A welcome return for the series that gets done only when there's nothing else to do...

Top Cats...

Queen of the South
For reaching their first Scottish Cup final after beating Aberdeen in a 4-3 thriller. They’ll meet either Rangers or St. Johnstone in the final hoping that the Perth First Division team can record another underdog victory setting up the most unlikely of finals.

Ronaldo
Just when we think he can’t get any better, he steps up and excels in a skill which the majority of English players struggle with, the art of the penalty kick. With Man United a goal down against Arsenal, he blasted home not one but two perfect spot-kicks after being made to retake his first. You've just got to love him even though he has been looking considerably greasy recently, even by his standards.

Celtic
For keeping their title aspirations alive after their 2-1 win over Rangers at Celtic Park. It was a hard fought victory, just ask David Weir and Gary Caldwell…

Cardiff
Who look set for a European adventure, should they overcome Pompey in the Wembley showpiece next month, after the FA agreed to relax their rules.

In a Flap...

Arsene Wenger
For his rants about the global anti-Arsenal refereeing conspiracy, a strange misplaced loyalty to brat Emmanuel Eboue and enduring a third trophy-less with his team.

Avram Grant
Who seems to have lost the plot completely this week. Firstly, claiming his team were still in the Premiership hunt after their dismal draw with Wigan, his bizarre taciturn post-match press conference after the Everton game and claiming he was interested in signing Kaka and Messi. Two players whose clubs will be more than willing to sell. Spot on, Avram.

Hicks, Parry and Gillett
For continuing their childlike bickering at Anfield. Perfectly normal behaviour for fifty something millionaire businessmen.       

Ledley King
Who not only faces losing the Spurs’ captaincy permanently,  but could also be on his way out of White Hart Lane after some hints from Juande Ramos this week.

Posted by: Lex

It's the Alan Wright XI...

Posted by: Lex

Tottenham Hotspurs' Chirpy the Cockerel...

Ready for another one of our furry friends?

You say friends...

Don't start...

Sorry, let's just get to the nitty gritty. Has he been in any fights with rival mascots?

Not sure, but my sources tell me the original Chirpy was sacked for inappropriate behaviour.

Really what happened?

He tried to convince (less than average) keeper Bobby Mimms to throw a game against Aston Villa.

Is that true?

Define true.

Conforming with reality or fact. Genuine, not pretended, insincere, or artificial.

In that case then, no it’s not true.

Right. Any accurate information then?

He once raised £230 for a local school.

How touching.

Yeah I know. Enthusiatic Year four pupil, Kyle, described Chirpy's visit as being, "so good I could barely believe it!"

That’s nice.

It is isn’t it.

Posted by: Lex

Where: Bramall Lane, Saturday, 15:00
What you hope to see: James Beattie celebrating his 22nd goal of the season by devouring a large doner kebab, specially couriered in by helicopter by his old mucker Craig David from his favourite Southampton takeaway.
What you’re likely to get: Dean Windass celebrating his 11th goal of the season by devouring James Beattie.
Fact: Hull only have six non-English men in their squad with two Welshmen, an Irishman, an Aussie, a Norwegian and a Nigerian. Sound likes the start of a long and probably very unfunny joke.

Posted by: Lex

Another Zimbabwe Presidential candidate, another big Phil no show, disliking journalists, and Harry's canyons...

Where: City of Manchester Stadium, Sunday, 16:00
What you hope to see: Benjani entertaining both sets of supporters before the game by doing his trademark three-point celebration on the centre spot. It will also signal Benjani’s plans to run for Zimbabwean president.  
What you’re like to get: Journalists asking Sven about his imminent axing in favour of Phil Scolari. Only for Sven to remind everyone that it couldn't possibly happen, as big Phil doesn't like England. In particular the journalists.
Fact!: It is is 277 miles long, ranges in width from 4 to 18 miles and attains a depth of more than a mile. It's thought to have been formed over a period of 17 million years. No, not the Grand Canyon, but one of the bags under 'Arry Redknapp's eyes...

Posted by: Lex

Benitez floors berk mascot. Crowd rejoices...

Tickling facial hair, Yanks, assaulting mascots, Roy Hodgson, more Yanks...

Where: Craven Cottage, Saturday, 15:00
What you hope to see: Wacky mascot Billy the Badger up to his old antics again, this time giving Rafa Benitez a cheeky tickle on his goatee. Then Rafa smacking him square on the jaw.
What you’re likely to get: Liverpool rotating their entire squad with household name Nabil El Zhar popping up with the winner. Roy Hodgson then insisting his side can stay up, when there's more chance of Liverpool becoming interesting again...
Fact!: Fulham are slowly trying to buy a whole team of American players with Mohammed Al-Fayed planning to move them to the States and change the name to West London White Soccer Star to play in the MLS. True Story.

Posted by: Lex

#2. Jeff catches FIFA honcho up to no good in a cupboard...

Q: At the FIFA Christmas Party you catch Sepp Blatter in flagrante with a secretary in the stationary cupboard. Knowing he has the power to appoint the officials for the World Cup Final, do you use the knowledge to your advantage.

Jeff: "Obviously the sight of Sepp performing would rule out joining in, so I think I would pull out my notebook and take their names, quickly introduce video technology and then suggest to Sepp that I would make an ideal World Cup Final referee. Should that appointment not be forthcoming then perhaps YouTube and Mrs Blatter would get the benefit of an action replay."

See You Are The Jeff every week in Catflap Magazine.

Posted by: Lex

Sir Les talks to Catflap...

Posted by: Lex

Hungarian football: top class...

Posted by: Lex