Retro Keegan, FA Cup non-classics and getting Randy. The five matches to watch out for this weekend…
"I could have a 'tache like that if I wanted..."
Arsenal v NewcastleWhere. Emirates Stadium, 15.00
What you hope to see. Keegan to bring back the memory of the Ginola/Ferdinand/Albert good times as Newcastle come from 4-0 down to win 7-5, with Geordies in raptures.
What you’re likely to get. Keegan to recreate the ‘slumped over the advertising boards’ pose ala Anfield 1996 as Arsenal take out their Carling Cup hangover out on the hapless Toon Army, with Geordies in tears.
Watch out for. Adebayor and Bendtner turning into the next ‘Blair and Brown’ as they line-up in attack together despite getting on as well as Paul McCartney and Heather Mills.
Fact! More than 2.5 goals have been scored in 63% of Newcastle’s away matches. We reckon if anyone could score half a goal, it would be Newcastle.
Liverpool v Havant and WaterloovilleWhere. Anfield, 15.00
What you hope to see. Let’s not beat about the bush, even Havant sneaking a draw would be the funniest thing to happen in football since Kevin Keegan returned to Newcastle. Remember that? That was hilarious…
What you’re likely to get. Liverpool 3-0 up after 20 minutes, Motson and Lawrenson blathering on about nothing and the rest of the match petering out in a perfect example of why no one cares about the FA Cup anymore…
Watch out for. Dedicated non-league folk complaining that the game has not been televised, thus robbing the ‘plucky non-leaguers’ a big pay day. See above for reason why...
Fact! One of Havant’s directors is called Leroy Whale.
Wigan v ChelseaWhere. The JJB Stadium, 17.45
What you hope to see. A game that proves that the guys at the BBC do know what they’re doing when they come to choose the live games.
What you’re likely to get. A dreary Chelsea win that’s wrapped up in the first half that proves that the BBC schedulers really don’t have their fingers on the pulse anymore.
Watch out for. Alan Hansen dissecting Titus Bramble’s performance at half time. The Beeb probably have a whole floor in their archives building devoted to the man.
Fact! Wigan chairman Dave Whelan broke his leg in the 1960 FA Cup Final playing for Blackburn Rovers.
Aston Villa v BlackburnWhere. Villa Park, 15.00
What you hope to see. Ashley Young playing like Lionel Messi, feeding an Henry-esque Gabriel Agbonlahor, with a dynamic full-back performance from Stephen Warnock forcing Capello to jump-start England’s new era with some young blood.
What you’re likely to get. Long ball to Carew. Won in the air by Samba. Long ball to Santa Cruz. Headed clear by Laursen. A tepid atmosphere from a crowd that struggles to reach 30k. A perfect advert for the solitary Premier League encounter this weekend.
Watch out for. Martin O’Neill bouncing around like an extra in One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and the commentator making a lazy comparison between ‘good Yank’ Randy Lerner and ‘bad Yanks’ Tom Hicks and George Gillett.
Fact! What is Randy short for? Randolph.
Luton v LeedsWhere. Kenilworth Road, 15.00
What you hope to see. Luton to sneak their first win since Nick Owen took over, showing Ken Bates that nice guys can succeed in life.
What you’re likely to get. Leeds to get back on track by drubbing the remaining reserve and youth players who have not yet managed to escape Kenilworth Road.
Watch out for. Dennis Wise looking puzzled and telling Dave Bassett that he actually found Gus Poyet easier to understand.
Fact! New Luton chairman Nick Owen was once refused entry into the lounge bar named after him because it was too full. Ken Bates would have forced his way in. Nice guys never win.
Posted by: Catflap Magazine