Ah, Zizou, how you will be missed...

Posted by: Lex

They love a good argument those Dutch...

Group C
Holland


Odds to win: 14/1
Previous best: Champions in 1988
Gaffer's pedigree: In a continuing theme about managers' hair, we notice that Marco’s gone for a military crew cut. Which has obviously offended Clarence Seedorf and Mark van Bommel, who have refused to play for him. Which is just so Dutch.
He might do alright: If Robin van Persie stays fit throughout, his left boot could well light up the tournament. Not literally, there are floodlights for that sort of thing.
How did he get in? Wigan’s Mario Melchiot, Blackburn’s Andre Ooijer, Chelsea’s Khalid Boulahrouz. And you wonder why we’ve tipped them to finish bottom.
Stick your money on: More feuds to split the camp. Seedorf and van Bommel may be gone, but there’s still Van Nistelrooy, and he loves a good verbal scrap.
Wag Watch: Rafael van der Vaart is not one for in-fighting. Probably because he comes home to his gorgeous wife Sylvie every night. The swine.
If they were a celeb: Dale Winton. Orange.
Obligatory translation feature: “Laat ons kalme beneden en spreek rationeel het door” (“Let’s calm down and talk it through rationally”)
Prediction: Bottom in their group following a stormy tournament.

Posted by: Lex

Revenge is on the cards...

World Cup winners up for the double...

Group C
Italy


Odds to win: 13/2
Previous best: Champions in 1968
Gaffer's pedigree: Roberto Donadoni is the coolest customer in the Euros, which makes up for his lack of managerial experience.
He might do alright: Fabio Quagliarella. Chappers told us he was half decent, and he should know. Assuming he watches Serie A and doesn’t simply gawp at Laura Esposto anyway.
How did he get in? Constant cry baby Antonio Cassano was this season suspended for five games for threatening to fight the ref. He also cried after being sent off for dissent. Liability is his middle name. Not very Italian is it?
Stick your money on: Luca Toni doing that weird hand thing when he scores. Is he phoning someone? Or just itching his head?
Wag Watch: The delectable TV presenter Alena Seredova keeps ‘keeper Gianluigi Buffon warm at night. See her here.
If they were a celeb: Gordon Ramsey. Use their hands way too much.
Obligatory translation feature: “Veramente gloriosaente decisione riferimento” (“Truly splendid decision referee”)
Prediction: They’ll top their group, but lose to France in the semis.

Posted by: Lex

Mutu's in with a sniff...

Group C
Romania


Odds to win: 40/1
Previous best: Quarter-finals in 2000
Gaffer's pedigree: They call him Victor Piturca, and he’s done well to take Romania to their first tournament in eight years. Though a spanking from the three big sides could see him gone.
He might do alright: Adrian Mutu. The chap we all remember over here for being Abramovich’s first Chelsea signing, only to be sacked for taking cocaine. He’s now a reformed character now apparently.
How did he get in? Baggies fans might remember Cosmin Contra, who they signed on loan from Athletico Madrid in 2004. He also spent three years at AC Milan, but only managed five appearances for West Brom.
Stick your money on: Romanian success being directly proportional to the amount of old Gheorghe Hagi clips we’ll be shown.   
Wag Watch: Mrs Mutu is one Consuelo Matos, who is, shock, horror, a model.    
If they were a celeb: Cilla Black. Might surprise a few people.
Obligatory translation feature: “Eşti tu elder acesta este chiar sherry” (“Are you sure it’s just sherbet?”)
Prediction: Third in the group of death.

Posted by: Lex

Group B
Austria


Odds to win: 100/1
Previous best: Never before qualified.
Gaffer's pedigree: His name is Josef Hickersberger. No we’ve not heard of him either. But to be fair at least he’s done what no other Austrian has done before, and got his side to qualify for the Euros. Admittedly they didn’t have to play a single game but take the positives, they are few others.
He might do alright: Werder Bremen’s Sebastian Prodl is one for the future, but the side are about as popular in Austria as Gordon Brown is over here at the minute.
How did he not get in? OK, so Paul Scharner isn’t Pele but he hasn’t half done well for Wigan this season. So falling out with his national manager probably wasn’t a good idea.
Stick your money on: Indifference from the home crowd. Unless they’re successful. Which they won’t be.
Wag Watch: It is Austria, so there aren’t many, understandably. But Boro’s Emmanuel Pogatetz’s wife Mirjam is tidy.
If they were a celeb: Heather Mills. They’ll have a tough time of it at home.
Obligatory translation feature: “Mindestens es war nur fünf” (“At least it was only five”)
Prediction: They’ll avoid complete humiliation by finishing third. In Group B.

Posted by: Lex

Up step England's conquerors...

Group B
Croatia


Odds to win: 12/1
Previous best: Quarter Final in 1996
Gaffer's pedigree: Slaven Bilic is the main reason why England aren’t here and yet we still think he’s great. Probably because he says managing Croatia is an honour and only accepts minimum wage as payment. And he doesn’t use umbrellas.
He might do alright: Luka Modric is the man Spurs have just bought for £16m so see how good he is. Or laugh uncontrollably when he does his hamstring.
How did he get in? Despite having two kidney transplants this season, Ivan Klasnic could lead the line for his country. To think Darren Anderton used to miss games for having a sore toenail.
Stick your money on: Some kind of emotional dedication to Eduardo after each goal scored. And a needless booking each time.
Wag Watch: Anica Kovac, defender Robert’s better half, is a Miss World runner-up.
If they were a celeb: Bill Oddie. Quirky and colourful but just a little weird.
Obligatory translation feature: “Gdje je Paul Crvendać selac te dani?” (“Where’s Paul Robinson these days?”)
Prediction: Second in the group, but out to Germany in the semi-final.

Posted by: Lex

It's everybody's second team...isn't it?

Group B
Germany

Odds to win: 4/1
Previous best: Three times champions.
Gaffer's pedigree: Joachim Low is no Jurgen Klinsmann, he doesn’t live in California for a start. But he has great hair, which counts for a lot.
He might do alright: Mario Gomez. That's right, he's German. His dad's Spanish or something and clearly didn't fancy calling him Ulrich. Nonetheless the boy can play, and he's already scored six goals in nine games for his country.
How did he get in? Jens Lehman. Poor ‘keeper, crap hair, great moaner. How he’ll miss his old pal Oliver.
Stick your money on: Germany surprising everyone by playing the best football in the tournament. Depressing thought.
Wag Watch: Sarah Brander. That's Miss Bastian Schweinsteiger, the not-so-aesthetically-pleasing midfielder. A quick Google search will show that, like Hatton in Las Vegas, he's punching way above his weight.
If they were a celeb: Naomi Campbell: Unpopular, unpredictable, but attractive to look at.
Obligatory translation feature: “Vorsprung durch technik” (“Jens Lehman can’t catch a beach ball”)
Prediction: Winners. Depressingly…

Posted by: Lex

Motson gears up for this lot...

Group B
Poland

Odds to win: 40/1
Previous best: Never before qualified
Gaffer's pedigree: There really are some cracking names this year. Leo Beenhakker is the man who leads Poland, sounding like he’s come straight off the set of Harry Potter.
He might do alright: John Motson. Because if he can pronounce this lot correctly, he might yet keep his job at the Beeb.
How did he get in? Marek Saganowski, of Southampton. You know, the side that escaped relegation to League One on the last day of the season. He’ll be in inspiring form then…
Stick your money on: Celtic ‘keeper Artur Boruc swearing, gesturing or mooning at the crowd. It’s what he does.
Wag Watch: Katarzyna Boruc. The aforementioned Artur is regularly featured in the Polish tabloids with his blonde wife.
If they were a celeb: Britney Spears circa 1999. Nobody can quite believe they’ve never done it before.
Obligatory translation feature: “JA wola klasa ten oszczędzić pomywacz strony u mój powrót” (“I will order the spare washer parts on my return”)
Prediction: Last in their group.

Posted by: Lex

Watch out Europe, Colin's on the scene...

Group A
Turkey

Odds to win: 50/1
Previous best: Quarter-final in 2000
Gaffer's pedigree: As well as competing with Kobi Kuhn for the best name in football, Fatih Terim is the most successful coach in Turkish football.
He might do alright: Villareal’s Nihat Kahveci has been banging them in most weeks in Spain, but given that he’s likely to get worse service than the tube on a bank holiday, he could be in for a frustrating tournament.
How did he get in? They call him Kazim-Kazim, we know him as Colin Kazim-Richards, the chap who looked out of place at Sheffield United is now a Turkish international playing for Fenerbahce. How does that work?
Stick your money on: Emre becoming a UN ambassador. Only joking.
Wag Watch: You'll be lucky, boss Fatih Terim keeps a close eye on his players and refuses to have WAGs anywhere near the team hotel.
If they were a celeb: Lawrence-Llewelyn Bowen. Unfashionable, lacking in creativity, and often annoying.
Obligatory translation feature: “Neler sen niyet etmek isviçre don't edyorlar Vermek” (“What do you mean the Swiss don’t do donner?”)
Prediction: Bottom of the group.

Posted by: Lex