#1 Breaking wind while meeting the Queen.

Former Premier League ref Jeff Winter answers our questions in our brand new feature...

Posted by: Lex

Posted by: Catflap Magazine

Newcastle v Manchester United
Where St James’ Park, 15.00
What you hope to see Fergie/Keegan mind games ala 1996
What you’re likely to get Fergie struggling to keep a straight face at what’s become of his old foe…
Fact! When angry, Alex Ferguson is a shade of red one below the surface of the Sun.

Wigan v Derby County
Where JJB Stadium, 15.00
What you hope to see Postponement
What you’re likely to get The Premier League record for lowest ever attendance to be shattered. Not that you could really blame anyone involve. We think we’d prefer to watch live squash.
Fact! Paul Jewell is an official Weeble, and will never fall over no matter how hard you push him.

Barnet v MK Dons
Where Underhill Stadium, 15.00
What you hope to see Paul Ince only putting his matchday suit on once he’s out the tunnel.
What you’re likely to get Kevin Gallen defying the fact that he’s been around for 40 years to grab couple for the Dons.
Fact! Paul Ince blinks 274 times a minute.

Chelsea v Tottenham
Where Wembley, 15.00
What you hope to see The players and managers might not like it, and the fans on the day will find it excruciating, but let’s be honest, for the neutral, penalties are mint.
What you’re likely to get We don’t know about the match, but the tubes will be chocker…
Fact! No one outside London cares…

Posted by: Lex

It's tough in London on £60k a week...

It really is tough getting by in London. Congestion charges, Oyster cards, stuffy tubes, angry taxi drivers. And don't even start on the house prices. Because professional footballer Jonathan Woodgate already has. The poor boy still hasn't found a house since moving to Spurs from Middlesbrough.

'I'm still living in a hotel. We need to find a place to live. We've seen apartments, we've seen houses and all the prices and it's a lot more expensive down here than it is up north. I think you could buy 10 penthouses up north for the price of something down here,' Woddgate told the Daily Mail. But he wasn't finished there,

'House prices are a joke, they are. It's unbelievable. When you are looking about and you see some of the houses, you think “What?”. But that's London and that's the way it is. Hopefully, I can find a house and get settled. You just want the right place for you and you want to get it at the right price. You don't want to end up getting ripped off in any way, do you? 'It's expensive for everyone, isn't it? You don't want to be blowing stupid money on a house.'

Indeed Jonathan. Our sympathies go out to you if it turns out you have to sell your ten penthouse flats on Teeside to buy one in London. Oh the woe...

Posted by: Lex

The series you've been waiting your life for...

Yes, it's Catflap's guide to Football Mascots!

So where is the fine looking chap from? He's Peterborough United's charming mascot

Tremendous. What's his name? Mr Posh

Not your average mascot... No. Mr Posh is an old chap dressed in a rather smart suit, walking around swinging his cane. Before the game he walks around the ground throwing sweets to the hungry children.

Right... Don't say it. He's just a nice guy.

I didn't say thing. So what's his 'special move'? If you cause trouble, he'll probably hit you round the face with his Zimmer-frame. Though in general he doesn’t do much special, he just swings his stick round his head.

Each to their own. How popular is he? He’s an old man who gives the kids sweets, like a well-loved granddad. What’s not to like? 9/10

Good score. Any more interesting titbits? Posh briefly flirted with another mascot, Peter Burrow, at the start of the 21st century. The crazy rabbit used to play in goal during half-time penalty shoot-outs and finished third in the fifth Mascot Grand National.

See you next time... Can't wait.

Posted by: Lex

Got a GTI? Fancy wizzing it around Europe? Read on...

Here's the info:

"Start point: Calais. Destination: Monaco. Stop off en route: the Nürburgring… It doesn't sound like the average road trip – and it isn't, it's the inaugural GTI Challenge; four days, five countries, one alpine pass and a whole lot of driving challenges.

Running from 4-7 May 2008, the GTI Challenge has been created by hot hatch enthusiasts for hot hatch enthusiasts, and it's open to cars from all manufacturers. From VWs to Peugeots, Fords to Fiats, Renaults to Vauxhalls – all are welcome. Entry fees into 2008's only rally to be on start at just £100, so you'd be mad to miss out on this motoring experience. Enjoy some real driving by day and socialise with similar minded petrol heads by night. And don't worry about getting lost. If your sat-nav's gone space-cadet, a full race pack, including maps and some exciting goodies, will be provided to each team at registration.

So, if your car's a hatch and it's hot, GTI Challenge 2008 – The Ultimate Hot Hatch Showdown, is the organised road trip for you. For further information and to sign up, visit www.gtichallenge.com"

Posted by: Lex

Showboating: The ultimate football crime...

Posted by: Lex

Le Tissier's reaction pretty much summed up a nation's...

Posted by: Lex

Watch out for number 3, genius...

Posted by: Lex