And it's quite literally Totti for Italy...

Posted by: Catflap Magazine

Naked Sven, Ronaldo misery, Lee Trundle's innappropriate showboating and Kevin Keegan. Again...

Manchester City v Arsenal
Where City of Manchester Stadium, 12.45
What you hope to see A Daniel Sturridge hat trick completed in the last minute with an audacious strike to win 3-2. Prompting Sven to rip his shirt off, throw it in the crowd and boom out ‘Blue Moon’ over the PA system.
What you’re likely to get A Daniel Sturridge hat trick completed in the last minute with an audacious strike to win 3-2. Prompting Sven to smile. Just.
Watch out for Joe Hart furiously stamping on any balloon within a three-mile radius of Eastlands.
Fact! Daniel Sturridge is the nephew of former Derby County forward Dean Sturridge.

Tottenham v Man Utd
Where White Hart Lane, 15.00
What you hope to see Ronaldo’s smug grin wiped off his face as he misses two open goals, a penalty and gets sent off. For winking.
What you’re likely to get Two United goals in the first 20 minutes. Both from Ronaldo. One a ridiculous free-kick. And then a smug celebration.
Watch out for Pascal Chimbonda lapping up the Spurs’ fans adulation after his frank assessment of his future at the club.
Fact! The north stand at White Hart Lane holds exactly 10,086 fans.

QPR v Bristol City
Where Loftus Road, 15.00
What you hope to see A rousing clash with top of the table Bristol City hoping to prove the country they’re more than a one season wonder with a manager who always talks about getting his arse out in shop windows.
What you’re likely to get Lee Trundle appeasing his Soccer AM withdrawal symptoms by doing tricks and flicks in the centre circle with Bristol 1-0 up with minutes to go. Then losing the ball before a QPR equaliser...
Watch out for QPR fans waving tenners in the stands singing ‘We’re richer than you’. Then Bristol fans replying with a witty riposte involving the words “Oo” and “Ar”.
Fact! Lee Trundle is engaged to Atomic Kitten’s Liz McClarnon.

Swansea v Oldham
Where Liberty Stadium, 14.00
What you hope to see A full-to-the-brim Liberty Stadium cheering on their top-of-the-table side, with new loan signing Febian Brandy showing exactly why he’s rated so highly at Man Utd.
What you’re likely to get Latics defender Neal ‘no-nonsense’ Trotman to go through Brandy after three minutes.
Watch out for Swansea mascot Cyril the Swan lashing out at fellow humans dressed in fury animal suits.
Fact! Cyril the Swan married Cybil the Swan at the final league game at the Vetch Field in 2005.

Newcastle v Middlesbrough
Where St. James’ Park, Sunday, 13.30
What you hope to see Dreary game postponed after 15 minutes after high winds cause all the ‘comedy’ curly wigs and paper crowns to fly off the heads of those wacky Geordies and cover the pitch. Just to show that the situation on Tyneside can, contrary to current belief, become even more bizarre.
What you’re likely to get A typical fiery Tyne-Tees derby. Also know in the game as dirge.
Watch out for Constant camera cuts to Dennis Wise in the stands, looking slightly confused and bored.
Fact! Kevin Keegan no longer has a black perm.

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Posted by: Lex

No David Beckham, Jermain Defoe or Paul Robinson...

Provisional England squad for Switzerland game...

Goalkeepers: S Carson (Aston Villa), D James (Portsmouth), C Kirkland (Wigan).

Defenders: W Bridge (Chelsea), W Brown (Manchester United), A Cole (Chelsea), C Davies (Aston Villa), R Ferdinand (Manchester United) G Johnson (Portsmouth), L King (Tottenham), J Lescott (Everton), M Richards (Manchester City), N Shorey (Reading), M Upson (West Ham), J Woodgate (Tottenham).

Midfielders: G Barry (Aston Villa), D Bentley (Blackburn), M Carrick (Manchester United), J Cole (Chelsea), S Downing (Middlesbrough), S Gerrard (Liverpool), O Hargreaves (Manchester United), J Jenas (Tottenham), S Wright-Phillips (Chelsea), A Young (Aston Villa).

Forwards: G Agbonlahor (Aston Villa), P Crouch (Liverpool), E Heskey (Wigan), M Owen (Newcastle), W Rooney (Manchester United).

Posted by: Lex

Old enough to remember penny football?

This will bring back some memories. And you won't lose any money...

Posted by: Lex

Newcastle unveil their new management team...

Good luck to both Kevin and Dennis. They're going to need it...

Posted by: Lex

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a ruddy good striker who can do flips and everything...

His name is Kenwyne Jones, and in Sunderland they believe that he can actually walk on the River Wear. And when 40,000 fans pack the Stadium of Light tonight for the proverbial six-pointer against Birmingham, they'll be expecting more miracles from the £6m man. For it is a game so important that Rupert Murdoch personally ordered his underlings at Sky to screen the game so that he could watch it from his office in Australia. True story.

And I reckon the big man will deliver with a back flip, triple pike and full tuck. Oh, and with a goal. Paddy Power have odds of 9-5 for him to score at any time during the game, and 28-1 for him to score first and Sunderland to win 2-1. Get on! As they say in, er, England.

Make the bet here, or ignore everything i've just said and back Ginger Warrior Paul McShane to score an own goal at 40-1...

Posted by: Catflap Magazine

According to the News of the World, which Premier League player likes to do a handstand after sex as he believes it speeds up his recovery time so he can jump on board once more? Is it...

A Peter Crouch

B Carlos Tevez

C Jermain Defoe

Posted by: Gav

Replaced as the official ball to the premier League in 2000, with Nike claiming the ball was 'Rounder', as well as faster and more responsive off the player’s foot. Almost immediately, it made headlines for it's alleged unpredictability and erratic swerve, with 'keepers all over the country complaining that it was making them look silly. Any Excuse...

 

Best remebered for:

Because of the randomness the ball’s flight, there were a few crackers swerving in from all over the pitch. But Dennis Bergkamp's world-class turn and finish against Newcastle owed nothing to luck, and rightly won Goal of the Season...

 

Dennis Bergkamp fantastic goal Arsenal vs. Newcastle 2002

Posted by: Rik

Jonathan Woodgate who has played just 16 times for Middlesbrough this season is in talks with Newcastle after their £7m bid for the defender was accepted by Middlesbrough.

Woodgate left Newcastle in 2004 to join Real Madrid, looks set for a return to the club having reportedly turned down a move to Tottenham.

Woodgate joined his hometown club Middlesbrough for £7m from Real Madrid last summer.

Boro need not worry about his departure too much as they do have players competing for places in defence, such as with David Wheater, Robert Huth, Emanuel Pogatetz and Matthew Bates.

Middlesbrough take on Mansfield today in the FA cup but Woodgate, 28, was not included in Middlesbrough's squad.

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(or don't, whatever)

Posted by: Crouchy