Observe: The shrinking violet of football, Stephen Ireland, with his new motor. Oh dear...

Arsenal v Liverpool

AS Roma v Manchester United

Schalke v FC Barcelona

Fenerbahce v Chelsea

First legs to be played 1st and 2nd April and second legs to be played 8th and 9th April.

Semi-Final draw

Arse/Liv v Fener/Chelsea

Schalke/Barca v AS Roma/Man Utd

Where: Fratton Park, 15.00
What you hope to see: Pompey trailing with a minute to go and David James going up for a corner. Then Villa scoring on the break with James scampering down the pitch. Because we don’t care what anyone says, that’s always hilarious.
What you’re likely to get: That berk ringing his cowbell for 90 minutes. The rest of the crowd imploring the police to confiscate it. Or to beat him with it.
Fact! If an away fan goes to the toilet during half time at Fratton Park, they will never return. Before the 87th minute anyway…

English dominance in Europe? Keep quiet about the UEFA Cup then...

While everyone is harping on about how great the Premier League is, it might be worth remembering the UEFA Cup. The situation the remaining English sides in the competition find themselves in is a sobering one. Everton are 2-0 down against Fiorentina, Spurs one goal behind before their trip to Eindhoven, while Bolton visit Lisbon needing at least two goals to win. So maybe the manic backslapping should at least be put on hold until the outcome of these games is known.

But if you still think the Premier League is the best thing since the phrase "best thing since sliced bread", then you might want to put your money where your mouth is. Not litrally though, because you don't know where it's been. But if you fancy all three sides to make it a full house for the English contingent in Europe, then with Everton at 7/2, Spurs at 7/4 and Bolton at 11/4, you'll pocket a cool £464.06 from just a tenner.

Fancy it? Lump On!