Tottenham Hotspurs' Chirpy the Cockerel...

Ready for another one of our furry friends?

You say friends...

Don't start...

Sorry, let's just get to the nitty gritty. Has he been in any fights with rival mascots?

Not sure, but my sources tell me the original Chirpy was sacked for inappropriate behaviour.

Really what happened?

He tried to convince (less than average) keeper Bobby Mimms to throw a game against Aston Villa.

Is that true?

Define true.

Conforming with reality or fact. Genuine, not pretended, insincere, or artificial.

In that case then, no it’s not true.

Right. Any accurate information then?

He once raised £230 for a local school.

How touching.

Yeah I know. Enthusiatic Year four pupil, Kyle, described Chirpy's visit as being, "so good I could barely believe it!"

That’s nice.

It is isn’t it.

Posted by: Lex

Where: Bramall Lane, Saturday, 15:00
What you hope to see: James Beattie celebrating his 22nd goal of the season by devouring a large doner kebab, specially couriered in by helicopter by his old mucker Craig David from his favourite Southampton takeaway.
What you’re likely to get: Dean Windass celebrating his 11th goal of the season by devouring James Beattie.
Fact: Hull only have six non-English men in their squad with two Welshmen, an Irishman, an Aussie, a Norwegian and a Nigerian. Sound likes the start of a long and probably very unfunny joke.

Posted by: Lex

Another Zimbabwe Presidential candidate, another big Phil no show, disliking journalists, and Harry's canyons...

Where: City of Manchester Stadium, Sunday, 16:00
What you hope to see: Benjani entertaining both sets of supporters before the game by doing his trademark three-point celebration on the centre spot. It will also signal Benjani’s plans to run for Zimbabwean president.  
What you’re like to get: Journalists asking Sven about his imminent axing in favour of Phil Scolari. Only for Sven to remind everyone that it couldn't possibly happen, as big Phil doesn't like England. In particular the journalists.
Fact!: It is is 277 miles long, ranges in width from 4 to 18 miles and attains a depth of more than a mile. It's thought to have been formed over a period of 17 million years. No, not the Grand Canyon, but one of the bags under 'Arry Redknapp's eyes...

Posted by: Lex

Benitez floors berk mascot. Crowd rejoices...

Tickling facial hair, Yanks, assaulting mascots, Roy Hodgson, more Yanks...

Where: Craven Cottage, Saturday, 15:00
What you hope to see: Wacky mascot Billy the Badger up to his old antics again, this time giving Rafa Benitez a cheeky tickle on his goatee. Then Rafa smacking him square on the jaw.
What you’re likely to get: Liverpool rotating their entire squad with household name Nabil El Zhar popping up with the winner. Roy Hodgson then insisting his side can stay up, when there's more chance of Liverpool becoming interesting again...
Fact!: Fulham are slowly trying to buy a whole team of American players with Mohammed Al-Fayed planning to move them to the States and change the name to West London White Soccer Star to play in the MLS. True Story.

Posted by: Lex

#2. Jeff catches FIFA honcho up to no good in a cupboard...

Q: At the FIFA Christmas Party you catch Sepp Blatter in flagrante with a secretary in the stationary cupboard. Knowing he has the power to appoint the officials for the World Cup Final, do you use the knowledge to your advantage.

Jeff: "Obviously the sight of Sepp performing would rule out joining in, so I think I would pull out my notebook and take their names, quickly introduce video technology and then suggest to Sepp that I would make an ideal World Cup Final referee. Should that appointment not be forthcoming then perhaps YouTube and Mrs Blatter would get the benefit of an action replay."

See You Are The Jeff every week in Catflap Magazine.

Posted by: Lex

Sir Les talks to Catflap...

Posted by: Lex

Hungarian football: top class...

Posted by: Lex

But will Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool or Man Utd be using it?

If, like us, you've been watching Champions League football all week with only one question running through your mind, "Just what will the Champions League final football look like this season?", then we are among the first to give you the answer. Set to be launched in Moscow in about 15 minutes time, this is the adidas “Finale Moscow”, the very ball that will be used at the final in, you've guessed it, Moscow, on May 21st.

According to adidas boffins, it's new PSC-Texture™ surface structure allows players to control and direct the ball perfectly in all weather conditions. The PSC-Texture™ consists of a sophisticated and extremely fine structure on the ball's outer skin that guarantees optimum grip between ball and boot. The adidas “Finale Moscow” is constructed out of 14 panels using revolutionary Thermal Bonding Technology.
You can all sleep easy now...

Posted by: Lex

Aston Villa's Hercules the Lion...

Well find us a Villa player who rhymes with wardrobe...

Well what a damn fine picture that is isn't it...

You just had to mention it didn't you? I spent ages searching for a decent picture and could only find this one. Naively I thought you wouldn't mention it...

Really? You honestly thought I wouldn't mention that the focus of this whole feature can barely be seen in the main picture?

No I suppose not. Can we just get on with it?

Yep. Name?

Hercules The Lion…

Another animal in a football kit? Original.

Tell me about it. Hardly the most inspiring thing to boost fan and team morale, is it? It could be worse though I guess. You know the old saying, “One lion is better than a ferret and an otter.”

Because I want this to finish today, I'm going to ignore that. What's it's characteristics then?

Er, friendly? Jovial? Upbeat? Anything that helps keep him in a job. Durable and robust, apparently.

Robust?

Yep. He's named after the Hercules Cycle and Motor Company, one of Aston’s most successful companies back in the day. The name Hercules was chosen for its associations with durability and robustness. The original company, which is now part of Raleigh, dissolved in December 2003… a month that saw Villa lose only one out of five Premiership fixtures, as well as a 2-1 win over Chelsea in the League Cup. Make of that what you will.

I'm struggling to make much of it to be honest. Since we can't see a bleeding thing in the pic, what does he look like?

I'm ignoring the subtle dig. He has a pretty impressive tail, a scarily spherical head, both of which may or may not possess magical powers. He's known to throw down the occasional disco move, and, unsurprisingly, has the meanest roar in the Premier League.

Course he has. Any claims to fame?

Erm...Hercules is the lovechild of Cowardly The Lion (of Wizard Of Oz fame) and Chimera (known to put herself about during the times of Ancient Greek Mythology)….

That's bollocks isn't it?

Yes.

Posted by: Lex