Jermain Defoe's primary school, wacky Holloway, respectful silence and shaving beards...

Bolton v Portsmouth
Where Reebok Stadium, Saturday 15.00
What you hope to see Jermain Defoe terrorising Bolton’s frail defence and Grzegorz Rasiak proving that he can cut it as Anelka’s replacement.
What you’re likely to get Harry Redknapp harping on in the post-match interview about Defoe’s England prospects. And Gary Megson telling Bolton fans to be patient with Rasiak.
Watch out for Matt Taylor spanking in a 35-yard last minute equaliser against his former side, then doing that lame thing of not celebrating ‘out of respect.’
Fact! Jermain Defoe attended St Joachim Junior School

Leicester v Plymouth
Where Walkers Stadium, Saturday 15.00
What you hope to see Ian Holloway taking all the flak from bitter Plymouth fans on the chin, sitting in the dugout and quietly going about his business.
What you’re likely to get Holloway to laugh off the stick in his wacky manner, then give some well-rehearsed soundbite after the game.
Watch out for Ollie denying that he is to blame for several of Plymouth’s players leaving the club.
Fact! Barry Hayles, signed from Plymouth, will line-up for Leicester on Saturday.

Manchester United v Manchester City
Where Old Trafford, Sunday 13.30
What you hope to see hear Silence.
What you’re likely to get Four or five idiots who’ll turn up determined to generate some attention, giving the thousands of City fans who’ll respect the tributes a bad name.
Watch out for All players will wear commemorative kits with no sponsors and plain black boots. Shame it’s taken such a sombre occasion for them to finally see sense.
Fact: News of the World journalist Frank Swift, who also died in the Munich crash, was a former Manchester City goalkeeper.

Chelsea v Liverpool
Where Stamford Bridge, Sunday 16.00
What you hope to see Avram Grant look happy. Just for once. Come on…
What you’re likely to get Avram Grant remaining miserably pragmatic as ever as his side continue their sneaky march towards the Premier League title with a comfortable win.
Watch out for Rafa Benitez stroke his goatee manically. The more he strokes, the more he’s worried. Our theory? He should just shave it. It’s all gone downhill since the face-rodent appeared.
Fact! Benitez is actually Rafa’s middle name. His actual surname is Maudes.

African Cup of Nations Final
Where Ohene Djan Stadium, Ghana, Sunday 17.00
What you hope to see Someone finally deciding what the name of this tournament actually is. African Nations Cup? Africa Cup of Nations? Anyone?
What you’re likely to get Stan Collymore on Eurosport mentioning an African team winning the World Cup ‘before long.’
Watch out for The winner of the tournament not actually qualifying for the next World Cup.
Fact! The average attendance at the African Cup of Nations has been 19,071.

Posted by: Lex

This is what you call teamwork...

Posted by: Lex

Posted by: Lex

Still not sure what Catflap is? Observe...

Reminds me of the way I used to hit them...

Posted by: Lex

Catflap on tour: England away kit launch, Watford...

Thanks to Video Ed Matt Sellers for setting it to the campest score ever heard...

Posted by: Lex

It's the inaugral Flapometer!

(Until we come up with a better name anyway...)

Yes, it's one of those 'winners and losers of the week' things you see in the free papers...

Top Cats...

Gary McAllister
Gary Mac is back in the big time after five years out of the game. Well, we say big time, we mean League One. But charged with the task of getting Leeds back to the big time. His brief but impressive managerial record so far suggests Leeds have got a fair chance under him, and the fans are not exactly inconsolable over the departure of the growling little one.

Derby
We’re a bunch of softies here at Catflap. And they need a little cheering up over there. Which is why we’ve put them in, after a sterling effort to get a draw at home to high-flying Man City, infront of their new owner, a former wrestler. Sadly, not even Hulk Hogan would save them now.

Ronaldo
We get the feeling he may well feature in this weekly barometer rather too much. But when he scores a free-kick that is quite literally as Catflap as they come, we can hardly leave him out this week can we?

Harry Redknapp
Finally got his man for £12m. When he realises a night in Portsmouth is best spent in the house, Jermain Defoe could thrive under Redknapp and become the final piece to the Portsmouth puzzle, allowing them to really push on into Europe.

Jeremie Aliadiere
While only around 600 spectators witnessed it, Aliadiere actually scored a goal, with the winning strike against Wigan in midweek. Good timing too, with the arrival of £12m striker Alfonso Alves. That should add another 350 to the average Boro gate then.

In a Flap...

Gary Megson
There’s not much you can do when you’re forced to sell your one world class player for £12m. But buying a quality replacement who’ll guarantee the vital goals to keep you up would be a start. So who does the Ginger Mourinho sign to fill a Nicolas Anelka-shaped hole? Grzegorz Rasiak. On loan from Southampton. That’s ‘eight Premier League appearances, no goals’ Grzegorz Rasiak.

Pascal Chimbonda
"Kevin Keegan has approached me and they've offered me more money. I am definitely leaving Spurs. It's all about the money. I don't care about the final, I don't care about the cup." Chimbonda is still at Spurs. Presumably he won’t be wanting to play in that cup final then.

Liverpool
The world is getting bored, very bored, with the whole Liverpool thing. Yes, Rafa being sacked would be slightly harsh, but if that’s what it takes for this whole charade to end, then for God’s sake get the American axe out. After a week which included re-financing, a last minute loss on the pitch and now some ridiculous pipe dream about fans owning the club, all we ask is that it ends. Please.

Kevin Keegan
“He’ll bring back the entertainers!” they all proclaimed in their incomprehensible Geordie drawl. Result: three games, no wins, no goals. “He’ll attract the big names back to the club!” they insisted. Result: Keegan signs a 17-year-old Italian that nobody’s heard of. “He’ll grab the club by the scruff of the neck and sort it out!” Result: The chairman goes over his head to bring in Dennis Wise. Looking good Kev.

Roy Hodgson
Roy: January 6th: "What you don't want is to bring in players on a short-term basis. We need players good enough not only to help us stay in this league but to assist us in building an even stronger team next season. What we don't want to be doing is signing people who are just going to make our list of players longer." Roy’s transfer window signings were Jari Litmanen (36), Toni Kallio (29), Paul Stalteri (30). Clearly all long-term players there then Roy...

Posted by: Lex

And it's quite literally Totti for Italy...

Posted by: Catflap Magazine

Naked Sven, Ronaldo misery, Lee Trundle's innappropriate showboating and Kevin Keegan. Again...

Manchester City v Arsenal
Where City of Manchester Stadium, 12.45
What you hope to see A Daniel Sturridge hat trick completed in the last minute with an audacious strike to win 3-2. Prompting Sven to rip his shirt off, throw it in the crowd and boom out ‘Blue Moon’ over the PA system.
What you’re likely to get A Daniel Sturridge hat trick completed in the last minute with an audacious strike to win 3-2. Prompting Sven to smile. Just.
Watch out for Joe Hart furiously stamping on any balloon within a three-mile radius of Eastlands.
Fact! Daniel Sturridge is the nephew of former Derby County forward Dean Sturridge.

Tottenham v Man Utd
Where White Hart Lane, 15.00
What you hope to see Ronaldo’s smug grin wiped off his face as he misses two open goals, a penalty and gets sent off. For winking.
What you’re likely to get Two United goals in the first 20 minutes. Both from Ronaldo. One a ridiculous free-kick. And then a smug celebration.
Watch out for Pascal Chimbonda lapping up the Spurs’ fans adulation after his frank assessment of his future at the club.
Fact! The north stand at White Hart Lane holds exactly 10,086 fans.

QPR v Bristol City
Where Loftus Road, 15.00
What you hope to see A rousing clash with top of the table Bristol City hoping to prove the country they’re more than a one season wonder with a manager who always talks about getting his arse out in shop windows.
What you’re likely to get Lee Trundle appeasing his Soccer AM withdrawal symptoms by doing tricks and flicks in the centre circle with Bristol 1-0 up with minutes to go. Then losing the ball before a QPR equaliser...
Watch out for QPR fans waving tenners in the stands singing ‘We’re richer than you’. Then Bristol fans replying with a witty riposte involving the words “Oo” and “Ar”.
Fact! Lee Trundle is engaged to Atomic Kitten’s Liz McClarnon.

Swansea v Oldham
Where Liberty Stadium, 14.00
What you hope to see A full-to-the-brim Liberty Stadium cheering on their top-of-the-table side, with new loan signing Febian Brandy showing exactly why he’s rated so highly at Man Utd.
What you’re likely to get Latics defender Neal ‘no-nonsense’ Trotman to go through Brandy after three minutes.
Watch out for Swansea mascot Cyril the Swan lashing out at fellow humans dressed in fury animal suits.
Fact! Cyril the Swan married Cybil the Swan at the final league game at the Vetch Field in 2005.

Newcastle v Middlesbrough
Where St. James’ Park, Sunday, 13.30
What you hope to see Dreary game postponed after 15 minutes after high winds cause all the ‘comedy’ curly wigs and paper crowns to fly off the heads of those wacky Geordies and cover the pitch. Just to show that the situation on Tyneside can, contrary to current belief, become even more bizarre.
What you’re likely to get A typical fiery Tyne-Tees derby. Also know in the game as dirge.
Watch out for Constant camera cuts to Dennis Wise in the stands, looking slightly confused and bored.
Fact! Kevin Keegan no longer has a black perm.

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Posted by: Lex

No David Beckham, Jermain Defoe or Paul Robinson...

Provisional England squad for Switzerland game...

Goalkeepers: S Carson (Aston Villa), D James (Portsmouth), C Kirkland (Wigan).

Defenders: W Bridge (Chelsea), W Brown (Manchester United), A Cole (Chelsea), C Davies (Aston Villa), R Ferdinand (Manchester United) G Johnson (Portsmouth), L King (Tottenham), J Lescott (Everton), M Richards (Manchester City), N Shorey (Reading), M Upson (West Ham), J Woodgate (Tottenham).

Midfielders: G Barry (Aston Villa), D Bentley (Blackburn), M Carrick (Manchester United), J Cole (Chelsea), S Downing (Middlesbrough), S Gerrard (Liverpool), O Hargreaves (Manchester United), J Jenas (Tottenham), S Wright-Phillips (Chelsea), A Young (Aston Villa).

Forwards: G Agbonlahor (Aston Villa), P Crouch (Liverpool), E Heskey (Wigan), M Owen (Newcastle), W Rooney (Manchester United).

Posted by: Lex