “Laat ons kalme beneden en spreek rationeel het door” (“Let’s calm down and talk it through rationally”)
Prediction: Bottom in their group following a stormy tournament.

Posted by: Lex

Revenge is on the cards...

World Cup winners up for the double...

Group C
Italy


Odds to win: 13/2
Previous best: Champions in 1968
Gaffer's pedigree: Roberto Donadoni is the coolest customer in the Euros, which makes up for his lack of managerial experience.
He might do alright: Fabio Quagliarella. Chappers told us he was half decent, and he should know. Assuming he watches Serie A and doesn’t simply gawp at Laura Esposto anyway.
How did he get in? Constant cry baby Antonio Cassano was this season suspended for five games for threatening to fight the ref. He also cried after being sent off for dissent. Liability is his middle name. Not very Italian is it?
Stick your money on: Luca Toni doing that weird hand thing when he scores. Is he phoning someone? Or just itching his head?
Wag Watch: The delectable TV presenter Alena Seredova keeps ‘keeper Gianluigi Buffon warm at night. See her here.
If they were a celeb: Gordon Ramsey. Use their hands way too much.
Obligatory translation feature: “Veramente gloriosaente decisione riferimento” (“Truly splendid decision referee”)
Prediction: They’ll top their group, but lose to France in the semis.

Posted by: Lex

Mutu's in with a sniff...

Group C
Romania


Odds to win: 40/1
Previous best: Quarter-finals in 2000
Gaffer's pedigree: They call him Victor Piturca, and he’s done well to take Romania to their first tournament in eight years. Though a spanking from the three big sides could see him gone.
He might do alright: Adrian Mutu. The chap we all remember over here for being Abramovich’s first Chelsea signing, only to be sacked for taking cocaine. He’s now a reformed character now apparently.
How did he get in? Baggies fans might remember Cosmin Contra, who they signed on loan from Athletico Madrid in 2004. He also spent three years at AC Milan, but only managed five appearances for West Brom.
Stick your money on: Romanian success being directly proportional to the amount of old Gheorghe Hagi clips we’ll be shown.   
Wag Watch: Mrs Mutu is one Consuelo Matos, who is, shock, horror, a model.    
If they were a celeb: Cilla Black. Might surprise a few people.
Obligatory translation feature: “Eşti tu elder acesta este chiar sherry” (“Are you sure it’s just sherbet?”)
Prediction: Third in the group of death.

Posted by: Lex

Group B
Austria


Odds to win: 100/1
Previous best: Never before qualified.
Gaffer's pedigree: His name is Josef Hickersberger. No we’ve not heard of him either. But to be fair at least he’s done what no other Austrian has done before, and got his side to qualify for the Euros. Admittedly they didn’t have to play a single game but take the positives, they are few others.
He might do alright: Werder Bremen’s Sebastian Prodl is one for the future, but the side are about as popular in Austria as Gordon Brown is over here at the minute.
How did he not get in? OK, so Paul Scharner isn’t Pele but he hasn’t half done well for Wigan this season. So falling out with his national manager probably wasn’t a good idea.
Stick your money on: Indifference from the home crowd. Unless they’re successful. Which they won’t be.
Wag Watch: It is Austria, so there aren’t many, understandably. But Boro’s Emmanuel Pogatetz’s wife Mirjam is tidy.
If they were a celeb: Heather Mills. They’ll have a tough time of it at home.
Obligatory translation feature: “Mindestens es war nur fünf” (“At least it was only five”)
Prediction: They’ll avoid complete humiliation by finishing third. In Group B.

Posted by: Lex

Up step England's conquerors...

Group B
Croatia


Odds to win: 12/1
Previous best: Quarter Final in 1996
Gaffer's pedigree: Slaven Bilic is the main reason why England aren’t here and yet we still think he’s great. Probably because he says managing Croatia is an honour and only accepts minimum wage as payment. And he doesn’t use umbrellas.
He might do alright: Luka Modric is the man Spurs have just bought for £16m so see how good he is. Or laugh uncontrollably when he does his hamstring.
How did he get in? Despite having two kidney transplants this season, Ivan Klasnic could lead the line for his country. To think Darren Anderton used to miss games for having a sore toenail.
Stick your money on: Some kind of emotional dedication to Eduardo after each goal scored. And a needless booking each time.
Wag Watch: Anica Kovac, defender Robert’s better half, is a Miss World runner-up.
If they were a celeb: Bill Oddie. Quirky and colourful but just a little weird.
Obligatory translation feature: “Gdje je Paul Crvendać selac te dani?” (“Where’s Paul Robinson these days?”)
Prediction: Second in the group, but out to Germany in the semi-final.

Posted by: Lex

It's everybody's second team...isn't it?

Group B
Germany

Odds to win: 4/1
Previous best: Three times champions.
Gaffer's pedigree: Joachim Low is no Jurgen Klinsmann, he doesn’t live in California for a start. But he has great hair, which counts for a lot.
He might do alright: Mario Gomez. That's right, he's German. His dad's Spanish or something and clearly didn't fancy calling him Ulrich. Nonetheless the boy can play, and he's already scored six goals in nine games for his country.
How did he get in? Jens Lehman. Poor ‘keeper, crap hair, great moaner. How he’ll miss his old pal Oliver.
Stick your money on: Germany surprising everyone by playing the best football in the tournament. Depressing thought.
Wag Watch: Sarah Brander. That's Miss Bastian Schweinsteiger, the not-so-aesthetically-pleasing midfielder. A quick Google search will show that, like Hatton in Las Vegas, he's punching way above his weight.
If they were a celeb: Naomi Campbell: Unpopular, unpredictable, but attractive to look at.
Obligatory translation feature: “Vorsprung durch technik” (“Jens Lehman can’t catch a beach ball”)
Prediction: Winners. Depressingly…

Posted by: Lex

Motson gears up for this lot...

Group B
Poland

Odds to win: 40/1
Previous best: Never before qualified
Gaffer's pedigree: There really are some cracking names this year. Leo Beenhakker is the man who leads Poland, sounding like he’s come straight off the set of Harry Potter.
He might do alright: John Motson. Because if he can pronounce this lot correctly, he might yet keep his job at the Beeb.
How did he get in? Marek Saganowski, of Southampton. You know, the side that escaped relegation to League One on the last day of the season. He’ll be in inspiring form then…
Stick your money on: Celtic ‘keeper Artur Boruc swearing, gesturing or mooning at the crowd. It’s what he does.
Wag Watch: Katarzyna Boruc. The aforementioned Artur is regularly featured in the Polish tabloids with his blonde wife.
If they were a celeb: Britney Spears circa 1999. Nobody can quite believe they’ve never done it before.
Obligatory translation feature: “JA wola klasa ten oszczędzić pomywacz strony u mój powrót” (“I will order the spare washer parts on my return”)
Prediction: Last in their group.

Posted by: Lex

Watch out Europe, Colin's on the scene...

Group A
Turkey

Odds to win: 50/1
Previous best: Quarter-final in 2000
Gaffer's pedigree: As well as competing with Kobi Kuhn for the best name in football, Fatih Terim is the most successful coach in Turkish football.
He might do alright: Villareal’s Nihat Kahveci has been banging them in most weeks in Spain, but given that he’s likely to get worse service than the tube on a bank holiday, he could be in for a frustrating tournament.
How did he get in? They call him Kazim-Kazim, we know him as Colin Kazim-Richards, the chap who looked out of place at Sheffield United is now a Turkish international playing for Fenerbahce. How does that work?
Stick your money on: Emre becoming a UN ambassador. Only joking.
Wag Watch: You'll be lucky, boss Fatih Terim keeps a close eye on his players and refuses to have WAGs anywhere near the team hotel.
If they were a celeb: Lawrence-Llewelyn Bowen. Unfashionable, lacking in creativity, and often annoying.
Obligatory translation feature: “Neler sen niyet etmek isviçre don't edyorlar Vermek” (“What do you mean the Swiss don’t do donner?”)
Prediction: Bottom of the group.

Posted by: Lex

Like their cheese, the Swiss defence is full of holes...

Group A
Switzerland

Odds to win: 22/1
Previous best: Round One in 2004
Gaffer's pedigree: Despite having a name that makes him sound like an 80’s rapper, Kobi Kuhn is being replaced by Ottmar Hitzfeld after the tournament.
He might do alright: Eren Derdiyok. He’s the youngster who scored on his senior debut in February. Though it was against England so it doesn’t really tell us much.
How did he get in? Johan Djourou is the rock at the heart of the Swiss defence. Fancy relying on an Arsenal reserve. Still, at least he has Philippe Senderos alongside him. Oh…
Stick your money on: Journalists and commentators making rubbish puns about cheese and/or mountains.
Wag Watch: Lazio winger Valon Behrami has done well for himself for nabbing model Elena Bonzanni.
If they were a celeb: Charlie Higson. Probably a really dull host.
Obligatory translation feature: “Ist es vorbei schon?“ (“Is it over yet?”)
Prediction: Third in the group.

Posted by: Lex

Even Prescott hits harder than that...

It's Big Phil and Mr. Feet himself, Ronaldo...

Group A
Portugal

Odds to win: 15/2
Previous best: Runners-up in 2004.
Gaffer's pedigree: There’s not much you don’t know about Phil Scolari, whether it be winning a World Cup, slagging off the English press or punching opposition players. What a guy.
He might do alright: Strong in the air, great with both feet and plays in the Premier League. But enough of Ricardo Carvalho, we’re keeping an eye on a chap named Ronaldo.
How did he get in? Helder Postiga. Yes Spurs fans, you read it right. This clown is still an international footballer.
Stick your money on: Juvenile chuckles nationwide when sub ‘keeper Quim is mentioned in commentary.
Wag Watch: Nereida Gallardo is Cristiano’s current flame, check her out here.
If they were a celeb: Will Smith as Fresh Prince. Because Big Phil’s in charge. Obviously.
Obligatory translation feature: “Pela última vez Sr. Fergusson, Eu faço não exigir um chaperone” (“For the last time Mr. Ferguson, I do not require a chaperone.”)
Prediction: Second in the group, but lose to Germany in the quarters.

Posted by: Lex

As if we weren't going to do a Euro 2008 preview...

Group A
Czech Republic

Odds to win: 18/1
Previous best: Winners in 1976 (As Czechoslovakia)
Gaffer's pedigree: Karel Bruckner seems to have been manager for decades, and looks like he has too, but this will be his last tournament.
He might do alright: As well as Bruckner, this could be big Jan Koller’s last hurrah, and he’ll be wanting to go out on a high before a certain move into WWE.
How did he get in? David Rozehnal. Clearly Czech scouts didn’t make it to St. James’ Park this season.
Stick your money on: Most of the squad keeping a low profile: five of them were caught with six prostitutes in the team hotel last year.
Wag Watch: Hedvika Koller. Big Jan’s Mrs is a former Playboy model. Which shouldn’t really surprise us.
If they were a celeb: Hugh Heffner. Aging, ugly and a bit pervy.
Obligatory translation feature: “Jak až k člen určitý červeň bujný oblast?” (“Which way to the red light district?”)
Prediction: Group winners, but out in the quarter-final to Croatia.

Posted by: Lex