Getting drunk with Jeff Stelling = Football Heaven...

The Rules

- Everytime a goal is scored:- 1 shot of beer

- Every sending off:- 1 shot of Jager (or substitute)

- Half time:- Absolutley no alcoholic beverages may be
imbibed during this period.

- Whenever Chris Kamara is talking:- You must be drinking

- Whenever Merson uses stupid rhyming slang (i.e."he's hit the beans
on toast"!):- 1 shot of Jager

- In the second half, all teams can only be referred to by their
nicknames:- Failure to do so results in a 3 beer shot penalty.

- Whenever Swindon Town appear on the vidiprinter: - Last person to
shout out 'Mackerel' takes shot of Jager.

- Whenever Dundee appear on the vidiprinter:- Last person to shout out
'Football' takes shot of Jager.

- Everytime Phil Thompson says 'Stevie Gerrard':- 3 shots of beer.

- Everytime Jeff makes an 'A Trialist' joke:- 3 shots of beer.

- Everytime your team score:- 2 extra shots of beer

- Everytime Matty Taylor and 'Goal of the Season' are mentioned in the
same sentence:- 1 shot of Jager

- Everytime Jeff calls Kenny Deucher 'The Good Doctor':- 1 shot of
Whisky

- Any hint of racism (social or otherwise) from any of the pundits:-
Quad bombs (4 jager+redbull) all round

- Everytime Hartlepool score a goal:- 3 shots of beer

- Everytime a pundit shouts off camera:- 2 shots of beer

- Everytime LeTiss is mentioned in connection with a takeaway: - 1
shot of Jager

- Whenever Chris Kamara says "its unbelievable Jeff", all drinks must
be downed

- Everytime Jeff mentions "dancing in the streets of TNS: - 1 shot of
jager

- Everytime Jeff says "its Doom and Gloom at..." - 1 shot of jager

- Everytime the team 'Keith' is referred to as just being one guy :- 1
shot of jager

- Everytime Brighton & Hove, or Daggers & Redbridge are jokingly
referred to as two different teams playing the same oppo :- 1 shot of
jager

- Everytime when Arbroath striker Kevin Webster scores and Stelling
says "ohh, Sally will be pleased" :- 1 shot of Jager.

- Everytime anything bad happens to Craig Bellemy (injury, og, booked,
arrested for assault etc.) :- 2 celebratory shots of the spirit of
choice.

- Whenever Northampton Town appear on the vidiprinter, last person to
shout out 'Cobblers' :- shot of Jager

Posted by: Catflap Magazine

We've got no idea why Vieri is a miserable sod either...

Posted by: Catflap Magazine

ONETrueSaxon 2008 Catalogue...

Our good friends at ONETrueSaxon have got in touch with us to tell us all about their brand spanking new catalogue. As well as including all the usual top clobber, their 255-page ‘International Essentials’ SS08 Catalogue doubles as a travel guide for the world’s most famous cities, including Madrid, Sydney, Moscow and New York. With tips on the best bars, restaurants, clubs, hotels and football teams, the guide also includes a suggested five-track soundtrack for each city. And a list of where to buy ONETrueSaxon gear in each given city of course.

To get your hands on a free copy order it from www.goodnorth.com or send an email with your name and postal address to orders@goodnorth.com with ‘Catflap' in the subject line.

Posted by: Lex

It's a howitzer!

Catflap of the week: Daryl Murphy, Sunderland.

Posted by: Lex

Forget the Premier League, pub football is where it's at...

Posted by: Lex

If your 'keeper goes upfront in the last minute, make sure he lets you know...

Posted by: Lex

This week's heroes and losers according to, well, us...

Top Cats…

Fabio Capello
Hardly the most convincing of wins, but what impressed us here was his single-mindedness and refusal to bow to the pressure of selecting England’s big players, or playing the way the fans want. And calling all the players by their surnames. Makes a nice change from Steve ‘Becks, Stevie G and JT’ McClaren.

Joe Cole
Could be the man to really benefit from Capello’s reign. Always at his best when given a free role just off the striker, it was probably always going to take a foreign manager to allow him to do this. Looked sharp and lively against the Swiss. Though he’s probably had to endure stick all week for being the teacher’s pet.

Egypt
While the BBC’s B team covering the African Nations were cooing over an Ivory Coast side brimming with Premier League players, Egypt demonstrated that brute force and power isn’t always the answer at the tournament in Ghana. To the evident disappointment of all at the Beeb, the Ivory Coast were comprehensively beaten in the Semi Final, with their talismanic front man, one Mr. Drogba, spending most of his time on the deck.

Jimmy Bullard
The word refreshing tends to be overused when describing footballers who tend to break the mould slightly, but after Jimmy Bullard made no attempt to hide his glee after scoring the winning goal for Fulham last week, it’s hard not to use the word. Especially after he spent the week hugging people, "I was full of it, I wanted to cuddle everyone I could see!" Bless.

In a Flap…

Andre Bikey
Your team is 1-0 up with one minute to go, and a place in the African Nations Cup final up for grabs. One of your teammates is down injured, with the medics on the pitch about to place him on the stretcher. What do you do? If you’re Reading’s Andre Bikey, you push one of the medics over, earn yourself a red card, and miss the final. Absolutely crackers.

The Premier League
Well that’s it, it’s confirmed now. The game is officially now all about money, with the fans reduced to a second-thought. On a good day. Just how will moving ten Premier League games a season abroad not turn in to a complete shambles? What next, millionaires can rent teams to have a game in their back garden? Probably.

Terry Butcher
If you’re an England legend, famous for battling on in a blood-stained bandage while playing for the national side, it might just rankle with some people if you’re appointed as Scotland assistant manager. When we mean some people, we mean all of Scotland.

Michael Owen
Poor Mickey. It’s not gone so well for him as late has it? Sadly for him, England have appointed one of the few managers on the planet who cares little about his 40 goals in 88 international appearances. Instead, all Fabio sees are poor performances in a poor club side. Can anyone else see that summer transfer request a mile off?

Posted by: Lex

Cristiano's got nothing on these boys...

Posted by: Lex

Jermain Defoe's primary school, wacky Holloway, respectful silence and shaving beards...

Bolton v Portsmouth
Where Reebok Stadium, Saturday 15.00
What you hope to see Jermain Defoe terrorising Bolton’s frail defence and Grzegorz Rasiak proving that he can cut it as Anelka’s replacement.
What you’re likely to get Harry Redknapp harping on in the post-match interview about Defoe’s England prospects. And Gary Megson telling Bolton fans to be patient with Rasiak.
Watch out for Matt Taylor spanking in a 35-yard last minute equaliser against his former side, then doing that lame thing of not celebrating ‘out of respect.’
Fact! Jermain Defoe attended St Joachim Junior School

Leicester v Plymouth
Where Walkers Stadium, Saturday 15.00
What you hope to see Ian Holloway taking all the flak from bitter Plymouth fans on the chin, sitting in the dugout and quietly going about his business.
What you’re likely to get Holloway to laugh off the stick in his wacky manner, then give some well-rehearsed soundbite after the game.
Watch out for Ollie denying that he is to blame for several of Plymouth’s players leaving the club.
Fact! Barry Hayles, signed from Plymouth, will line-up for Leicester on Saturday.

Manchester United v Manchester City
Where Old Trafford, Sunday 13.30
What you hope to see hear Silence.
What you’re likely to get Four or five idiots who’ll turn up determined to generate some attention, giving the thousands of City fans who’ll respect the tributes a bad name.
Watch out for All players will wear commemorative kits with no sponsors and plain black boots. Shame it’s taken such a sombre occasion for them to finally see sense.
Fact: News of the World journalist Frank Swift, who also died in the Munich crash, was a former Manchester City goalkeeper.

Chelsea v Liverpool
Where Stamford Bridge, Sunday 16.00
What you hope to see Avram Grant look happy. Just for once. Come on…
What you’re likely to get Avram Grant remaining miserably pragmatic as ever as his side continue their sneaky march towards the Premier League title with a comfortable win.
Watch out for Rafa Benitez stroke his goatee manically. The more he strokes, the more he’s worried. Our theory? He should just shave it. It’s all gone downhill since the face-rodent appeared.
Fact! Benitez is actually Rafa’s middle name. His actual surname is Maudes.

African Cup of Nations Final
Where Ohene Djan Stadium, Ghana, Sunday 17.00
What you hope to see Someone finally deciding what the name of this tournament actually is. African Nations Cup? Africa Cup of Nations? Anyone?
What you’re likely to get Stan Collymore on Eurosport mentioning an African team winning the World Cup ‘before long.’
Watch out for The winner of the tournament not actually qualifying for the next World Cup.
Fact! The average attendance at the African Cup of Nations has been 19,071.

Posted by: Lex