Group B
Austria


Odds to win: 100/1
Previous best: Never before qualified.
Gaffer's pedigree: His name is Josef Hickersberger. No we’ve not heard of him either. But to be fair at least he’s done what no other Austrian has done before, and got his side to qualify for the Euros. Admittedly they didn’t have to play a single game but take the positives, they are few others.
He might do alright: Werder Bremen’s Sebastian Prodl is one for the future, but the side are about as popular in Austria as Gordon Brown is over here at the minute.
How did he not get in? OK, so Paul Scharner isn’t Pele but he hasn’t half done well for Wigan this season. So falling out with his national manager probably wasn’t a good idea.
Stick your money on: Indifference from the home crowd. Unless they’re successful. Which they won’t be.
Wag Watch: It is Austria, so there aren’t many, understandably. But Boro’s Emmanuel Pogatetz’s wife Mirjam is tidy.
If they were a celeb: Heather Mills. They’ll have a tough time of it at home.
Obligatory translation feature: “Mindestens es war nur fünf” (“At least it was only five”)
Prediction: They’ll avoid complete humiliation by finishing third. In Group B.

Posted by: Lex

Up step England's conquerors...

Group B
Croatia


Odds to win: 12/1
Previous best: Quarter Final in 1996
Gaffer's pedigree: Slaven Bilic is the main reason why England aren’t here and yet we still think he’s great. Probably because he says managing Croatia is an honour and only accepts minimum wage as payment. And he doesn’t use umbrellas.
He might do alright: Luka Modric is the man Spurs have just bought for £16m so see how good he is. Or laugh uncontrollably when he does his hamstring.
How did he get in? Despite having two kidney transplants this season, Ivan Klasnic could lead the line for his country. To think Darren Anderton used to miss games for having a sore toenail.
Stick your money on: Some kind of emotional dedication to Eduardo after each goal scored. And a needless booking each time.
Wag Watch: Anica Kovac, defender Robert’s better half, is a Miss World runner-up.
If they were a celeb: Bill Oddie. Quirky and colourful but just a little weird.
Obligatory translation feature: “Gdje je Paul Crvendać selac te dani?” (“Where’s Paul Robinson these days?”)
Prediction: Second in the group, but out to Germany in the semi-final.

Posted by: Lex

It's everybody's second team...isn't it?

Group B
Germany

Odds to win: 4/1
Previous best: Three times champions.
Gaffer's pedigree: Joachim Low is no Jurgen Klinsmann, he doesn’t live in California for a start. But he has great hair, which counts for a lot.
He might do alright: Mario Gomez. That's right, he's German. His dad's Spanish or something and clearly didn't fancy calling him Ulrich. Nonetheless the boy can play, and he's already scored six goals in nine games for his country.
How did he get in? Jens Lehman. Poor ‘keeper, crap hair, great moaner. How he’ll miss his old pal Oliver.
Stick your money on: Germany surprising everyone by playing the best football in the tournament. Depressing thought.
Wag Watch: Sarah Brander. That's Miss Bastian Schweinsteiger, the not-so-aesthetically-pleasing midfielder. A quick Google search will show that, like Hatton in Las Vegas, he's punching way above his weight.
If they were a celeb: Naomi Campbell: Unpopular, unpredictable, but attractive to look at.
Obligatory translation feature: “Vorsprung durch technik” (“Jens Lehman can’t catch a beach ball”)
Prediction: Winners. Depressingly…

Posted by: Lex

Motson gears up for this lot...

Group B
Poland

Odds to win: 40/1
Previous best: Never before qualified
Gaffer's pedigree: There really are some cracking names this year. Leo Beenhakker is the man who leads Poland, sounding like he’s come straight off the set of Harry Potter.
He might do alright: John Motson. Because if he can pronounce this lot correctly, he might yet keep his job at the Beeb.
How did he get in? Marek Saganowski, of Southampton. You know, the side that escaped relegation to League One on the last day of the season. He’ll be in inspiring form then…
Stick your money on: Celtic ‘keeper Artur Boruc swearing, gesturing or mooning at the crowd. It’s what he does.
Wag Watch: Katarzyna Boruc. The aforementioned Artur is regularly featured in the Polish tabloids with his blonde wife.
If they were a celeb: Britney Spears circa 1999. Nobody can quite believe they’ve never done it before.
Obligatory translation feature: “JA wola klasa ten oszczędzić pomywacz strony u mój powrót” (“I will order the spare washer parts on my return”)
Prediction: Last in their group.

Posted by: Lex

Watch out Europe, Colin's on the scene...

Group A
Turkey

Odds to win: 50/1
Previous best: Quarter-final in 2000
Gaffer's pedigree: As well as competing with Kobi Kuhn for the best name in football, Fatih Terim is the most successful coach in Turkish football.
He might do alright: Villareal’s Nihat Kahveci has been banging them in most weeks in Spain, but given that he’s likely to get worse service than the tube on a bank holiday, he could be in for a frustrating tournament.
How did he get in? They call him Kazim-Kazim, we know him as Colin Kazim-Richards, the chap who looked out of place at Sheffield United is now a Turkish international playing for Fenerbahce. How does that work?
Stick your money on: Emre becoming a UN ambassador. Only joking.
Wag Watch: You'll be lucky, boss Fatih Terim keeps a close eye on his players and refuses to have WAGs anywhere near the team hotel.
If they were a celeb: Lawrence-Llewelyn Bowen. Unfashionable, lacking in creativity, and often annoying.
Obligatory translation feature: “Neler sen niyet etmek isviçre don't edyorlar Vermek” (“What do you mean the Swiss don’t do donner?”)
Prediction: Bottom of the group.

Posted by: Lex

Like their cheese, the Swiss defence is full of holes...

Group A
Switzerland

Odds to win: 22/1
Previous best: Round One in 2004
Gaffer's pedigree: Despite having a name that makes him sound like an 80’s rapper, Kobi Kuhn is being replaced by Ottmar Hitzfeld after the tournament.
He might do alright: Eren Derdiyok. He’s the youngster who scored on his senior debut in February. Though it was against England so it doesn’t really tell us much.
How did he get in? Johan Djourou is the rock at the heart of the Swiss defence. Fancy relying on an Arsenal reserve. Still, at least he has Philippe Senderos alongside him. Oh…
Stick your money on: Journalists and commentators making rubbish puns about cheese and/or mountains.
Wag Watch: Lazio winger Valon Behrami has done well for himself for nabbing model Elena Bonzanni.
If they were a celeb: Charlie Higson. Probably a really dull host.
Obligatory translation feature: “Ist es vorbei schon?“ (“Is it over yet?”)
Prediction: Third in the group.

Posted by: Lex

Even Prescott hits harder than that...

It's Big Phil and Mr. Feet himself, Ronaldo...

Group A
Portugal

Odds to win: 15/2
Previous best: Runners-up in 2004.
Gaffer's pedigree: There’s not much you don’t know about Phil Scolari, whether it be winning a World Cup, slagging off the English press or punching opposition players. What a guy.
He might do alright: Strong in the air, great with both feet and plays in the Premier League. But enough of Ricardo Carvalho, we’re keeping an eye on a chap named Ronaldo.
How did he get in? Helder Postiga. Yes Spurs fans, you read it right. This clown is still an international footballer.
Stick your money on: Juvenile chuckles nationwide when sub ‘keeper Quim is mentioned in commentary.
Wag Watch: Nereida Gallardo is Cristiano’s current flame, check her out here.
If they were a celeb: Will Smith as Fresh Prince. Because Big Phil’s in charge. Obviously.
Obligatory translation feature: “Pela última vez Sr. Fergusson, Eu faço não exigir um chaperone” (“For the last time Mr. Ferguson, I do not require a chaperone.”)
Prediction: Second in the group, but lose to Germany in the quarters.

Posted by: Lex

As if we weren't going to do a Euro 2008 preview...

Group A
Czech Republic

Odds to win: 18/1
Previous best: Winners in 1976 (As Czechoslovakia)
Gaffer's pedigree: Karel Bruckner seems to have been manager for decades, and looks like he has too, but this will be his last tournament.
He might do alright: As well as Bruckner, this could be big Jan Koller’s last hurrah, and he’ll be wanting to go out on a high before a certain move into WWE.
How did he get in? David Rozehnal. Clearly Czech scouts didn’t make it to St. James’ Park this season.
Stick your money on: Most of the squad keeping a low profile: five of them were caught with six prostitutes in the team hotel last year.
Wag Watch: Hedvika Koller. Big Jan’s Mrs is a former Playboy model. Which shouldn’t really surprise us.
If they were a celeb: Hugh Heffner. Aging, ugly and a bit pervy.
Obligatory translation feature: “Jak až k člen určitý červeň bujný oblast?” (“Which way to the red light district?”)
Prediction: Group winners, but out in the quarter-final to Croatia.

Posted by: Lex

Hands up who wants the Village People to reform?

What does Catflap's editor do on his holidays?

It seems Gavin enjoys fulfilling a life-long dream of driving a comedy winnebago around the country. And then sending camp photos of himself back to the office. Whatever floats your boat and all that...

An artist's impression of the GavMobile.
I'm not saying what the 'W' stands for, as I'd like to keep my job...

Posted by: Lex