The Catflap Magazine Football Blog

 

 Monday, February 04, 2008

Catflap on tour: England away kit launch, Watford...


Thanks to Video Ed Matt Sellers for setting it to the campest score ever heard...


Posted by: Lex

posted on Monday, February 04, 2008 6:56:36 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]
 Friday, February 01, 2008

It's the inaugral Flapometer!

(Until we come up with a better name anyway...)


Back in the day when Asics were cool...

Yes, it's one of those 'winners and losers of the week' things you see in the free papers...


Top Cats...

Gary McAllister
Gary Mac is back in the big time after five years out of the game. Well, we say big time, we mean League One. But charged with the task of getting Leeds back to the big time. His brief but impressive managerial record so far suggests Leeds have got a fair chance under him, and the fans are not exactly inconsolable over the departure of the growling little one.

Derby
We’re a bunch of softies here at Catflap. And they need a little cheering up over there. Which is why we’ve put them in, after a sterling effort to get a draw at home to high-flying Man City, infront of their new owner, a former wrestler. Sadly, not even Hulk Hogan would save them now.

Ronaldo
We get the feeling he may well feature in this weekly barometer rather too much. But when he scores a free-kick that is quite literally as Catflap as they come, we can hardly leave him out this week can we?

Harry Redknapp

Finally got his man for £12m. When he realises a night in Portsmouth is best spent in the house, Jermain Defoe could thrive under Redknapp and become the final piece to the Portsmouth puzzle, allowing them to really push on into Europe.

Jeremie Aliadiere
While only around 600 spectators witnessed it, Aliadiere actually scored a goal, with the winning strike against Wigan in midweek. Good timing too, with the arrival of £12m striker Alfonso Alves. That should add another 350 to the average Boro gate then.


In a Flap...

Gary Megson
There’s not much you can do when you’re forced to sell your one world class player for £12m. But buying a quality replacement who’ll guarantee the vital goals to keep you up would be a start. So who does the Ginger Mourinho sign to fill a Nicolas Anelka-shaped hole? Grzegorz Rasiak. On loan from Southampton. That’s ‘eight Premier League appearances, no goals’ Grzegorz Rasiak.

Pascal Chimbonda

"Kevin Keegan has approached me and they've offered me more money. I am definitely leaving Spurs. It's all about the money. I don't care about the final, I don't care about the cup." Chimbonda is still at Spurs. Presumably he won’t be wanting to play in that cup final then.


Hicks knew Rafa had lost it when he named himself upfront...

Liverpool
The world is getting bored, very bored, with the whole Liverpool thing. Yes, Rafa being sacked would be slightly harsh, but if that’s what it takes for this whole charade to end, then for God’s sake get the American axe out. After a week which included re-financing, a last minute loss on the pitch and now some ridiculous pipe dream about fans owning the club, all we ask is that it ends. Please.

Kevin Keegan
“He’ll bring back the entertainers!” they all proclaimed in their incomprehensible Geordie drawl. Result: three games, no wins, no goals. “He’ll attract the big names back to the club!” they insisted. Result: Keegan signs a 17-year-old Italian that nobody’s heard of. “He’ll grab the club by the scruff of the neck and sort it out!” Result: The chairman goes over his head to bring in Dennis Wise. Looking good Kev.

Roy Hodgson

Roy: January 6th: "What you don't want is to bring in players on a short-term basis. We need players good enough not only to help us stay in this league but to assist us in building an even stronger team next season. What we don't want to be doing is signing people who are just going to make our list of players longer." Roy’s transfer window signings were Jari Litmanen (36), Toni Kallio (29), Paul Stalteri (30). Clearly all long-term players there then Roy...

Posted by: Lex

posted on Friday, February 01, 2008 12:17:16 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]
 Thursday, January 31, 2008


And it's quite literally Totti for Italy...


Posted by: Catflap Magazine

posted on Thursday, January 31, 2008 6:31:51 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]

Naked Sven, Ronaldo misery, Lee Trundle's innappropriate showboating and Kevin Keegan. Again...


"Is Chamberlain watching?"

Manchester City v Arsenal
Where
City of Manchester Stadium, 12.45
What you hope to see A Daniel Sturridge hat trick completed in the last minute with an audacious strike to win 3-2. Prompting Sven to rip his shirt off, throw it in the crowd and boom out ‘Blue Moon’ over the PA system.
What you’re likely to get A Daniel Sturridge hat trick completed in the last minute with an audacious strike to win 3-2. Prompting Sven to smile. Just.
Watch out for Joe Hart furiously stamping on any balloon within a three-mile radius of Eastlands.
Fact! Daniel Sturridge is the nephew of former Derby County forward Dean Sturridge.

Tottenham v Man Utd
Where
White Hart Lane, 15.00
What you hope to see Ronaldo’s smug grin wiped off his face as he misses two open goals, a penalty and gets sent off. For winking.
What you’re likely to get Two United goals in the first 20 minutes. Both from Ronaldo. One a ridiculous free-kick. And then a smug celebration.
Watch out for Pascal Chimbonda lapping up the Spurs’ fans adulation after his frank assessment of his future at the club.
Fact! The north stand at White Hart Lane holds exactly 10,086 fans.

QPR v Bristol City
Where Loftus Road, 15.00
What you hope to see A rousing clash with top of the table Bristol City hoping to prove the country they’re more than a one season wonder with a manager who always talks about getting his arse out in shop windows.
What you’re likely to get Lee Trundle appeasing his Soccer AM withdrawal symptoms by doing tricks and flicks in the centre circle with Bristol 1-0 up with minutes to go. Then losing the ball before a QPR equaliser...
Watch out for QPR fans waving tenners in the stands singing ‘We’re richer than you’. Then Bristol fans replying with a witty riposte involving the words “Oo” and “Ar”.
Fact! Lee Trundle is engaged to Atomic Kitten’s Liz McClarnon.

Swansea v Oldham
Where
Liberty Stadium, 14.00
What you hope to see A full-to-the-brim Liberty Stadium cheering on their top-of-the-table side, with new loan signing Febian Brandy showing exactly why he’s rated so highly at Man Utd.
What you’re likely to get Latics defender Neal ‘no-nonsense’ Trotman to go through Brandy after three minutes.
Watch out for Swansea mascot Cyril the Swan lashing out at fellow humans dressed in fury animal suits.
Fact! Cyril the Swan married Cybil the Swan at the final league game at the Vetch Field in 2005.

Newcastle v Middlesbrough
Where St. James’ Park, Sunday, 13.30
What you hope to see Dreary game postponed after 15 minutes after high winds cause all the ‘comedy’ curly wigs and paper crowns to fly off the heads of those wacky Geordies and cover the pitch. Just to show that the situation on Tyneside can, contrary to current belief, become even more bizarre.
What you’re likely to get A typical fiery Tyne-Tees derby. Also know in the game as dirge.
Watch out for Constant camera cuts to Dennis Wise in the stands, looking slightly confused and bored.
Fact! Kevin Keegan no longer has a black perm.

Read CATFLAP our FREE Football Magazine http://ezine.catflapmag.com

Posted by: Lex

posted on Thursday, January 31, 2008 5:46:53 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]

No David Beckham, Jermain Defoe or Paul Robinson...

"What do you make of Titus Bramble Trevor?"

Provisional England squad for Switzerland game...

Goalkeepers: S Carson (Aston Villa), D James (Portsmouth), C Kirkland (Wigan).

Defenders:
W Bridge (Chelsea), W Brown (Manchester United), A Cole (Chelsea), C Davies (Aston Villa), R Ferdinand (Manchester United) G Johnson (Portsmouth), L King (Tottenham), J Lescott (Everton), M Richards (Manchester City), N Shorey (Reading), M Upson (West Ham), J Woodgate (Tottenham).

Midfielders:
G Barry (Aston Villa), D Bentley (Blackburn), M Carrick (Manchester United), J Cole (Chelsea), S Downing (Middlesbrough), S Gerrard (Liverpool), O Hargreaves (Manchester United), J Jenas (Tottenham), S Wright-Phillips (Chelsea), A Young (Aston Villa).

Forwards: G Agbonlahor (Aston Villa), P Crouch (Liverpool), E Heskey (Wigan), M Owen (Newcastle), W Rooney (Manchester United).

Posted by: Lex

posted on Thursday, January 31, 2008 4:26:18 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]
 Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Old enough to remember penny football?

This will bring back some memories. And you won't lose any money...


Posted by: Lex

posted on Wednesday, January 30, 2008 5:47:54 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]
 Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Newcastle unveil their new management team...


"What the hell is Executive Director Kev?" "No idea Den, just smile..."

Good luck to both Kevin and Dennis. They're going to need it...

Posted by: Lex

posted on Tuesday, January 29, 2008 1:07:46 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a ruddy good striker who can do flips and everything...


Kenwyne's dramatic entrance from a helicopter was about to end badly...

His name is Kenwyne Jones, and in Sunderland they believe that he can actually walk on the River Wear. And when 40,000 fans pack the Stadium of Light tonight for the proverbial six-pointer against Birmingham, they'll be expecting more miracles from the £6m man. For it is a game so important that Rupert Murdoch personally ordered his underlings at Sky to screen the game so that he could watch it from his office in Australia. True story.

And I reckon the big man will deliver with a back flip, triple pike and full tuck. Oh, and with a goal. Paddy Power have odds of 9-5 for him to score at any time during the game, and 28-1 for him to score first and Sunderland to win 2-1. Get on! As they say in, er, England.

Make the bet here, or ignore everything i've just said and back Ginger Warrior Paul McShane to score an own goal at 40-1...

Posted by: Catflap Magazine

posted on Tuesday, January 29, 2008 12:44:45 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]
 Monday, January 28, 2008
According to the News of the World, which Premier League player likes to do a handstand after sex as he believes it speeds up his recovery time so he can jump on board once more? Is it...

A Peter Crouch

B Carlos Tevez

C Jermain Defoe


Posted by: Gav

posted on Monday, January 28, 2008 2:13:33 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)  #    Comments [0]

 

 

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