Capello goes for the new boys...

It might have been a different story had he been in goal rather than on the Manchester City bench today, but Joe Hart is among several new names in the 31-man England squad to face the USA and Trinidad and Tobago. Everton's Phil Jagielka, Spurs' Tom Huddlestone, Blackburn's Stephen Warnock and Boro's David Wheater are other uncapped players to be given the call up.

Full England squad to play USA and Trinidad and Tobago:

David James (Portsmouth), Joe Hart (Man City), Chris Kirkland (Wigan).

Wayne Bridge (Chelsea), Wes Brown (Man Utd), Ashley Cole (Chelsea), Rio Ferdinand (Man Utd), Phil Jagielka (Everton), Glen Johnson (Chelsea), John Terry (Chelsea), Stephen Warnock (Blackburn), David Wheater (Middlesbrough), Jonathan Woodgate (Tottenham).

Gareth Barry (Aston Villa), David Beckham (LA Galaxy), David Bentley (Blackburn), Joe Cole (Chelsea), Stewart Downing (Middlesbrough), Owen Hargreaves (Man Utd), Tom Huddlestone (Tottenham), Steven Gerrard (Liverpool), Jermaine Jenas (Tottenham), Frank Lampard (Chelsea), Ashley Young (Aston Villa).

Theo Walcott (Arsenal), Gabriel Agbonlahor (Aston Villa), Dean Ashton (West Ham), Peter Crouch (Liverpool), Jermain Defoe (Portsmouth), Michael Owen (Newcastle), Wayne Rooney (Man Utd).

Posted by: Lex

We're sticking our neck out...

OK, so it's not exactly thinking outside the box, but it's the last Lump On! of the Premier League season and we just fancy winning a bit of Uncle Rico's moolah. And as you'll have read in our Weekender for this game, we don't expect much resistance from Steve Bruce's men when Wigan 'attempt' to stop Manchester United from winning the title. So we're going for a Ronaldo first goal and 4-0 win scorecast with Paddypower. The best thing is, if it ends 1-0 to Man Utd, Mr. Power will give you your money back. Hell, even Brucey should get on it...

So if you fancy rolling in the benjamins, click here...

Posted by: Lex

James McFadden's beard, Lineker narrating, the Likely Lads, and Mark Hughes as a boring priest...

Where: St. Andrews, Saturday, 15:00
What you hope to see: James McFadden tripping over his own beard when through on goal. The scruffy swine.
What you’re likely to get: That really lame split coverage thing Match of the Day always do on the last game of the season, narrated by Gary Lineker, as if one of those I Love 1980s shows. As if people don’t already know the outcome. We don't live in an episode of The Likely Lads. And Adrian Chiles having the weekend off. The chubby swine.
Fact! Mark Hughes provided the voice for the boring priest in several episodes of Father Ted.

Posted by: Lex

Emile Heskey, timemachines, stopwatches and bludgeoning Steve Bennett...

Where: The JJB Stadium, Saturday, 15:00
What you hope to see: Emile Heskey scoring a late, late, late equaliser. So late in fact that it gives Sir Alex time to go back to 1996 and get his stopwatch. If only to time how long it takes him to murder Steve Bennett using only a corkscrew.
What you’re likely to get: Steve Bruce insisting that his side will pose a challenge for Man Utd. Then Ronaldo scoring two in the first 15 minutes to seal the title. And Steve Bruce celebrating each goal. And then spending the evening getting sozzled on Sir Alex’s wine.
Fact! Sir Alex Ferguson likes his wine.

Posted by: Lex

Gary Johnson's ample backside, Neil Warnock's foul mouth, and acorn winkles...

Where: Selhurst Park, Saturday, 12.15
What you hope to see: Liam Fontaine scoring again for Bristol City and this time insisting that Gary Johnson honour the forfeit and bare his ample backside.
What you're likely to get: Me spending the weekend wondering why I really want to see Gary Johnson's ample backside. And Neil Warnock shouting obscenities at the ref. Obviously.
Fact! A certain anagram of Neil Warnock's name really winds him up. I'm not entirely sure, but I reckon it must be acorn winkle.

Posted by: Lex

Guy Ritchie in half decent film shocker...

Although let's be honest, a video of Wayne Rooney reading poetry with his mouth full of digestive biscuits would have been better than Revolver...

Posted by: Lex

Posted by: Lex

Barnsley's Toby the Tyke

Another exciting installment I see...

Indeed it is, this week we say hello to Toby.

Do I have to? I try not to make a habit of talking to lonely blokes in furry suits.

Just this time then.

OK. Hi Toby. And what's he then? A mole?

A mole? Don't be silly, he's clearly a tyke.

Right. And what the ruddy hell is one of those?

It's a dog. And a cocky one at that.

How come? Does he go round doing his business on the pitch?

Not quite. But he does go in goal during the half time penalty shoot out. And it's very funny to boot.

Sounds a right hoot yeah...

It is. And he used to run from halfway line towards the away end, put ball in the net and celebrate in front of the away fans.

Why used to?

Because the police stopped him from doing so.

Now your talking, a bit of bother! Any more like this?

Well, yes, actually. He's been known to stop the Wolves mascot Wolfy in his tracks.

Wolfy being the renowned mascot troublemaker?

Yeah, but Toby soon took him down a peg.

Well played that man.

Do you mean that?

Not really no.

Posted by: Lex

#3. Jeff finds Sir Alex's raffle ticket...

Q: At the PFA Player of the Year awards, you see Alex Ferguson drop his raffle ticket and then pick it up without telling him. Later that evening the ticket wins the top prize of an all expenses paid fortnight in Mustique. Do you own up or pack your suitcase?

Jeff: "I am sorry but I will not be around for the next two weeks to do this column. You are never going to believe it, I gatecrashed the PFA dinner this year and guess what, I only went and won the first of a fortnight's expenses-paid holiday in Mustique. I bumped into sir Alex whilst I was there, he called me a jammy bastard, or I think he said that, I couldn't really understand him. Anyway, b******s to him, I'm off to Mustique. Best thing is I didn't even buy the ticket!"

See You Are The Jeff every week in Catflap Magazine.

Posted by: Lex